the big day – Michelle’s SOS Makeover adventure

To see a video snapshot of that big day, take a look at the short film below…..

Read the full version of Michelle’s SOS Makeover here…..

Liz begins her SOS Brighton Makeover

Breaking up after 17 years and with 3 young children, Liz receives advice from the SOS Brighton exhibitors, who give her much needed information & some great inspiration

Liz investigates collaborative law and mediation

Liz is taking part in the “SOS Brighton Divorce Makeover”. This means she will benefit from some free advice and inspiration from a selection of our SOS exhibitors who have generously donated their time to show what options and choices are available to someone going through divorce or relationship breakup.

3 December 2009

I had the pleasure of spending some time with Liz and both being mothers of 3 and both proactive, positive people by nature, I really enjoyed getting to know Liz a bit better and learning more about her situation.

Like myself, Liz did not get married or have any legal protection in place when she gave up her career to have children, and we both agreed that it is important to encourage others who want to live together without marrying, to ALWAYS create a living together agreement. Without one, your legal position if the relationship breaks down is very tenuous indeed, since common law marriage is a myth.

Liz had productive phone conversations with Alan Larkin of Mayo Wynne Baxter LLP, who are a Collaborative Law Firm, and also with John Stebbing of Stephen Rimmer LLP who is a trained Mediator.  Liz tells us of her experience:

“Alan called me that evening and we chatted for about 90 mins! He is lovely and I felt at ease talking to him and seemed to bond well. I gave him an outline of my situation and where I’m at now.

I was made aware of collaborative law and how it can be beneficial, rather than attending court.

Alan Larkin

However, after Alan and John heard my story they both agreed that at the current time, it would seem that mediation is my best way forward as my Ex does not have a lawyer. Alan informed me that I could change lawyers, should I wish. In any case I learned from my Ex that he does not have a lawyer and he won’t be using one until he reaches court.

Both John and Alan thought that my Ex may need a more sensitive approach, should he wish to mediate. He possibly needs the option of choosing a male mediator/collaborative lawyer as opposed to a female. He may feel less intimidated that way.

They both gave me lots of really good advice and information. Alan asked that I keep in touch and let him know my outcome.

At this point, however, neither mediation nor collaborative law are appropriate in my situation. I informed my Ex that it would be beneficial to consider mediation but he refused.”

Linda Lamb, Alan Larkin. Robert Williams, Charles Le May: MayoWynneBaxter Collaborative family law

Family lawyers who look for solutions.  Firm provides all legal services.  London & Brighton events.

I think Liz is fantastic – she is able to access new information, new ways of proceeding, and keeping her options open – whilst at the same time juggling family life, her love of singing, and a difficult breakup that is creating currently a perilous financial situation.  I think it takes great courage to explore new and less aggressive ways of dealing with a difficult life situation like break up, when most people’s reaction is to fight fire with fire.

John Stebbing is a trained mediator at Stephen Rimmer LLP. John’s advice regarding the benefits of mediation were as follows:

Mediation may well be the best placed option if you can get your partner to PARTICIPATE.

The approach either directly or through your lawyer needs to be sensitive to his character and background.

You can bring home to both your partner and yourself in mediation the SPECIAL attributes of your family now, and for the future.

It is a forum where you can both center on your children’s needs, and plan how you can live apart, both caring for them, but with STYLE.

Neither of you benefit from conflict, yet the children will greatly benefit form a working relationship being created out of the adversity of relationship breakdown.

Mediation is not a soft option, but through a series of meetings you and can locate the agenda that can address home, financial support, and care of the children by you both through to adulthood.

It can save many weeks of legal correspondence, plus untold anxiety, particularly if the specter of court then looms.

But, Mediation needs you both to buy in.  Your lawyer can raise the option, but I recommend in a way that emphasizes your partner is as much in control of the selection, and choice of option, as you are.

Or you can ask the mediator to approach him and explain how he, or she, may be able to help you both.

