Are you financially worse off after divorce or break up if you never tied the knot?
January 29, 2009 by Suzy
Many people don’t realise this, but common law marriage doesn’t exist, and the financial implications of breakup during a recession can be very different depending on whether or not you have legally tied the knot.
A survey by Starting Over Show (SOS) reveals that over 86% of the participants personally know someone going through a relationship break up or divorce during the last two years, and SOS believes that statistic is likely to increase due to the financial pressures of the current recession.
In another survey by the same organisation in the Autumn of 2008, 46.7% thought that common law marriage exists. But family lawyers Mayo Wynne Baxter have to explain the sad truth to some of their clients who are not married, that the law treats `living together’ couples who are breaking up very differently from married ones. “They ask me what they are entitled to,” says Linda Lamb, one of the senior partners at the Brighton family law firm, “and I have to tell them that if they have not acquired an interest in the property of their partner or if there are no children of the relationship where there could be a claim for the children, they are entitled to nothing.”
The Government-backed `Living Together Campaign’ is trying to raise awareness of the problem, and information on the legal position of unmarried couples can be seen on the Advice Now website.
Many breakups are made worse by couples being in debt, something which Fiona Monson of Armida Business Recovery LLP, helps them to resolve. But Fiona’s experience of the financial implications of not being married are perhaps surprising, due to the lack of legal protection in law for unmarried couples:
“Surprisingly I can’t think of many insolvency cases where non-married ’spouses’ have been worse off due to divorce. This may be because the spouse or ex-spouse is treated pretty badly in bankruptcy whereas a ‘common law spouse’ is not an associate of the bankrupt so is less likely to be pursued as the onus of proof shifts to the trustee and cannot be pursued for as long.”
So it seems that if your ex-partner is going bankrupt you may be better off for not having married them – but if there is still money in the pot, then a partner who has stayed home to bring up the kids is at a serious disadvantage.
With the massive increase in redundancies and the deepening of the recession, financial pressures can not only act as a catalyst for divorce and break up, but also make those break ups even more traumatic.
“I certainly have stories of debt causing or worsening splits” Fiona tells us. “I did an individual voluntary arrangement for a lady who desperately wanted to keep her financial situation secret from her husband. Inevitably he found out and they divorced. I also had a bankrupt whose estranged wife owned property before they were married but put it into joint names so I was able to claim it was half his – and she had to pay £25,000 – not nice but the legal position gave me no choice but to pursue it. I did have one case where the couple weren’t married and out of guilt (I think he was seeing someone else) the bankrupt let her keep all the proceeds from the sale of the house which he had no legal right to do under the circumstances. I had a horrible meeting throughout which she sobbed as she realised that his bankruptcy did not allow her to receive any funds, as a non-married couple and with her name not on the deeds, all the money had to go to his creditors. Sometimes it’s really tough doing this job but, luckily, most of the time I get to help people resolve their financial dilemmas and start over again.”
There is a lot of complication surrounding ownership of the matrimonial home which gets particularly messy when divorce and bankruptcy coincide. There has been a lot of case law on this, but a case in December 2007 awarded the house back to the wife having had the divorce settlement set aside. The main point is there is little clarity on this and people are likely to incur huge costs defending their corner.
The advice from family lawyers like Linda Lamb is that if you are not planning on getting married, then have a contract drawn up with independent legal advice agreeing the financial split should the relationship end, and be aware of the possible implications if either of you go bankrupt, whether married or not.
Interesting Facts:
Family Lawyers can draw up `living together’ contracts, but so can some independent wills/trusts specialists. If you get divorced, you may want to update your will (unless you want to leave everything to your ex!)
A study has shown that January 8th is the busiest day of the year for divorce lawyers when up to 1 in 5 couples will enquire about divorce after the pressures of Christmas. The enforced intimacy of Christmas, coupled with the start of a new year, is thought to be the main trigger.
