the wall

The man faced the wall and grimaced. It loomed above him, and although he was sure he could see the top of it, his grappling hook never seemed to get any purchase. His hair and face were speckled with dust and debris from his attempts to climb the wall. His nails were broken, and he could barely get his breath back to a calm level where he could begin to think straight.

When the man stared at the wall head on, the rocks within it moved and shifted their shapes, colours changing, and he could see his past memories pulsating as mute pastel images ,which appeared and disappeared before he could quite place them in time or space. Some of the stones seemed to throb and shimmer with visions that were of his own creation – not actual memories of the past but fears of the future. They spat their dark threatening scenes into his face, so that he creased up his eyes and tears welled up. He could no longer tell whether the fear that surged through his body was made up of past events, or imagined future, as it all seemed locked together by the sticky mortar that held the rocks in place.

Sometimes the man cried out and slammed his fists at the wall, kicked it hard as if by the force of his will he could create a hole through which he would throw himself and then run, run into the future and never look back.

I had stood in front of that same wall. The images I saw locked within the stones were different to the man’s, but just as frightening now as when I had stood alongside him. I had looked up and seen how far there was to climb, and tested the thickness of the rocks with my bare hands, and submitted to the power and strength of my past, and of my unknown mysterious future.

I had breathed in the dust of my own history, and exhaled deeply with sighs and tears and waited till my hands ceased trembling and my heart beat at a more constant rate. Then, I had looked to the right, and to the left. “This wall” thought I, “Is not the Great Wall of China. Perhaps if I walk to the right, I will be able to go around it?”

So I walked, and walked, and kept looking, and the images in the stones laughed at me and spat mortar dust into my eyes but I kept my vision strong and my steps did not falter. And I walked around the wall to the other side.

Now I face forwards, and the wall stands behind me. It is still there, with all my lost dreams, dashed hopes and past pain embedded, engraved, never to be weathered away. But it is behind me, and I am walking forwards. At my own pace. Choosing my own direction.

Behind the wall, in the distance, I hear the man wailing and crashing against the rocks. I would like to help him, but he would not follow me when I walked away to find another route. He seemed strangely determined to continue his battering against his past pain, his future fears, and unwilling to try something new.

I am alone as I walk. There may be another wall up ahead. But there may also be another person who is looking for a way around that wall, and who will walk with me.

Suzy Miller

24 November 2010

starting over in business

Franchise opportunities

Silverdaze Jewelry

Diane Serle: Silverdaze (UK) Ltd Unique silver jewelry franchise

Silverdaze offers a unique jewelry franchise business opportunity.  Enabling you to fit in in around family and other personal commitments.  Overheads are kept to a minimum, maximising your profits.  London event.

Referral marketing:

This is a form of marketing that is only really successful if the product is extremely good – because if you are going to recommend a product or service to your friends, you need first of all to be a happy customer yourself. In fact, you can become your own first customer.  Then all you are doing is sharing the good news!

This is why Utility Warehouse is such a good company to be promoting.

Save yourself money on utilities and if you want, you can create your own referral based business that will work around your existing busy lifestyle and commitments: read more here…….

Pam Gurney: Xango Independent Distributor Business opportunity

The number of people running their own home based business has increased considerably for a number of years. Also the health & nutrition business sector has been growing worldwide for decades.  Xango offer solutions in the area of wellness and anti ageing with world class Mangosteen based products. Business partners receive full training & support. Minimum start up costs. Expanding International Company.  London event

Pam Gurney, Xango Independent Distributor
Tel:    01245 283789

www.wonderfulmangosteen.biz (biz info)
www.wonderfulmangosteen.com (product info)

And who will guide and support me while I start my business?