Meetings can be arranged around your work schedule – courts notoriously cannot.

The first session will lead to more explanation of mediation as a process, and the fixing of the agenda for further discussion.  Data may need to be collected before progressing, particularly if money issues are a problem.  However child issues can be looked at with immediacy, giving a chance of early resolution far quicker than your lawyer can negotiate, or a court decide.

And, it will be a solution that both your partner and you have invested in.

Why not?  It’s your children, and family – why let others dictate the outcome?

So, I’m hoping that subtly you can bring your partner to the mediation table.

Good luck,

Kind regards

John

John Stebbing: Stephen Rimmer LLP Family law and mediation Brighton event.

25 November 2009

Before meeting SOS mediators and collaborative lawyers, Liz experienced her first session of coaching.  Liz had already had positive experiences of counseling, and wasn’t sure if ‘coaching’ was something she really wanted to try. But luckily – she did! After a coaching session with SOS Exhibitor Julia Armstrong, this was what Liz had to say:

“I have seen Julia and she is wonderful amazing and inspiring woman. Really enjoyed being with her and for so long, until 2pm. I learnt alot today, despite already having counseling and spiritual counseling for a time. I learned new tricks in the first 10 mins. She even gave me a signed copy of her book for inspiration. It was also good because she shared her own experiences too. We focused on mirroring and reflections and the core – and being able to see ‘your stuff’.”

Julia Armstrong is an experienced coach, author, athlete and healer

The story will continue, when Liz meets other SOS experts and professionals who we hope will empower her further.

single mum vs entrepreneur

Funnily enough – although I run an online directory of vetted professionals (www.certainshops.com), am creating the first UK resource site to signpost people through life changing experiences (about to be launched) and created the first UK divorce fairs – I have never written about the experience of combining single motherhood with business. And I’ve written about a lot, as you will see from many blog entries within www.startingovershow.co.uk.

My experience of being a single mum, who is also a businesswoman, has been that the excuse “I can’t do that, because I have kids” is much used by women with children, husbands, regular incomes – but being a single mother with 3 young children, I realised early on in my single motherhood, that I take enormous entrepreneurial risks, create meaningful businesses that may or may not make me self sufficient financially, and follow my vision, BECAUSE of my children.

If ever there was a reason to follow your soul, be true to yourself, and lead by example safe in the knowledge that children don’t see ‘failure’ the same way our adult peers do – it has been as a single mother. In a secure safe family environment with another adult to fully rely on, I would never have discovered and explored my love of creating a new business, or risked everything more than once to create businesses that I believe in. If everything went pear-shaped, the kids are still happy as long as I’m happy. But I would not want to put my husband’s or partner’s financial future at risk because of my entrepreneurial disposition.

To do so would seem very irresponsible to most people, and I can understand why – but creating businesses is a passion, not a logical, sensible pastime. Running them takes logical sensible people – but creating anything involves courage and focus. These qualities can come into being from going through emotionally challenging, frightening experiences – like finding yourself alone with three children, the house being sold underneath you, with no legal rights because you stupidly didn’t sign any legal contract (and common law marriage does not exist).  The worst things that happen, can become the best things ever to have happened.

My businesses and my children are both equally at the center of my lives. My youngest (8) often asks when I’m going to stop giving all my money to the business and get a ‘proper job’. I answer that I will review the situation at regular intervals. My children are realists and I listen to their wisdom, but they have learned and understand none the less that single mums do not treat business as a part time hobby – it’s too tough for that when your whole financial future is at stake, and you are alone.

For us, business is an expression of who we are, who we aspire to be, and what we can create for others beyond the realm of our family life.

