7 stages of relationship breakdown recovery

Breakdown

I remember standing outside my house knowing it was to be sold and with no idea whether I would see a penny of it, three young kids, no career, and a fortieth birthday looming. I felt like such a fool, and really guilty for having got my kids into this position, even though I really hadn’t seen it coming.

Whether it creeps up on you, or hits you like a sledgehammer, the breakdown of a relationship with your spouse, business partner or with yourself, will change your life forever.

Don’t expect to be at your best – you may not even like yourself very much at this time and despite feeling sympathy for you, others may seem to shy away.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS STAGE:

Panic and even paranoia can easily set in. Get hold of real facts from professionals, and don’t just rely on second hand information from well meaning friends.

Get out and about as much as you can. Physical exercise and fresh air will help prevent an insular perspective and even depression. Don’t rush into any big decisions at this time – the need to create stability and certainty will be strong, but don’t be rushed into making rash emotional decisions based on fear. Give yourself time for reflection.

Shock

I remember paying for my groceries at the shop, and my hand trembling so much I could hardly hold the money. Time seemed to drag incredibly slowly, and it was hard to connect with my emotions.

Withdrawing for a while will temporarily protect you from the emotional hell that awaits you. That’s fair enough. Don’t let anyone rush you through this stage. It will be short enough as it is.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS STAGE:

Even though you may feel like hiding away and waiting for the world to end, this is a time when sympathetic friends and some self nurturing is really important. Even though everything you do may feel pointless, focus on what really matters (family, close friends, anything you have a passion for). Just because nothing seems to give you pleasure any more – even eating food – find inspiration in positive influences, books and films.

You may not be ready to take much action, but looking ahead to positive possibilities, and noticing others who have gone through the same process and come through successfully, will help you move through this stage and not sink into depression.

Talking about what is happening to you can help connect you back to your emotions (painful though they may be). Don’t rush – it takes courage to connect with feelings that stab you like knives. Be gentle with yourself.

Anger

I have never known such venom as what poured forth post relationship break up even a year after the event. I was shocked how much anger stayed in me when I thought I was really quite ok with everything. I sought help to get rid of it – and discovered that dealing with anger was something I had never really learned to do before, so it was a valuable process for me.

People who are unable to shift the anger become bitter. This can be the most difficult stage to really completely shift, and it takes a few years. Don’t think that telling your friends what a terrible person you ex was will help – telling them how you FEEL is great, but negative thoughts will exacerbate your moving through this critical part of the process.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS STAGE:

Find people who you can laugh with – even about how awful the whole experience is or the things that are happening to you. Humour can help you stand outside your situation, get a perspective, and not get stuck in a victim mentality.

I was blessed in having friends who said things like “what’s happened to you is so awful it makes me laugh!” Those friends helped me focus on what I was going to do next, not on what seemed now just a miserable past.

Find ways to express anger. Hitting pillows, energetic sport, screaming you head off whilst driving alone in the car. Crying – or laughing till you cry – at sad movies and songs and really letting go, is a very powerful way of reducing stress and anger. It’s what children do so naturally, and insanely, we train them to `be brave’.

Alcohol and wild parties may seem attractive at this stage, but you will be vulnerable to seeking `rescue’ from a new relationship before you are ready. This is not the time you will easily attract the kind of people into your life who will be gentle and supportive. Let your anger be expressed freely but in ways that does not harm others. Don’t be afraid to seek any form of help that is productive and works for you. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Gandhi, Jesus, and other deeply gentle and vulnerable people, possessed immense strength.

Pain

The trouble with getting through the anger stage, is that you have no protection from the pain. And boy does it hurt. I remember feeling like my heart had been in an argument with a chainsaw. Just when I thought it must all start to be over, and the crying would stop – it seemed it was only now really beginning.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS STAGE:

It felt mad at the time, but listening to sad songs and really letting the pain go right through me and not trying to block it, actually seemed to help. This stage can be very cathartic. It’s like jumping off a cliff and knowing that it’s going to be rough when you hit the ground, but I began to develop an empathy for others I had never felt before. By tuning in to other’s suffering, I felt not so alone, and my deepest friendships have been formed during that time of vulnerability and compassion not just for others, but for myself.

For some of us, this can be the first time that we have ever accepted that we are not omnipotent, that we do need the help of others, and truly appreciate the value of shared experience.

Acrimony

I tried to avoid this stage, but I ended up paying a high price for ignoring a natural human emotion. Albeit one that you don’t want to spend too much time engaged with.

I drove myself forward with so much positivity, that it took a burst appendix (still don’t know when it actually burst, I was too busy creating my new life to notice) to bring me to a sudden halt. A near death experience was what made me take time to acknowledge some truths, and to accept that it is perfectly natural to not like someone who has hurt you badly emotionally. Trying to do the right thing is not right if you are not being truly honest with yourself.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS STAGE:

Acrimony (or even hatred), like anger, needs to find outlets of expression that will not harm others. A deeper self awareness and self honesty can come from this part of the process. It will often throw up much deeper issues, that go way beyond the situation that acted as a catalyst to bring you to this place in your life.

