“Mediation” – what does that mean?

Are you separating from your partner?

Are you having problems agreeing who pays for what?

Are there children involved?

Are you worried about mounting solicitors’ fees?

Are you unable to talk to your partner without getting into an argument?

Have you considered professional mediation?

What is mediation?

Mediation is a process entered into voluntarily by two parties in dispute where a neutral third party will help them to find a solution to their issues in a confidential environment. It aims to find a mutual compromise in which all parties feel that their needs and wishes are being treated fairly and it can be conducted face-to-face or in separate rooms.

Where couples are separating, therefore, the mediator will help the couple to make arrangements for their children, future housing, division of assets, future maintenance etc However, mediation is NOT marriage guidance or relationship counselling. It is not about reconciliation and bringing people back together. If you are concerned about your or your children’s safety, this can be discussed at the initial meeting.

Why should I consider mediation?

When relationships break down, people are often hurt, angry, bitter and confused. This may lead to them behaving unfairly, selfishly or out of character, making it very difficult for the other party to make him or herself heard and understood. Eventually, communication breaks down completely. By talking through an impartial mediator, both parties are given equal opportunity to state their needs and feelings openly, without the risk of aggravating the situation further. The aim of mediation is to resume communication.

Are mediators lawyers?

Mediators come from a variety of backgrounds including family lawyers, Court Reporting Officers (who report to the Court on issues regarding children), Family Therapists etc. They should have been trained by one of the professional bodies who comprise the Family Mediation Council and, if you are seeking public funding, have been assessed as competent to conduct Publicly Funded Mediation by the Legal Services Commission.

Who pays for mediation?

The service is paid for by the parties in dispute. However the costs incurred are significantly less than the cost of going to court. Costs of mediation will, of course, vary from service to service but are unlikely to exceed £1,000 each. The average financial court case takes around six months to complete and could easily cost around £20,000.

Public funding may be available to pay your fees and you will be assessed to see whether you are eligible at the first meeting

Why pay for mediation when I already have a solicitor?

Mediation fees are significantly less than legal fees; mediation reaches mutual agreement faster than going to court; and mediation is considerably less stressful than going to court. What’s more, the work that your solicitor will need to do to implement any settlement reached in mediation will be minimal in comparison.

How can I be sure that mediation is safe?

Anything discussed during mediation must be known to both parties but to no-one else. All negotiations are private and cannot be used in any future court proceedings. At the end of the mediation, you will be provided with a summary of the discussions to give to your solicitor.

Mediation can be undertaken without your partner being present, and children need only seen when it is absolutely necessary.

What is the consequence of not seeking mediation?

If you and your partner cannot come to an agreement over finances and/or arrangements for your children, you may end up in court and incur enormous legal costs – and undergo considerable stress.

Even if your separation is amicable, without a written, formal agreement on children and/or finances, you may face problems or a financial claim by your former partner some time in the future. For example, your former partner may claim a share in an inheritance or lottery win.

Article made available by Lesley Baker of Lambda Mediation

Compulsory marriage vouchers

If the State want to cut down the divorce rate, let them provide ‘marriage vouchers’ that must be cashed in before a couple can be legally married.

I think the Government should give ‘marriage vouchers’ to all married couples prior to their wedding, the same as they give vouchers for national health glasses and early years’ schooling. These vouchers should contribute to the cost of:

1/ A relationship coaching session – ideally one that teaches communication skills and a vision board for the shared future, to make sure the couple want the same things.

The vouchers should, in my opinion, definitely NOT be valid for Relate or other forms of ‘counseling’ – there is much confusion over counseling and coaching.  Coaching is focused on the future and taking proactive responsibility, irrespective (whilst not in any way ignoring) what has gone on in the past.  The choice of which relationship coach the couple uses should be down to them – not from some prescribed government list.

2/ The voucher should also entitle the couple to some sessions with a trained mediator, to create a living together or pre-nup agreement.  In a grown up responsible relationship, a couple should be able to agree on how they would split finances and share parenting should the relationship end.  It may not sound romantic, but fighting over the spoils in a divorce court lacks romance too.

I think the State has a responsibility to support couples in marriage prior to legally marrying them – especially as the State bears such a high financial cost when marriage breaks down. If you start a new business you can get free help from Business Link – if you start a new marriage you get nothing.