Well, we have some skilled professionals who can coach you, and give the back up and support that you need to succeed:

Debbie Catt: No More If Onlys Inspirational Speaker & Coach

Debbie is a highly experienced and inspiring speaker with a passion for helping people to overcome setbacks and achieving their goals and ambitions.  She presents tried and tested skills and techniques that have guided her through her turbulent life and career.  Also a business development specialist, Debbie provides invaluable techniques and tips on how to promote a business more effectively. London & Brighton events.

Julia Armstrong: Coach, therapist and author

Coaching in realising human potential.  Julia is a leading performance coach and counsellor working at the core level with over 30 years experience in helping others find happiness and fulfillment. Brighton event.

First Brighton SOS exhibitor get-together is a hit!

Thank you to Mayo Wynne Baxter for their hospitality, and Julia Armstrong for her inspiring talk, making our 12 November 2009 Brighton meet-up a memorable evening.

SOS Brighton Makeover: Liz’s journey……

Liz is taking part in the “SOS Brighton Divorce Makeover”. This means she will benefit from some free advice and inspiration from a selection of our SOS exhibitors who have generously donated their time to show what options and choices are available to someone going through divorce or relationship breakup.

Liz was not legally married to her partner – they were in a long term living together relationship – and now she discovers how few legal rights exist to protect her and that ‘common law marriage’ is a myth.

The story begins with Liz telling us about her situation and her search for a positive way forwards……

Early November 2009

“My partner and I are NOT married. We have 3 daughters aged 5,8 & 10. We have been together 17 years and we own property together.

I have been caring for the children for the past 10 years. I gave up my PR career and have been receiving little income £400 a month to live off whilst together for a few years.

Relationship broke down after he had affair with x-school friend. Tried to repair relationship. Love, Trust, Respect had gone. He became aggressive, bit violent and awkward. We had separate bedrooms for 2 yrs. I told him that it was over but we lived under the same roof for 2 and a half years.

I requested that we split and that he move out for example. He would not. He wouldn’t go to mediation or a solicitor either. It was traumatising the children and myself. The heart and the soul were disturbed and I felt disappointed, angry, violated.

In the end I had no choice but to move out myself with the children. I live in Hove. I have moved out of the family home with the girls for the present, whilst my x, remains in our family home!

I am now trying to fight a battle and get him to some reasonable understanding that whilst I have cared for the children for 10 years I have allowed him to work and save. He could easily get a mortgage and carry on. For me, the most obvious solution would be to move back into my family home with the children. Its my most affordable option.

Although I own half the property, selling it, would be a silly option also, as I could not afford to put a roof over my 3 children’s heads. I would only be able to use the money to rent and then have nothing left.

I am about to go to the solicitor today and find out more about my rights. I am angry and can’t believe that I wouldn’t have many rights as a non-married person. I consider having been together for 17 yrs to be longer than most marriages last. So how come I may not be able to move back to the family home and its not so simple to get him out, as he could afford to go!!!

I am aware of how the rights of women that are not married are so far and few between. We don’t have any, yet many of us give up a career and allow our husbands to work and them not pay for childcare or cleaning or takeaways, we do that bit. Then we are penalised whilst they carry on with their lives, almost unaffected. We can’t just step back into our career, especially if you don’t return to work for a good few years. I do appreciate the husbands/partners work hard to support their family, but it is their choice, we didn’t force them!!!

Perhaps my x will act honorably in the end – I make my wishes and prayers everyday. However, this has been dragging on now for about 3 yrs.”

Liz

So how can we empower Liz and help her see what choices and options she can access?

We are going to arrange for her to receive information and inspiration from the SOS professionals, and I will be interviewing her about her experiences, and how her thoughts, attitudes and actions are influenced by the advice and help that she receives.

Download the pdf here to see full details of Liz’s SOS Makeover: makeover-liz-greader-091109

SOS London Makeover: Michelle’s journey….

Michelle is taking part in the “SOS London Divorce Makeover”. This means she will benefit from some free advice and inspiration from a selection of our SOS exhibitors who have generously donated their time to show what options and choices are available to someone going through divorce or relationship breakup.