SOS Resource Partner logos

Logo linked to the SOS site for Resource Partners to put on their websites

<a href=”http://www.startingovershow.co.uk”><img title=”PARTNER_SOS_LOGO-LARGE” src=”http://www.startingovershow.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/PARTNER_SOS_LOGO-LARGE-300×250.jpg” alt=”PARTNER_SOS_LOGO-LARGE” width=”504″ height=”420″ /></a>

Utility Warehouse – free utilities health check

Utility Warehouse – free utilities health check

While many of us know we pay too much for our utilities we are also cautious about change and concerned that we won’t get a good deal.

Bring your bills to the show for a free health check with an Authorised Distributor for the Utility Warehouse, and we’ll show you a different way to manage them.

The Utility Warehouse is recommended by the UK’s leading consumer magazine, and offer great value on energy, broadband, phone-line, and mobiles. They have award-winning customer service with a UK call centre and personal contacts with friendly Distributors. Get everything on one single bill and make your life simpler and easier to manage. If they can’t do you a good deal then we’ll tell you. So give it a spin and keep some of that money for yourself.

If you are looking for a new business venture with flexible working hours to suit you, that can be part time or full time, what better than becoming an Authorised Distributor for the the Utility Warehouse. The Utility Warehouse is operated by Telecom plus, a major British company, established in 1997 and listed on the London Stock Exchange. Telecom plus was named ‘Company of the Year’ at the PLC Awards 2009. Who better to team up with! Come and talk to us at the show and find out how you can benefit yourself and your family.

As business owners we all know how important it is to keep our overheads down without having to worry or check it every five minutes. Nor can you afford to spend ages sorting out individual bills with lots of different providers. Time wasted that could be spent on your own business. Let an Authorised Distributor for the Utility Warehouse do a free check to see if they can simplify things and save you money too on your gas, electric, phone line, calls, mobiles, broadband, NGN’S and extra internet phone lines. The Utility Warehouse is a British Company with a UK based Call Centre with award winning credentials. There is also an opportunity to create a additional income stream for your business by recommending Utility Warehouse services to your customers and business contacts, to increase your portfolio of business activity.  Come and see us at the Starting Over Show.

If you want the best value UK prices for electricity, gas and telephone from a company that consistently tops surveys in the UK’s leading consumer magazine, then click here……

If you want to become a Distributor yourself, set your own hours, have complete control of how you run your business, and fantastic business support, whilst creating a passive income, click here……

Contact Anne Marie by email here to find out more:

Or phone Anne Marie direct on: 01342 824 910

Financial Surgery

A free financial surgery at both the London & Brighton events with Independent Financial Consultant Barry Browning

You probably know that divorce involves an often complex financial split – but did you know that lawyers are not trained financial advisers?

If you want to find out why a financial adviser specialising in divorce can help you create a fairer and swifter financial settlement, saving you time and money, book in to see Barry Browning at the SOS live events in London and Brighton.

In just 15 minutes you will be able to understand how an independent financial adviser can help you, and how you can take more control of your future security.

Book ahead and secure your space at this FREE FINANCIAL SURGERY – email Barry Browning at bbrowning@thinkpositive.co.uk

LOGOS DRAFTS AND CODES

Official SOS exhibitors can request personalized logos with embedded code to promote their presence at Starting Over Show

<a href=”http://www.startingovershow.co.uk”><img title=”Armida_Exhibitor Ad_for_SOS poster” src=”http://www.startingovershow.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Armida_Exhibitor-Ad_for_SOS-poster-300×250.jpg” alt=”Armida_Exhibitor Ad_for_SOS poster” width=”300″ height=”250″ /></a>

Or use the generic logo:

<a href=”http://www.startingovershow.co.uk” target=”_self”><img title=”Exhibitor Ad_for_SOS poster” src=”http://www.startingovershow.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Exhibitor-Ad_for_SOS-poster.jpg” alt=”Exhibitor Ad_for_SOS poster” width=”511″ height=”427″ /></a>

Suicidal children and divorce reform

With divorce leading to suicidal tendencies in children, should the legal profession remain the ‘gatekeepers’ to such an emotional issue?