Why should the use of these vouchers be ‘compulsory’ prior to being eligible for a legal civil wedding?

Because I think making the use of the vouchers compulsory would be as sensible as making seat belts compulsory.  The State spends a great deal of public money on courts blocked up with fighting couples – and 10% of children from those broken relationships show suicidal tendencies according to recent reports.

The UK divorce laws are a mess and need changing, but changing the law alone will not solve the problem.  We need to support couples getting married in the same way we support new businesses.

What do YOU think?

Tickets are arriving now!

Inspiration

What about the kids?

Children are often left in the dark with the complexity of break up.  But I am searching out information that is aimed directly at the kids.  You’ll find it on this page:

My parents are divorcing – whose listening to me?

Please sign our petition online here:
Break up right – please don’t fight!

Are you ready to meet someone looking for a serious relationship, but have fun searching?  Then come to the party!

The kids rewrite the Ten Commandments

ONE: ‘Put me first – make me the incentive to break up right. Please don’t fight.‘

TWO: ‘Don’t think new partners buying presents and chocolate will make them take the place of my real mum/dad. Kids don’t worship false idols.’

THREE:  ‘You shall not take the name of each other in vain. Remember the day you said ‘I love you’ and know that love lasts forever, even if the relationship doesn’t. And if your love has gone, good manners will do.‘

FOUR: ‘Remember our day of rest, and which parent we spend it with, should include us in the decision making process.’

FIVE:  ‘Honor both father and mother – treat each other with at least the same level of respect you would give to a complete stranger.‘

SIX:  ‘Your old relationship may be dead, but don’t kill the new one – you need a working relationship with your co-parent whether you like it or not.‘

SEVEN:  ‘When you take a new partner, keep us kids informed through the process – don’t just say “here’s your new dad/mum, the last one’s in the bin”.‘

EIGHT:  ‘You shall not steal my childhood. Be honest with me – but that doesn’t mean you can dump all your emotional baggage on me either.‘

NINE:  ‘You shall not bear false witness or lie – but neither can you slag off our mother or father even ‘out of earshot’ – we kids hear everything.’

TEN:  ‘Appreciate what you have with us and don’t compare it to what others have – but now that I have two homes instead of one, that also means double the presents, shopping trips and holidays. OK?’

You’ve been Papped!

Free surgeries and low cost fun taster sessions at SOS

Information for divorce and breakup

Inspiration for Starting Over

Please sign our petition online here: Break up right – please don’t fight!

Free legal, financial & well being surgeries

Low cost workshops

The First EVER London Starting over Show

Coming soon on 7 March Hilton London Metropole

Tickets are now available (if you haven’t already ordered yours) at £3 each if you buy online.  Just click the ‘buy now’ button above.

Hear our radio ad for the London show…….

Inspiration

Our SOS Makeover Star Michelle shares her Starting Over Experience:

To see a video snapshot of that big day, take a look at the short film:

Read the full version of Michelle’s SOS Makeover here…..

Why not join us at the Starting Over Show ball at the Hilton Metropole in London on Saturday 6th March or the Hilton Brighton on 27th March? 

Meet lots of new single people ready to Start Over….

Talk to our  inspirational exhibitors now….

Inspirational healing story: The Little Parrot

A healing story: have you ever felt that you are trying to do more than is possible, with no help from others?  Listen to our audio story here……..

information

Collaborative law – what is it exactly?

Two of our SOS team explain what makes the collaborative process so different……

To get good information to help you start over, talk to our legal and financial exhibitors now.

shared stories

It’s tough being friends with your Ex – but Nici succeeded and she shares her own story with us here…….

Feel the fear – and do it anyway: Diane shares her starting over story here…..

See other personal stories here:

sos live event news

My daughter Cyd wants to support other children (she’s 13) whose parents are going through break up or divorce, and has started a petition to encourage Government to change the divorce laws and to actively support less combative ways of break up.

Cyd hopes to be at both live events (we need to check her dad’s ok with this first!) gathering signatures.  You can sign the petition now online here:

Break up right – please don’t fight!

diary of a sole parent

My own experiences of starting over from break up led to the creation of the Starting Over Shows, and the resource website www.sosvillage.org.