The story begins with Michelle telling us about the complexity and pain of her situation.

Early November 2009

“My husband has petitioned for divorce and I have yet to receive the court paper work. So we are in the initial stages of divorce.  We separated on the 27th December 2007, the timing of which, was down to the house opposite ours becoming vacant and available for rent.

My husband moved out of the marital home and into this smaller 3 bedroomed rental property opposite our home, just across a small village green.  Many questioned our decision and thought this too close for comfort, but actually the practicality of it worked out very well…

Our marriage failed for a number of reasons.  We both tried hard, took advice, and even explored counseling.  None of which helped and the marriage was doomed.  No-one was to blame for the untimely ending of the marriage, as there were no other persons involved at the time.

Things moved on and we were happy going our separate ways.  We agreed good contact with the children (every other weekend and half of the school holidays) from the outset of the separation. Living opposite one another this was really just a basis from which we worked. The children afforded themselves a lot more contact with one or other parent as they wished.

Both my husband and I explored other relationships, both of which failed as I personally felt it was too soon for either party to be involved in another relationship (I know this is how it worked out for me).

Since then, we both have new steady partnerships.  We initially agreed to wait the standard two years separation and then opt for a quickie divorce (if there is such a thing).

Things soured between the both of us, after the arrival of his new girlfriend. Her agenda for their relationship was differing to what we agreed and my husband made an application for divorce in recent months.

I no longer live in the marital home due to relocating for a while to care for my terminally ill mother who passed away in March. It was planned I would return to the marital home if/when I returned, however my husband changed that agreement and the marital home is currently still up for sale.

My husband secured another rental property (just round the corner from the marital home) of my limited choice of what was available. Of which he now refuses to pay the rent for and which I can not afford to pay for myself. This has thrown me into the hands of the benefit system and I also now face potential homelessness due to the shortfall in benefit and actually how much the rent costs.

Due to financial restrictions imposed through mediation I am currently planning to represent myself (in court) and have a fixed fee solicitor to complete all the paperwork as respondent.

Mediation was helpful in as much as outlining the finances, but most of what was agreed has now been changed to suit circumstances imposed. This was a costly process for both of us and I now face bankruptcy due to my dire financial situation.

So as the divorce rumbles away in the back ground, my husband and his girlfriend have contact with the children as outlined above and I face the tough job of patching them up emotionally between visits.

My husband’s parents fail to acknowledge me as the children’s mother and after writing them a very heart felt letter I received a very cold response. I now have nothing to do with them, other than encourage the children to call them at least once a fortnight.

In the outset everything was very amicable between my husband and I, now however we no longer speak, unless its of an urgent nature via mobile or the odd email.

I’m not sure if their is a way forward to improve our situation and feel it offers some comfort to his girlfriend if we have no communication.

I’m Bi-Polar and in receipt of incapacity benefit. Although the government in their infinite wisdom feel it’s necessary to apply pressure to me, in the form of getting me back into work, which as I suffer with a mental illness I feel is pretty mad (I can say that being Bi-Polar, its an in joke).  Obviously the effects of which contribute to my illness and therefore make the situation worse.

This obviously effects everything around me…as well as my day to day moods etc.  I’d like to be able to converse with my husband on an improved level with regards to our two children from our marriage and my daughter from a previous relationship (with whom he has deserted and wants nothing more to do with).  He does however see our children on a regular basis.

It saddens me the effect this is having on our children, however after making a number of suggestions (family therapy for us all) I was stonewalled and ignored. I now prefer to control the things within my
power and let go of the things I can’t.

Its hard to actually add feeling to the writing of all of this, however I must add I’m not bitter about the situation, just frustrated by it.

Any advice or an independent outlook would be most welcomed.”

Michelle

So how can we empower Michelle and help her see what choices and options she can access?