The discovery in a recent survey that one in three children permanently loses touch with a parent post divorce – usually the father – and that one in five parents say that their primary objective during separation is to make the experience “as unpleasant as possible” for their former spouse, indicates to me the existence of some deep social ills in regard to how we handle relationships when things go wrong, and the fallout from that failure.

So should it be left to Government and the legal profession to be solely responsible for trying – so far unsuccessfully – to improve a situation that leads to children being so unhappy that they feel like killing themselves?

It is not surprising, looking at the study commissioned by family lawyers at Mishcon de Reya to mark the 20th anniversary of the Children Act, that the children involved said that they “felt used” by their parents, with a third feeling isolated and lonely. Half of the parents involved said that they had sought a day in court to haggle over residency arrangements despite knowing it made matters worse for their children. A quarter of parents said the process traumatised their children so much that they self-harmed or were suicidal.

The study is the biggest of its kind and involved interviews with 4,000 parents and children who had been through divorce. The Children Act was supposed to improve the welfare of youngsters caught up in parental separation by placing their needs first. But lawyers at the firm say it has clearly not worked and a new approach is now required. Between 15,000 and 20,000 couples go to court to resolve child access disputes each year.

Sandra Davis, head of the family division at Mishcon de Reya, which represented Diana, Princess of Wales in her divorce, said things had got even worse after the surge in care proceedings following the Baby P case. Battles over residency are now held in a 14-month queue as the family courts struggle to cope with the surge of cases of taking children into care. And these battles cost the state money: Sandra Davis believes that “The millions spent on Legal Aid and running the courts could be better spent educating parents about their children’s needs and how to avoid long-term disputes.”

So overstretched family courts may now be the incentive to look for solutions, rather than just the misery of countless families who have been failed by a legal system that makes them feel dependent upon lawyers. The divorce process can be difficult and time consuming for those who take the ‘do it yourself’ option, in an attempt to save money and also because many associate going to a lawyer as being the equivalent of going to the gun shop, and arming themselves to the teeth ready for a full on battle. Most of the divorcees I have met who have been brave enough to take the law into their own hands are women who have simply run out of funds and have no other choice.

I spoke recently with a friend who had just filled in her Form E, which she downloaded from the internet, making use of the helpful guidelines they provide, and she stayed up to 3 in the morning to sort out and collate the 140 pages of financial proofs, documents, letters and other information and chronologies.

How are we to empower parents and encourage them to put their children first, when the whole process of divorce is so dis-empowering , overwhelming and downright scary, especially to those who feel forced unwillingly to take matters into their own hands? And if the existing legal system, with its high legal fees, is failing to help the process be less damaging to parents and children alike, how are those resorting to do-it-yourself going to do any better?

Mishcon De Reya have suggested creating a “contract” for children to give to their parents on how they ought to be treated during a divorce, and ‘conflict clinics’ where parents can let off steam and resolve issues out of court.  I believe that putting two warring partners into a safe space, to share their hurt and feel ‘heard’, could potentially make the mediation process much more likely to succeed for many couples. It is hard to be ‘reasonable’ and make financial compromises in the interest of the greater good, when you are burning with resentment and bitter pain. That pain needs to be recognised, expressed and shared before it can be ‘let go’.

But if they are to work, these clinics will rely on a highly skilled set of facilitators – as anyone who has been to a really effective counsellor or life coach will tell you, their profession is a calling, not something you take a course on in addition to your legal training.

Making the divorce process less combative would be a good first step – yet currently, if you wish to divorce within two years one of the couple has to accuse the other of adultery or unreasonable behaviour in order to end the marriage contract.

“The current statement of arrangements form is infuriating and divisive and serves no purpose but is a worrying additional hurdle for those trying to manage things without representation.” This is the view of Collaborative Lawyer James Pirrie of Family Law In Partnership: “We must have back- costs awards. At present it is virtually impossible to get a costs order against someone – the result of that is that people are put at risk from bully boy tactics that can be rolled out with impunity.