Difficult decisions may need to be made at this time, and self honesty and a passionate commitment to your own positive future will help you steer a steady course. Don’t be afraid of your own emotions, even if they seem over the top. This is a new you being born, and the chick doesn’t get out of the egg by flapping its wings. Bashing it’s beak to smash the shell is what is needed. Use the energy and focus that comes from the emotions you are feeling, and act honourably. Lead by example.

You may need to re-asses earlier information, legal or financial, and if compromises need to be made, ensure that you are focusing on the future you want to create, not things that you are trying to hang on to from the past.

Grief

I remember starting to remember some of the `good times’ – and realising the part I played in the relationship break up. Without any blame or beating myself up, things were no longer so black and white. However, I felt no sense of regret – I had changed so much that I barely recognised the person I had been, and had no desire to go back to that time.

The pain that you felt at an earlier stage can now be more completely expressed – to yourself – without any self pity or feeling of weakness. The sense of loss can be all encompassing, and often involves a strong sense of personal responsibility and lack of blame for others.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS STAGE:

Put yourself first. Stop trying to be superhuman and focus on what really matters to you, what gives you pleasure and joy, and all that you dream of creating in the future. Even in the depths of grief you can feel deep gratitude for all that is good and healthy in your life, and for all the support and love that you have received going through this long process. Gratitude makes you concentrate on the good things in your life, and what you focus on is what you attract more of into your life.

Acceptance & Hope

A clear vision of the positive future you are creating for yourself is crucial, and a mature acceptance of your own vulnerability and weaknesses. This acceptance of who you are and what you have to give, will be the greatest source of strength you have ever experienced.

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE:

Life is never still, and good and bad things can be repeated during your life. But despite the pain and intense emotions you have undergone over the last few years, your now have a freedom to move forward unencumbered by your past.

Most importantly, by taking responsibility for all that has happened in your life (without blame or shame) you will know that history need not repeat itself. You are in charge of your own future, and how you deal with what life brings you. By accepting what life offers, and being grateful for all that is beautiful in your life, you will invite in people and experiences that you were not ready to receive in the past. The future can be a wonderful place to live – in the present.

a strange gift

Unplanned Solo Parenting

It’s a January morning in 2003 and I can’t bring myself to take the kids to school. What will I say when someone asks me “How are you?” The answer, you see, is just not the stuff of polite conversation.

“W E L L… My partner of ten years has just dumped me. I was supposed to live with him into old age. I had no idea he wasn’t happy. I loved the bastard. But that was only the half of it – he has dumped me with three kids under seven. With not enough savings to build a realist future…..

With no job.

With a house that was going to be sold to pay off debts.

With no pension.

With a fortieth birthday coming up that year….. Fucking hell.”

Its now almost a year later. I’ve been in the bath, listening to Alanis Morissette and her passionate angry lyrics, and trying to cry. This is one of my latest self-help ventures, a continuation of productive attempts to turn a major emotional disaster into a life enhancing success. Getting to where I am now has been an interesting process.

Alanis is singing it all for me – “I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone” (in my case it felt more like a machete job); “waiting for deliverance” (the “oh God somebody please come and rescue me” stage); “I don’t want to be a band-aid if the wound is not mine” (Jesus – how can he save me – he’s got more emotional baggage than I have!); “The cross I bare that you gave to me” (No-one can do that victim-thing better than a woman scorned). Anger and pain that seemed to shred me from the inside out. A slow, crippling, crumbling of the core of my body that I didn’t even know existed within me. For me, this was my first taste of bereavement.

Obviously, after all that had happened, my shattered sense of self worth was screaming for a shag – but fortunately, the offers on hand were by people who seemed even more lost and confused than I was. I managed to steer clear – more by luck than judgement – through that first clichéd hurdle. I went through the “oh, he’s bound to realise what he’s done and try to make another go of it” phase. But he didn’t. Meanwhile, I was experiencing the early stages of panic attacks, and a weird sensation that time was moving far more slowly than it ever had before.

It finally dawned on me – I was in grief. I had never had any one truly close to me die before, but this was the closest thing. I had lost a whole life – past and future. Gone in an incomprehensible instant. Always thinking it might reappear around the next corner – but gradually realising that that part of me was gone forever. So I did what my many wise friends were encouraging me to do – I got real.

I had the blessing of so many fantastic friends – friends I didn’t even know I had – who gave so much more than just emotional support and the time to listen. They were brave enough to be honest with me – comments like “God, what’s happened to you is so awful I can’t help laughing” were strangely helpful. I also loved the response from one dear friend, after the guilt I had been feeling of dumping such awful news on my family and friends. When I told her that I was now joining the club of single motherhood, she said with great passion and absolutely no tact – “FANTASTIC!” But my friends also prevented my tackling of the mundane realities – possible financial holocaust; children torn out of school – from leaving me devoid of hope, and they helped me to believe that the world still had some good stuff waiting for me up ahead.