Reported in the Daily Telegraph 8 January 2007
Results of survey can be viewed here: http://www.surveymonkey.com/sr.aspx?sm=P2o1DSUyjaROtnB8RWXdfuxNQZGvhiet42X1AauzOMs_3d
Suzy Miller has also created an independent, non-commercial online resource hub – the SOS Village http://www.sos-village.org which allows people to access a range of resources and to share personal stories to help them through a break up.
Seven things NOT to do when getting Divorced or breaking up
January 29, 2009 by Suzy
As the producer of the first UK divorce fair in March 2009, I have become very involved in the practical and emotional consequences that beset those of us who have been through divorces and significant relationship break ups. I decided to ask my friends for advice that they might share based on their own personal experiences.
1 Be careful what you agree to
For example, a settlement that has the condition of spousal maintenance payments ending on the remarriage (or cohabitation) of the ex-partner, can be an ultimately destructive agreement. Even if you swear blind you will never marry again, try not to create a financial incentive to stay single. If your ex-spouse paying out the maintenance is able to co-habit and marry again, why should you risk financial hardship if you should fall in love with an impoverished artist?
A fair settlement should not be dependent on remarriage, and Family Finance Barrister Elissa Da Costa tells us that courts in London rarely consider cohabitation a reason to terminate periodical payments for the very reason that the cohabitation relationship is far more tenuous than marriage. However, your ex spouse may reasonably want to put a limit on the duration of the spousal support.
My friend E: “I agreed to a maintenance settlement that included my maintenance being subject to me remaining single, but despite money for my young children, I need my own spousal maintenance to keep a large house going (I have 4 children from the marriage) and as they are still young, I am unable to earn enough to keep the house going on my own. As soon as the ink was dry on the divorce papers, my ex-spouse remarried, while I meanwhile, cannot even consider living with someone else unless they are able to support me and my family. Most wives, based on earning capacity, age of children etc, have to accept a limited period of spousal maintenance (maybe 3 or 5 years) although she MUST stick out for the option to go back to court at that time to have this period extended if necessary. My advice is to be extremely wary of cohabitation but accept that maintenance isn’t forever. Try to secure other things not relevant to whether you stay single or remarry, like equity in the house or a portion of the pension. ”
Expert advice: “If you are a wife, likely to receive periodical payments, make sure that your divorce proceedings are issued in the Principal Registry in London as the judges there do not approve of cohabitation as the trigger to stop periodical payments.” Elissa Da Costa, Family Finance Barrister
2 Don’t accept a poor settlement just to `stay out of court’ or `get it all over with’.
The temptation to just end the whole horrible process can mean accepting a settlement that will, when the dust has settled, lead to resentment and a real sense of injustice, which will do nothing to improve the post marital relationship.
My friend FM: “A few years after my divorce I wrote to the legal expert in the Guardian to ask if I could go back to court and change my bad divorce settlement which I had agreed to because I wanted to let go of the past and move on. The consequence of which, is that my ex-husband now has a large `stake’ in the house without any responsibility for paying the mortgage, or maintenance of the property. With two children I am not in a position, only being able to work part time, to buy him out, and I receive only a small amount of money for the kids but nothing for me. I realise now that I should have stood up for myself at the time and insisted on a fairer settlement, which the courts were likely to have backed, and now I have an extra source of grievance with my ex that I could have avoided. The advice printed in the Guardian was that I am stuck with my original settlement.”
Expert advice: “This is indeed correct and spouses should consider carefully the financial ramifications of certain outcomes. However, this is not to say that it is always wrong to settle rather than hold out for more money. Money is not always everything and depending on the reasons for the marital breakdown, the need to get on with life and the emotional fall out from the divorce process, it may be worth taking less and in effect paying for finality and peace of mind.” Elissa Da Costa, Family Finance Barrister
3 Don’t agree to a settlement that is not linked to inflation by a pre-agreed formula
Even though my good friend JT agreed a maintenance arrangement with his ex-wife that was index-linked to inflation, poor drafting by both parties’ barristers meant that what is meant to be an annual increase was able to be asserted just 12 weeks into the agreement. Further dispute erupted consequent to there being several different ways to make the fiscal calculation.