“Why is it that we aim to encourage parties to put the past behind them and yet we start by insisting that 65% present issues of fault (84,129 out of 128,290)? Our laws are now almost 40 years old (the 73 act was a slight remodelling of the 69 act); what was ‘creative’ back then has become destructive now. If we are so aware that children face fall-out where their parents’ separation is handled badly, why is there no government support provided for parenting information sessions – currently £92 for 4 hours on a pilot arrangement backed by lawyers group Resolution – Parenting After Parting www.resolution.org.uk/parentingafterparting?”

When even the lawyers are calling for change, why are the general public not campaigning for a less aggressive way forwards through divorce? Is it that we are just so used to handing over responsibility to others? Whether we encourage divorcing couples to use Conflict Clinics, Mediation or the Collaborative Law process, the first hurdle is to educate a culture entrenched in litigation and hostility.

And what about those children that this process is ultimately designed to help – how do they fit in? How will their voices be heard? The idea of a ‘contract’ that the children create to guide their parents on how to behave during the divorce process, supported by Mishcon de Reya, is a powerful one – but without the backup of communication and parenting skills support, the basic tools for making this idea work in practice will not be available to most families – unless they were lucky enough to have parents who were good role models for mutual respect and democracy in the family home.

Perhaps the real problem, is that the legal profession is trying to remain the gatekeepers to the divorce process, rather than actively encouraging couples to stop expecting their lawyers to sort it all out for them, and to take full responsibility for the process themselves?

A divorcing couple will approach separate lawyers, often receiving conflicting advice, and then hope for a ‘cure’ from the illness of divorce. They treat their respective lawyers like doctors who have given them a bottle of pills, whilst the patient continues to eat badly, drink and smoke too much – then wonders why they never seem to stay healthy for long and blames the medical profession instead of themselves. They bemoan the fact that the divorce process takes years longer than they ever imagined and costs them most if not more than the value of their joint assets, yet are unable to sit down and talk with each other and find a better way forwards.

Of course, to create communication in a broken relationship is tough and it does take help and support – but many divorces begin amicably, and only become soured as the process takes hold. Sadly, the existing system does little to improve this situation – many claim that it actually encourages it.

Some legal firms – such as Family Law in Partnership who work closely with skilled professionals, who are able to help their clients with the emotional journey they are embarking upon when going through divorce, are client centred and encourage the couples to seek support in a holistic way. As do many of the other family and collaborative law firms who are part of the Starting Over Show events, the firm recognises that a frightened, angry client is going to be able to deal with the legal aspects of divorce in a much better way, if they have been supported emotionally and psychologically, by a trained professional for whom that is their speciality.

If you want to create positive change, good role models are required – and those are hard to find in our current society, reflected in the media obsession with celebrities’ crippling emotional breakups. When Madonna and Guy divorced without any obvious show of hatred, emotional disintegration or public shame, the tabloid press failed to mention to the general public that they used the Collaborative Law process – which aims to keep couples out of court, encompasses mediation and even the use of divorce coaches if the clients so wish. The Collaborative process, as with Mediation, puts children at the heart of the process as the main incentive to avoid a bitter wrangle.

The majority of people I talk to – including those who have been through divorce, have never heard of Collaborative Law. Many think that Mediation is something to do with Relate, and is about ‘getting them back together’, rather then helping them break up with less damage to themselves and to their children. What is the point of creating new initiatives, however sound, if the positive resources available to divorcing couples which already exist are not even part of the public consciousness?

I think the conflict clinics could be a brilliant idea – if run well and if there is a wider, holistic bedrock of emotional support for the parents participating. I invite Mishcon de Reya and Tim Loughton to come and talk to the Starting Over Show visitors in March – most of whom are going through divorce or family breakup – and tell us more. One of the main objectives of Starting Over Show is to raise the profile of mediation and collaborative law as child focused and a much less combative way of moving through divorce.