Why did I create the Starting Over Shows?  Find out here……

free mini book downloads

Access to resources and information…….

Resource links

Other great resources for starting over

To find professionals who are all personally recommended visit CertainShops – professionals online

Resources for the Gals

Resources for the Guys

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Join Dateline Platinum now – benefit from free events membership

If you join Dateline Platinum before Sunday 14th February 2010 you will benefit from free membership of Dateline Events, giving you the opportunity to meet more like-minded single people in a friendly and fun environment, and saving you £50!

To take advantage of this great offer, call us now on 0800 840 1857

We look forward to meeting you at the Starting Over Show.

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All the things you need to know about breaking up and starting over in one SOS

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Kettering woman’s miracle makeover

A 38-year-old Northamptonshire mum of three has won an exclusive competition that has helped to change her life.

Michelle, who lives in Kettering, Northamptonshire, applied for an ‘SOS Divorce Makeover‘ after hearing about the competition on a social networking website for people going through divorce.

Since winning the competition, the brainchild of Starting Over Show creator Suzy Miller, Michelle has had access to thousands of pounds worth of free legal and personal advice to help her overcome the trauma of her relationship breakdown. She also had a makeover from Twinns Hairdressers in Mayfair, followed by a professional photoshoot with Mayfair-based top photographer Scott Collier.

Michelle said: “I am so glad I entered the Relationship Makeover competition. When I entered, I was really desperate and it was like clutching at the final straw. I can honestly say that the advice I have been give as part of the SOS makeover has changed my life.

For instance, I didn’t know what collaborative law was. Thanks to James Pirrie of Family Law in Partnership, now I know collaborative law, and alsomediation, are a far better way of resolving things than ending up in court in a bitter dispute. The life coaching I had from Julie Jones of Changes Forever completely transformed my thinking. I thought life coaching was just for the rich and famous, but now I know it can be worthwhile and effective for anyone – whatever their situation.”

Starting Over Show Creator Suzy Miller said: “It was a very big day for Michelle – her first ever experience of life coaching, her first introduction to collaborative law, and her first chance to be made to feel special and have some great photos that reflect the beautiful lady that she is and the person she is striving to become, because of her situation rather than in spite of it.

To hear the full story go to:

(http://www.startingovershow.co.uk/index.php/category/sos-divorce-makeover/michelles-journey/)

If you are going through divorce, relationship breakdown, redundancy, bereavement or a serious illness – or just want to gain a new perspective on your life, you will find the Starting Over Show is a full of information and inspiration.

Ticket are on sale for the next Starting Over Shows at

http://www.startingovershow.co.uk/

There is one on 7 March in London and one in Brighton on 28 March.

Tickets are just £3 when bought online. ENDS

Why I’m putting on the Starting Over Shows

Suzy Miller (center) with ex partner and his wife (2009)

My partner ended our 10 year relationship in 2003.  Our three children were aged 6, 4 and 1 at the time, and it was the most painful and traumatic  experience of my life.  However, as the years passed, I soon became grateful that my ex had the courage to end a relationship that was not truly feeding either of us and we now have a healthy respect for each other.

It was tough getting to where I am now, and on the way I learned that accessing the right information, support and help both legally, financially and emotionally was essential.  My ex partner is a supportive co-parent, living in the same village, sharing the same values and sometimes it amazes me how we got to be in such a good place despite some very difficult times getting here.

It takes courage and vision and a determination to believe in a positive future when life seems nothing but a struggle, but the joy of children is that they provide a massive incentive to make that extra effort.  It is not a journey anyone needs to make alone.  There are skilled people who can help with all aspects of Starting Over who are there to be accessed via the www.startingovershow.co.uk website.

Information and Inspiration are what helped me move forward in my life.  I want to make those resources available to other people through the Starting Over Shows, and through the SOS Village resource hub.

I am now bringing the concept of SOS down to a local level.  The SOS road shows will provide a holistic approach to divorce and break up, taking place in towns throughout the UK on Thursday evenings.

As you can see, Starting Over Show is more than just an ‘exhibition’ – it’s a new way of thinking.

Suzy Miller

Creator of Starting Over Show