My friend JT: “What this means is that despite the decree absolute being long past, financial wrangles, which would be costly and threaten to lead us straight back into court, continue to blight my life. I would recommend that a clear formula of how to evaluate any future maintenance adjustments be defined as part of the divorce settlement, and agreement also on when it can be imposed. Otherwise, it feels like the divorce is never over and the healing cannot begin.”
4 Don’t go on dating sites until you have finished being angry with your ex
I see countless online dating profiles (not just all `research’, I confess!) where the profiles ask to meet people through the site who are `honest’ (which I usually interpret as `won’t commit adultery like their last partner) and openly tell future dates that they are `overweight’ or `don’t have much money’ which are not only going to read as `don’t love myself’ and `have no ambition’, but which show that online sites are better used to widen your social circle where such personal descriptions become irrelevant, rather than looking for a new partner when you are still suffering low self esteem and fear of further rejection.
My friend FS: “When I split up from my long term partner I was in a vulnerable place of no self confidence with relationships and feeling very needy. The last thing I needed was to meet other people in the same place! Later on I did online dating and had fun meeting new people, but made sure they were ready to meet me!”
5 Don’t think ex-partners have to hate each other
Yes, you may go through stages where that is how you feel, but hang onto a belief that people who once loved each other and were friends, can have a harmonious post break up relationship. This `dream’ (as it may seem at the time) is worth working towards, but if children are involved the damage of break up can be compensated for, to some degree, by both parents acting in a respectful and grown up way with each other, and not just in front of the children either.
My friend S: “You can be angry with someone and with yourself but that is not an excuse to behave badly to someone that you need to maintain a long term relationship with because of the children. This is not about putting yourself second or compromising – it is just about clear boundaries and honest and respectful communication. Even with no children involved, how much better will your next relationship be if the last one is not still haunting you?”
Expert advice: “Something I have found really helpful to process the pain and anger is a goodbye process – it can help the movement to the more optimistic ‘starting over’ phase. It is great if it can be done with the ex partner but if that not possible then with the help of a therapist – or alone.” Julia Armstrong, coach, author and therapist
6 Don’t pretend you’re not angry
Break ups involve anger and pain, and you need to find ways to release those emotions in a healthy way. Write your ex’s name on a squash ball before a strenuous game. Watch sad films and let yourself cry (a great way to relieve stress, by the way), tell your friends and anyone else who will listen how you feel (use “I feel…” instead of “He/she did this or that” – try it). But don’t shout at your ex. Their reaction will fuel your rage and so the game goes on.
My friend J: “When complaining about my ex I learnt to say “I feel…” and then express my feelings without needing to blame anyone in the process. So I’d say what I feel, then listen (that’s important) to what they say back. If they started ranting or trying to lay blame on me, I stopped communications for a while till they got the message. I always tried not to react immediately.
It’s really important to learn how to share experiences without making the other person feel guilty (which is what you tend to do if you are angry with them). This is a great thing to practice for future relationships and if you’re really clever, you will get someone to help you. There are counsellors who can guide you through `break up’ without venting all your anger on each other in the process.”
7 Never Never Never slag off your ex-partner in front of the children
If you see anyone else doing that – stop them. This will cause unbelievable harm to the kids, even very young ones, who already feel confused and guilty (sorry, but they do, whatever you may tell them) that their parents are separating. Don’t burden them with even more angst and unhappiness than they are already having to deal with. Instead, show them how relationships don’t end just because people are not living in the same house, and that treating others with respect should hold true even if they are driving you nuts at the time.
My friend SW: “Do you know that children call `Childline’ so that they can have someone to talk to about their parents’ break up, because they don’t want to talk directly to their parents in case they upset them? They protect us without us realising, so even if we say “I’m really angry about what is happening to my life” by not being derogatory or unkind about someone whom the child loves, that is going to make it easier for the children to safely express their own feelings about how they feel about the break up.”