Sandra Davis of Mischcon de Reya says that: “The millions spent on Legal Aid and running the courts could be better spent educating parents about their children’s needs and how to avoid long-term disputes.” But should the government or the legal profession be leading the way on such a sensible initiative? Looking at their past failures to achieve such an admirable goal, should there not be other, more independent organisations getting actively involved?

I believe that it is not government and the law that needs to lead the change, but that this is the responsibility of us all: As James Pirrie warns: “We need to get to the point where parliament is no longer frightened to deal with this crucial area because of what the Daily Mail says – it was effectively responsible for the abandonment of the 1996 reforms.”

Whilst we create structures to ‘resolve’ the problem of a divorce system that costs misery to families and millions of pounds to the State, we should also work harder to educate and enlighten. To speak of improving the welfare of children whose parents are divorcing yet continue to support laws that say it’s absolutely fine to hit our own children – as long as its not too hard – is somewhat bizarre. If I got cross with an adult in a shop and slapped them, without causing bruising, I’d quite rightly be arrested,

Yes, it’s time to stop ripping the kids apart and using them as weapons in the divorce process. But often simple methods can be quite profound – the poem “Weapons” is given out by a collaborative lawyer at Mayo Wynne Baxter to her clients as a dire warning of what can happen when parents do not take responsibility for breaking up without busting up their kids. It acts as a wake-up call to parents who can so easily (and it easy, I know that from my own experience) put the children into the frontline of the battlefield.

This is not to say that we don’t still need the lawyers – but we need to be more aware of the different legal services on offer, and use those choices wisely. For divorcing couples to have no idea how the collaborative process works, or that mediation is more than a tick box for getting legal aid, then expect their lawyers to rescue them from their divorce nightmare without taking any real responsibility for the process themselves, is unfair. It is up to us to ask questions and find out what choices we have, and then choose the right set of professionals to help us. I would not expect my plumber to fit my central heating if he was not Corgi registered – nor would I expect him to help me decide between a wood burner or a combi boiler – he’s not the one whose going to be sitting in my living room on a cold winters night.

By taking more responsibility for the whole process of divorce – accepting that it is an emotional and psychological journey and not just a set of legal forms, is vital if the current situation is to improve. Collaborative legal firms are perhaps leading the way in encouraging clients to access a range of specialist support, including divorce coaches and financial mediation, but other gatekeepers to the divorce process could be the wealth of information and inspiration that exists already if we ask the right questions, and our own ability to access a holistic approach to a complex life crisis.

Is it not time that parents themselves led the way in divorce reform, by investing in pre-nuptual agreements that are updated regularly, created with the help of mediators and even life coaches so that they become a vision of a positive future for the couple, with a sensible ‘if it doesn’t work out’ provision for what would happen next? After all, we don’t assume we are going to die tomorrow just because we protect our families by creating a Will. Let ‘pre-nups’ become a mission statement for the couple and their children instead of simply a legal and financial document.

Many modern marriages involve couples who already have children and independent assets. Many have been through divorce already. Pre-nups currently lack the legal validity of a partnership agreement between two business colleagues – but couples are increasingly spending money on creating them which indicates that they are ignoring the ‘unromantic’ image and deciding that intelligent partnerships need to be able to discuss all eventualities and make their own decisions rather than risk the lottery of divorce.

Interesting fact:

Cafcass, the family court welfare service, published quarterly figures showing a 60 per cent rise in public law case requests, with 4,236 requests made between April and September 09 compared with 2,608 in the same period last year.

Resources:

SOS Village resource site: http://www.sos-village.org

The poem “Weapons” http://www.startingovershow.co.uk/index.php/using-the-children-as-weapons/

References:

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article6917868.ece

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/11/16/divorce-kids-lose-fathers-115875-21825220/