We are going to arrange for her to receive information and inspiration from the SOS professionals, and I will be interviewing her about her experiences, and how her thoughts, attitudes and actions are influenced by the advice and help that she receives.

The journey begins…..

Download the pdf here to see full details of Michelle’s SOS Makeover: makeover-michelle-mathias-5-nov-09

Thursday 12 November 09

Michelle receives the following email from SOS coach Julie Jones of Changes Forever.  Julie prepares Michelle for the journey she is about to begin:
Dear Michelle,

I am so thrilled that you are having a day especially for YOU and I very much look forward to welcoming you here on 19th November.

I am not sure if you have received my kind of coaching before but it needs to be experienced to realise its full potential and is designed to help address any specific personal issues, business projects or general conditions of your life that need improving.  It involves honest and open discussion and is completely confidential.

The session will be for 2 hours: In the first hour we will explore your wheel of life, and use the second hour to work on the specific issues you have identified.

Your coach will be me Julie Jones and I am based in my cosy pink coaching room, where we will start with the  Wheel of Life.  In ancient Chinese philosophy they talk about a wheel running smoothly.  By completing this exercise you will see if your wheel is a bit bumpy in places making your life journey a bit uncomfortable!

It’s worth repeating from time to time to see where you’re going and identify if things are moving in the right direction.  We usually suggest every 6 months although sometimes the wheel can change daily!

Initial Exploration/Coaching Session

The aim of the session is to enable you to move forward with whatever you decide is the most pressing issue: you will spend some time identifying an area you specifically want to work on setting a goal and by the end you will have created a plan on a way forward using the options you have identified.

You will be comfortable and not disturbed and it is best if your mobile phone is switched to silent prior to the session.

You will be able to spend a couple of minutes before the session relaxing and thinking about you and what you may like to talk about.  It is useful to have a pen/pencil and something to write on during the session and a soft drink to sip on will be provided

I feel very privileged to have been asked to work with you on what I feel will be an exciting part of your journey, before we head off into London for your meeting with Suzy and the team in Covent Garden.

Warm wishes

Julie Jones
Founder and Relationship/ Lifestyle Coach
Changes Forever
Tel: 01462 643695
Mobile: 07967 135 870

‘Making relationships work for you…at home, work, with yourself and in life’

Accredited Life Coach with Coaching & Mentoring International

Can sole parents ever really be ‘single’ ?

Thanks to @candidandy sharing on Twitter I’ve just read the Times article “The Step Family Files: dealing with new partners” and all the upset, indignation and confusion that is reflected in the comments. I see this situation occur with both sexes and telling couples to ‘discuss these things amicably’ is like telling two hungry dogs to have a friendly chat over who gets to chew on the bone.

Families need mentorship and training, where they can openly express their fears and resentment of new partners no matter how ‘illogical’ or hypocritical. There is no room for judgment here – more useful is creating honest lines of communication, and I see a role for mediators to encourage a step by step guide for making a bad situation gradually work better, putting the welfare of the children at the heart.

There are online groups that can help, like www.successfulsingleparenting.com, who deal head-on with the issues created by becoming ‘blended families’, and Resolution have accredited parenting courses which can help prepare divorcing couples for the complexities of parenting apart.

Perhaps what is most hard to accept, is that bringing new partners into your life will inevitably have consequences on children and ex partners.  Parents who want to take on new relationships with the same ease as pre-parenthood may be in for a shock -  as a sole parent, you are never really ‘single’, with the freedoms we associate with that. At least, not until the kids have left home, by which time most of my potential dates will be wondering if their knees will hold out for another ski trip and may no longer fancy a night out in a pub watching a live band.

But consideration for your children when going back into dating does not have to require a long term sacrifice of creating quality relationships with others – albeit new partners will have to accept that they are becoming part of a complex family situation. I have felt the consequences of that in my own life, and seen it as the creator of the Starting Over Show.