Suzy Miller has also created an independent, non-commercial online resource hub – the SOS Village http://www.sos-village.org which allows people to access a range of resources and to share personal stories to help them through a break up.
Why one person wants to be at the Starting Over Show this March….
January 27, 2009 by Suzy
Hi Suzy,
I was in Brighton staying at the Ship on Friday night with some girlfriends for a birthday and I picked up the Sos leaflet about the show on the 15th MARCH.
I have been seperated from my husband for 5 years now after he started an affair and left after a year of indecision as to what to do about it. I have always wanted him to come back – feeling as if he has left a void for me and my 2 children (15 and 11, then 9 and 6). I feel true love for him despite all the hurt he has caused us.
On 4 occasions (almost yearly), having sometimes met other people and not seeming to make myself feel the right way about them, and his relationship with the same woman often not working out as he had planned, we have almost got back together, but each time he has gone back to her as I believe her to be the most powerful out of us two women. I still love him very much, and reading your article ‘a strange gift’ has helped me realise I am not alone feeling that and that I can use that love to help the children in keeping us ‘ healthily and positively apart’.
Now I am not a weak person. I am a freelance food stylist, preparing food for photography and writing recipes for magazines and books. I love my job and all those I work with. I have many friends and I love to help others. I spend alot of time with friends and doing what I can for others makes me feel ‘needed’ and making, what I believe to be the best, for my children also gives me that sense of responsibility and purpose that I seem to desperately need to be at one with myself.
I took the children to Australia last year for the whole of the school summer holidays and I take them every year to the Isle of Wight Festival – putting my own tent up and down!!! (I read your article in eve magazine!) I know I do so much with my life now that I would never have done had I been with my ex still. I run my sons football team and have done for 4 years etc….. but I still have a void. I keep ridiculously busy with so much – but I know its to distract my thoughts from my failed relationship.
I feel happy and I feel motivated but still something is not right and I dont necessarily feel that a man would make that better – which is why I am not actively looking and rarely have done!
Having picked up your leaflet I feel hugely inspired and excited about such a show and I will most definately be there. Meeting others with similar situations could most definately help – which is something I have not done – not in a therapy situation anyway and its something I feel the need to do. Workshops sound a great idea for the show too. I feel so able to help others and do so as much as I can, but helping myself emotionally is not as easy!
Many thanks for taking the time to read this
An inspired SOS ticket holder!!
Emma
Divorce statistics
January 25, 2009 by Suzy
• Almost half of all marriages in England and Wales will end in divorce.
• At least one child under 16 is affected in 53% of all cases, with nearly two-thirds of them being under 11.
• Since 1997 average age of divorce has risen from 40.2 to 43.7 years for men and from 37.7 to 41.2 years for women, partly due to the rise in age at marriage.
• The highest rate of divorce is among men and women in their late twenties.
Source: www.statistics.gov.uk
pdf National Statistics 45% divorce rate: 45-divorce-rate
Our research suggests the following:
That new singles will spend more on financial and wellbeing services than their married counterparts
An ongoing survey by professional service directory ‘CertainShops – Professionals Online’ supports anecdotal evidence that, following a relationship break up people are more likely to buy new properties, update their wills and insurances, and spend money on themselves.
Results to date show that in the three years following the break up of a relationship:
26.5% rented a property more than once
36.7% bought a new property
51.0% went on a foreign holiday more than once
27.3% joined a gym
20.0% changed their appearance
35.3% changed their job
Financial advice and legal advice were considered ‘definitely important’ for people going through a relationship break up (53.1% and 50% respectively) with well-being advice also as a definite at 45.5%. The highest score for ‘definitely important’ was 82.8% for ‘people to listen to them sympathetically’.
‘Must Do’s’ for 2009
January 24, 2009 by Suzy
A fantasitic list of things we all must do more of in 2009, especially if we are coping with life changing situations or stuck in a rut, or dealing with divorce, family break up or redundancy.
25 THINGS FOR 2009
1 – Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2 – Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day (buy a lock if you have to)
3 – Live with the 3 E’s: Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
4 – Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did in 2008.