I was fighting. I moved out, got a place to rent, started panicking about my future. But I was still the victim fighting against the odds – and the trouble with that is you just never get your act together, because it’s always someone else’s fault. It’s only when you face up to the horrifying reality of a situation that you can truly take it in hand – and own it. You make it your own. It’s no-one else’s fault or responsibility if you don’t make things work out. I looked the worse case scenarios of every aspect of my life right in the face – and made whatever provisions I could. And somehow, by making that appointment with the loan parent advisor with my youngest child screaming throughout most of the interview (no toys provided or changing room), applying for State Benefits and enrolling the kids in schools I hadn’t previously wanted them to go to – took the fear away. It didn’t mean “that was it” – it just meant I was taking back some control. And you know the amazing thing? Even though it took a real leap of faith, and a good helping of black humour, to really start taking control of my life, the more I did it, the more I believed it was going to work out somehow. And the most amazing thing for me was, that other people seemed to be drawn in and they began to believe it too.

Strange as it may sound, but it was the children who helped the most, because they forced me to take back control of the present. I didn’t have the luxury of descending into total emotional freefall. There were these very strong brave little people who needed me to make things work out for them. They kept me sane in other ways too. When your partner has acted as if the past ten years was merely a passing of time without any emotional consequence, you really begin to question whether you have imagined the whole thing. But the children lie as physical evidence of something beautiful that no mid-life crisis can obliterate.

A good friend sent me off on an excellent motivational course. Boy was I ready for that. It was like someone had handed me a load of really useful tools to continue turning my life around even more dramatically than I already had done – and getting rid of all those stupid self-limiting beliefs that I didn’t know I had. Now that I wasn’t a `mother of three in a stable relationship with a house and two cars”, I had the opportunity to become anything I wanted. Of course, I could have done all that before, but oh, the children are so exhausting and the house has to be finished and the list of excuses for not thinking about my own personal growth were endless. People would ask me “how do you cope on your own”. But strangely, having one less adult to care for actually made my life easier. Also, not having to bear the burden of someone else’s unhappiness that neither of us had really been able to acknowledge – well that was like a massif weight lifted from my shoulders. I got rid of all my excuses and allowed myself to dream of what I wanted with ambition instead of frustrated regret. I had become free. I had become myself again.

I did have one tricky problem for a while. No one tells you what to do with your ex-partner. You’re supposed to hate and despise them – they are the reason behind every sorrow in your life. It was all so horribly negative, and somehow, the children took me from the bitterness of the usual break-up mentality and gave me every reason to fight for something better. When you have a living reminder of unconditional love each day, it makes you question the quality of the love that you think has now broken your heart. And that was yet another revelation – it’s not `love’ that causes the pain. Love is a good thing. What causes the pain – and so many problems within relationships of all kinds – is being `needy’. That was not a person I wanted to be any longer.

After ten years of learning to live with someone in love, in seemed so crazy just to give it all up because I now wanted to find a new way to live with them – albeit separately. I finally realised that posing ‘unanswerable questions’ and re-examining the past ad nauseum were clearly not getting me anywhere. I decided to let the love that had kept us together for ten years be the guiding factor with keeping us healthily and positively apart. The children were a constant reminder that anger and self-pity and doubt and fear – in other words, parenthood – can all be balanced with, well, love.

I was lucky enough to be able to put down a deposit on a house and get out of the Benefit trap – thank god for interest-only mortgages. I make the house `work’ for me by taking in lodgers, though some of my friends are keeping a book out on how long each one will last. I enrolled on a training course that takes up almost every Saturday for the next two years and THEN organised the childcare, knowing that was the only way I would make it happen. I am home schooling one of my kids and loving it.

I would not change anything in my life. I never realised that being single was such a natural state, and the more I enjoy it, the more I know that I will end up eventually with someone who is happy and motivated and probably want to hang around for a while, because they will be with me because they want to be and not because they are afraid to be alone. Meanwhile, I am enjoying a social life I would have felt was positively indulgent during my previous life as happy housewife. Of course I do sometimes miss man-cuddles, and I definitely miss sex. But God, if there wasn’t anything to miss everyone would stay single forever.

The kids and I had a drink at the pub today with their dad. And I played him at pool – and lost (but not badly). It was good. I still get those deep unremitting pains sometimes – especially when the first Christmas and New Year struck – but the pain starts to take on a familiarity that makes it somehow less debilitating. I don’t know what the future might bring, but I know that at least the past is not going to fuck it up for me.

I’ve been lucky to have an ex-partner who has been financially supportive and taken on the role of fatherhood with an ever-increasing confidence and enthusiasm. Things could have been a lot worse for me and for some people they are. I have learnt that being with three young children, either in or out of a relationship, is not a chore or a burden. Even though it is hard sometimes, it does not stop you from living your life to the full. Parenthood, in any form, is a gift.

So I’m sitting in the bath and I’ve finally managed to blubber a bit, and I’m wondering how to describe that odd feeling I have when I’m all alone in the house and the kids are quiet in their beds. A kind of familiar feeling that seems to be growing stronger all the time – that precious time that I have for myself. I think I can only describe it as – “Freedom”…

Suzy Miller

Producer of the Starting Over Show and creator of Travel Guide for Divorce

(Published Juno Magazine 2006)