I didn’t like it much at first, but now see that a quality relationship can be strengthened by the rigors of working together to keep children and ex-s feeling secure, and also I’ve learned not to beat myself up over the inevitable fact that kids do get drawn into their parents’ love lives whether we like it or not, and keeping everything ‘separate’ prevents forming relationships with new partners who want to share and be part of your family. Even the way you meet new potential partners can be influenced positively to prioritize other single people who have an awareness and understanding of the patience required when going out with a sole parent and their associated children, ex’s and previous history, which is why using introduction agencies where interviews take place can be wiser than taking your chances on the internet sites.

Forget about perceptions of ‘justice’ and indignation over hypocritical ex’s who seem to want their cake and eat it, even though sometimes the way children are introduced to one or more ‘new parent partners’ can seem crass and brutal and is enough to make you scream.  Focus instead on balancing what is to be lost and what is really to be gained by sharing every aspect of your lives with your children just because it suits you, and without sensitivity to when it would best suit them. And when you do bring new partners into their lives – don’t expect them to like them as much as you do. Why should they?

CertainShops skills swops

For exhibitors who also want to apply to be part of Certain Shops – an online directory of professional service providers whose previous clients have raved about them – then here is some information you may like to see.

The CertainShops brochure:  certainshops-brochure-15-oct-20091

The Skills Swop (a sample):  skills-swop-oct-09

Celebrating Failure – or moving on?

One of my exhibitors, Scott Collier, is a wedding photographer, and he loves weddings. Despite having been divorced himself, he has photographed hundreds of happy couples cutting the wedding cake, so I thought it would be fun to email him a photo of a divorce cake that was doing the rounds on the internet.

His reaction shocked me, and then embarrassed me for not having seen the darker side of these grotesque paradys of wedding bliss in the form of a bride shooting her groom on a cake that celebrates the failure of a marriage.

Scott rightly pointed out that if you made a cake with the groom shooting the wife, the cakes might not create such mirth. And the very idea that a confectionary could be used to enforce a culture of bitterness and even hatred, was one to be wary of.

There’s a difference between ‘moving on’ and ‘starting over’. It is a significant difference. Moving on can be done by blocking out the past – which means also blocking out all the good parts too. That is why it’s so hard for people to think of something ‘nice to say’ about their Ex even though they were nice enough once to live with and even reproduce with.

We encourage people to ‘move on’, but even if they drag behind them a train of reproaches, bitter memories, and embarrassement at having ever ‘loved’ someone who turned out to be a complete monster, we seem to believe as a society that this is perfectly ‘normal’ and acceptable.

When we hear positive stories about divorced couples who genuinely seem to be respectful of each other and co-parent effectively despite the rigours of going through a divorce process, this is viewed as somehow strange, unusual and even (and I have had this levelled at me often) “a bit weird”.

When I tried a ‘letting go’ ceremony, the hardest part was having to remember and share the good things about the relationship. It was painful! But you have to see all of a relationship in order to appreciate what was good as well as what was rubbish, and be able to stand back and not ‘take it personally’. Sounds odd, I know, but it’s that ability to disconnect that sense of being attacked, hard done by, being the ‘victim’, that allows you to recognize your own responsibility (which may just be for being young and naïve, or not feeling that you deserved real love) without blame or guilt.

Acceptance starts with yourself, and then amazingly it’s not so difficult to let go of bitterness and blame normally targeted at others. It’s like a magic wand, that works every time – but getting that self acceptance and self love can be tough and can take years. It’s worth the journey though.

So roll on the divorce parties where there is a true and genuine sense of starting over, not just relief that it’s all over (because if you have kids, it never is ‘over’). And I’ll be the first to cut the cake that shows a harmonious co-parenting family on the top of the cake, or even the new ‘blended family’ that many of us find ourselves being part of as new partners come with children and ex’s as part of the package.