5 – Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
6 – Dream more while you are awake.
7 – Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat fewer foods that are manufactured in plants.
8 – Drink plenty of SuperGreens – and eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
9 – Try to make at least 3 people smile each day.
10 – Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
11 – Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
12 – Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper.
13 – Smile and laugh more.
14 – Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
15 – Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
16 – You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
17 – Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
18 – Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
19 – Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”
20 – Forgive everyone everything.
21 – What other people think of you is none of your business.
22 – Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
23 – However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
24 – Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
25 – The best is yet to come.
Thanks for this list goes to:
Kevin P. Brogan, CEO & President, InnerLight Worldwide Inc. www.innerlightinc.com
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. - Marianne Williamson
Promotions
January 22, 2009 by Suzy
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Have you ever heard of a collaborative barrister?!
January 22, 2009 by Suzy
Listen to our podcast of an interview with a collaborative barrister
Elissa Da Costa: Barrister, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer
Introduction to the Starting Over Show
January 20, 2009 by Suzy
Sunday 15 March 2009
Starting Over Show – Barcelo Brighton Old Ship Hotel
www.startingovershow.co.uk
We are creating a hub of information and inspiration for the benefit of everyone who has ever needed to start their life over again. This resource is the creation of Suzy Miller (as featured in August edition of Eve Magazine), who has drawn on her own personal experiences to create the Starting Over Show.
The event will include a free workshop by Channel 5’s The Wright Stuff relationship coach Francine Kaye, a free legal surgery, an Indulgence and Wellbeing area, and a talk and book signing by Anna Pasternak (Daisy Dooley Does Divorce).
A relationship break up can be the perfect time to make positive changes whether that’s starting up the business you always dreamt of, getting your pension sorted, or losing weight and taking more care of your health.
The Starting Over Show, taking place at the Barcelo Brighton Old Ship Hotel on 15 March 2009, is the first UK event to help people bounce back from relationship break ups and life crises. But through our website at www.startingovershow.co.uk we are able to offer support all year round.
Just like at the live event, we are creating a safe haven in which soon-to-be singletons can take professional advice to build the confidence and skills they need to go it alone, supported by our resource site www.sos-village.org.
The access to skilled professionals, information resources and shared experiences via our blogs and comments, will also be valuable to anyone facing redundancy, retirement, bereavement, or just stuck in a rut.
So access our site now for free and take those first steps in starting your life over – or giving it a bit of a shove in the right direction!
Www.startingovershow.co.uk
All the things you need to know about breaking up and starting over in one SOS
Useful Information
Honest Communication
Personal Transformation
information for divorce and breakup, inspiration for starting over
January 7, 2009 by Suzy
shared stories
Anna Pasternak (Daisy Dooley Does Divorce) reveals her own `starting over’ experience
“The sense of failure was all consuming. Marriage was the first thing I had ever failed at in my life and it hit me hard. But actually, it was the making of me…..”
See other personal stories here:
free mini book download
7 stages of relationship breakdown recovery
click here to download pdf: sos-7-stages-of-relationship-breakdown-recovery-april-09
sos village information
Listen to our podcast of an interview with a collaborative barrister
Elissa Da Costa: Barrister, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer
sos village inspiration
Wikivorce was created by Ian Rispin, a man going through separation and divorce who couldn’t accept that divorce needed to be quite so confusing, so damn difficult, deeply painful and horribly expensive. “When I entered the wonderful world of divorce I found it to be a confusing and scary place where people spoke a goobledegook language and advice was either hard to come by or very expensive. This was a great challenge at a time when my life was in turmoil….”
Read more about Ian’s journey to create the UK’s most popular divorce forum here:
Art Psychotherapy – how can that help us cope with the trauma of relationship break down?
sos live event news
Award winning storyteller Madeleine Grove is performing at the Starting Over Show
Stories speak to us in a direct way – we absorb truths, teaching, and healing effortlessly when we hear a story. That’s why the great teachers have always used them.
See how stories can heal adults going through painful emotional change…….
legal surgery
Free legal surgery at the Starting Over Show
Living hand to mouth whilst waiting for a financial settlement?
diary of a sole parent
short film: a starting over story
networking links
Wikivorce forums packed with useful advice and guidance
Other great resources for starting over
Promotions:
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Why make a will? Or update one due to a change of relationship status?
C.J.H. Consultancy Services can help
Starting Over Show www.startingovershow.co.uk All the things you need to know about breaking up and starting over in one SOS Useful Information Honest Communication Personal Transformation Starting Over Show is part of Certain Shops Ltd. Tel: 0208 8167281 Textphone 18001 0208 8167281 www.certainshops.com Registered in England & Wales Company no. 5685386 VAT no. 880175810 Registered office North Park Lodge South Street East Hoathly Lewes E Sussex BN8 6DS
Being left behind…..
January 7, 2009 by Suzy
2006
One minute we were having a `girl to girl’ secretive conversation in the bathroom so the boys wouldn’t hear, and the next, my 9 year old daughter was in floods of tears. Finally, I had decided to give her an answer to the constant question: “So, Mummy, do you have a boyfriend yet?”
I had managed to have a year long relationship (recently ended) without the kids having a whiff of what was going on. They suffered enough when my 10 year relationship with their dad ended, why should they live through any more of my mistakes. I like to keep things separate.
But this new chap, (let’s call him Brian), had managed to infiltrate his way into the family with amazing dexterity. He had already swopped DVD’s with my children, giving them some of his kids’ films to watch in return and spare clothes from his youngest son were currently being sported by my 7 year old. My daughter was not fooled – she could see something was going down.
I had decided to confide in her. The boys were not included only because I was afraid of the implications of me coming out the cupboard about having a `boyfriend’. I knew that the kids were so keen to have a full time father that I didn’t want to give them false hopes. I rarely have `girl’s talk’ with my daughter –something else I must work on – and she seemed excited to share this secret with me and old enough to accept that this was a new relationship and that we were not yet `in love’.
But suddenly, here she was, in floods of tears as I stood by bemused. She began to blurt out past events, rewinding the clock back almost three years to the day when her father had left. I was shocked and confused at the meteoric mood change and bewildered by how me having a boyfriend could trigger her most painful memories.
“I remember you crying when Daddy left” she blubbed. “And when we woke up in the morning he wasn’t there in bed when we came in to cuddle him.” I comforted her, still searching for a logical connection that would give me a handle on this situation. This was the first time in three years that she had opened up some of her pain and let it out so directly. I waited.
“I don’t want anyone to leave us again” she explained, and it was all suddenly so obvious that I felt angry at myself for not having seen it all before. I realised that despite spending three years telling all three children that their daddy left me, not them, the sense of abandonment was so strong that the fear of it happening again was as alive as it had ever been. Once again, I felt the guilt of having brought them into the world into a relationship that had not been strong enough to give them what they deserved – life long security as part of the package of feeling loved.
I reminded her of how daddy never left her but continues to see her every week and loves his children very much and she put on a brave face but I knew that the hurt went too deep to be fobbed off by my attempts to console her. What I had interpreted on the surface as a childlike longing for both parents to live at home, had been exposed to be three years of fear of abandonment that she could carry forward into adult life intact, a gift from both her parents. I wondered what crept into the dreams of my two sons, who had also seemed to cope so well with the family break up, as they sunk into sleep each night. Knowing you are loved by both your parents is one thing, feeling that they will never desert you is quite another.
We carried on the bedtime routine and I sung them all songs and hugged them all tight. That night I told `B’ that I would not be joining him with his kids at a family party he had invited me to – it was too early. My children will never act as barriers to my future happiness (far from it), but just because I am human and will make mistakes in the future as I have done in the past, the potential for making mistakes that will impact on them is on my mind. So there is a tightrope to be walked. Allowing new potential relationships to blossom, yet at the same time, acknowledging that just a little more thought, time, and ruthless honesty with how I grow those new relationships could make all the difference. It could affect the kind of relationships my children seek out for themselves in the future.