Making friends at FLIP

Behind the Starting Over Shows are a group of dedicated professionals who manage to deal with emotive and complex dispute resolution and helping people to start over from life crises – and they can do that job even better by getting to know each other, understanding each others unique skills and therefore being better able to help their respective clients whose needs often require a holistic approach.

Luckily, the Starting Over Show Networking Club is also great fun, as you can see from the video……

Two new SOS live events & how colour can change the way you feel

Information for divorce and breakup

Inspiration for Starting Over

Our first SOS Event (see the video here) was full of courageous people starting their lives over, and now we are to put on two more events in March 2010, including the first ever London fair of it’s kind.

We also offer free advice and wellbeing support RIGHT NOW for a couple facing breakup and divorce……

Inspiration

Did you know how strong the effect of colour is on how you feel – and  how you make others feel too?

Bernay Laity

Colour psychologist and image consultant

Colour psychologist Bernay Laity tells us how she was inspired to become an expert in her field and how she uses her talent to help others.

“Growing up with a Dad who was a gardener and keen outdoors enthusiast gave me a great appreciation of the natural world and I became fascinated with the changes in shapes, colours and textures of nature as each season passed from one to the next. But my work as interior designer really cemented my passion for colour as I began to notice that it could have a profound effect on a person’s wellbeing. I became curious about why clients picked the colours that they did and noticed that they seemed also to pick colours that reflected their personality.’

Click here to read more about Bernay Laity and listen to her podcast interview….

Talk to our other inspirational exhibitors now….

Inspirational short film:

Talking about the Ex!

information

Do husbands and wives undervalue the financial value of the houseparent?  Would you pay £30,000 for a parent to stay home and bring up the children?

That’s the estimated value of the stay at home mum should you have to replace her.  With the Conservative Party openly committing to making Pre-Nups more binding, will women themselves value their worth as stay at home mums?

Read the full article here…….

To get good information to help you start over, talk to our legal and financial exhibitors now.

shared stories

Life really can begin at 40!  We are sharing a great true story (with the writer’s permission) from social network site www.confidentladies.com.

“The day I returned home from this lovely weekend with my friends my husband was leaving the house and I returned to a half empty home as he had taken what he wanted while I was away…. ”

Read the full story here…..

See other personal stories here:

sos live event news

Dates for the next shows and tickets (£3 each) are available now online from our home page

It is likely that you will know someone thinking about or going through divorce or break up – wouldn’t it be great if you could offer them the opportunity of free legal, financial and wellbeing surgeries and taster sessions to help them choose a non-combative and positive way forward?

Well you can – send them this link to the ‘Be The Best Ex” initiative……

Click here to download information pack: sos-divorce-relationship-makeover1

diary of a sole parent

How do we begin to change the negative attitudes about divorce and the way we think about our Ex?

When I stuck my new Iphone in the faces of three of my friends and video’d them, I asked them a question they had never been asked before.

“Say something nice about your Ex” I demanded. The result was not only a two minute short film, but as they wrestled with the subject matter this was a learning experience for me too…..

Continue reading the article here…..

free mini book downloads

Access to resources and information…….

Resource links

Other great resources for starting over

To find professionals who are all personally recommended visit CertainShops – professionals online

online social network for women ‘starting over’ Confident Ladies

KEY SOS SPONSOR

Dateline Platinum - national dating agency

Promotions:

Free advice and wellbeing support RIGHT NOW for a couple facing breakup and divorce……

In partnership with:

Starting Over Show

www.startingovershow.co.uk

All the things you need to know about breaking up and starting over in one SOS

Useful Information

Honest Communication

Personal Transformation

Starting Over Show is part of Certain Shops Ltd. Tel: 0208 8167281  Textphone 18001 0208 8167281

www.certainshops.com Registered in England & Wales  Company no. 5685386  VAT no. 880175810

Registered office North Park Lodge  South Street  East Hoathly  Lewes  E Sussex  BN8 6DS

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