SOS Guildford divorce & redundancy road show Surrey/Hants

Listen to our two part ad for SOS at Holiday Inn Guildford for 22 September 2011……

 

SOS Guildford Preview – Divorce & Redundancy Road Show

Redundancy = Divorce ?

Well that is a question that we may over the coming months find real answers to – the hard way.

With the full force of redundancies throughout the UK yet to be felt, and despite the claims that already financially-stretched couples will not be able to ‘afford’ to get a divorce, we could be seeing a real link between income shifts and people leaving their relationships to go it alone.

Figures published by the Office for National Statistics (ONS) show that the number of women seeking Job Seeker’s Allowance rose once again in July 2011 for the twelfth month in a row.
Observer economics editor Heather Stewart has noted:

“Women make up almost two-thirds of the public sector workforce, so it’s hardly surprising they’ve been hit hard by the wave of job losses since the government announced its austerity programme last autumn.”

Part of the shift results from a push – begun by Labour but stepped up by the government – to nudge single mums into the workforce. Mothers are now shifted off long-term benefits such as income support, and on to jobseekers’ allowance when their youngest child is seven. That means they have to attend regular interviews and show that they are actively looking for work.
It’s hard enough having to try to run a family and work, but will the psychological pressures of job hunting combined with fears of not being able to pay the mortgage – which requires two incomes, not one – lead married couples to breaking point?

I have heard stories of men not revealing to their wives when they face redundancy or bankruptcy, unable to be the bearer of such bad news. Is it shame – or fear of a resulting divorce? I have certainly felt the effects of the link between different life crises through organising my Starting Over Show events, where the majority of exhibitors were focused on supporting people through a non-adversarial divorce, but now an increasing number of exhibitors are supporting visitors who are dealing with redundancy and looking for start-up business opportunities as the best way to create a stable financial future.

According to Elizabeth Warren in a NYT article:

“Many people in bankruptcy were solid bill payers until something knocked their legs out from under them. For two-thirds of these people, it was loss of a job, for 40 percent it was a serious medical problem and for 20 percent it was the economic fallout of divorce.  Divorce may be a factor leading to bankruptcy, but bankruptcy doesn’t cause divorce.”

If this is the case, then perhaps the continued scything of jobs by large private and public sector organisations will not result in more divorce after all? Well, not according to a study based upon the results of the British Household Panel Survey from 1991-2005.

The study suggested that married men and women in Britain who lose their jobs are more likely to divorce within a year than other couples.

Norwegian researcher Morten Blekesaune said the findings show the cost of unemployment isn’t just financial. Blekesaune’s findings were based on 3,586 couples in marriages or long-term relationship.

Blekesaune said a woman losing her job is more likely to lead to partnership dissolution the longer the partnership has lasted, while the effect of a man losing his job is the same, regardless of how long a couple has been together.

The study was published by the Institute for Social and Economic Research at the University of Essex, and indicates that whoever loses their job, that indeed the fallout could be a great deal more than just financial.

Suzy Miller Creator of the Starting Over Show
www.startingovershow.co.uk

Get support with redundancy, unfair dismissal and other life crises at the Starting Over Show

Feeling bullied by Ex’s demands to see our child more often

Divorce Coach Rhiannon Ford responds to a request from a mother feeling bullied by her ex husband, who demands to see more of their young child via angry solicitor’s letters.

“I am at my wits end with my ex husband. We divorced earlier this year, but despite him moving on (he has a new partner who lives with him), he is not allowing the children and I to do the same. I have already spent the best part of £6500 in defending myself but he continues to bombard me with solicitors letters making unreasonable demands.

After assaulting me last October (in front of our young child) I refused to see him. I made arrangements for him to see our son through a third party and then a contact order was put in place. He is demanding that the additional contact be split into periods of 24 hours at a time. Bearing in mind, that I have another child from a previous relationship and I have to drive 20 miles to drop off and collect our now 4 year old, I felt that it was not only disruptive to him but to the whole family. It was for that reason that I refused the additional contact.

I am now at my wits end, after receiving their latest letter this weekend. I took the children to Corfu on a last minute booking, and I emailed my ex husband to advise him of the name of the hotel, the resort, who was going and when we would be back. The letter I have received from his solicitors is demanding that I give my ex husband one months notice should I wish to take our son out of the country.

This is the last straw and I have had enough of his unreasonable demands. Its not even as though he wants to take his son away, he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with him any longer that the alternate weekends. His behaviour is disruptive to our whole family and the only way I can see us being able to ‘get on with our lives’ is to apply for a residence order.

I cant afford to instruct a solicitor again and wondered what my chances of being successful in obtaining a residence order ?

Any help or advice you could give me would be very gratefully received.“  A.

Rhiannon’s response:

Divorce and separation is very complicated for those with children. You have found yourself in the uncomfortable situation of your “ex” continuing to be a big part of your life, as you continue to co-parent your children. Most divorcing couples without children, are lucky enough to walk away from the marriage, not having to set eyes on their ex- spouse ever again.  I am sure that your ex- husband’s continued involvement in your life must be very difficult. Not only are there the complications with arrangements for the children, but it also makes it so much more difficult for you to feel able to move on emotionally from the marriage breakdown.

Travel Arrangements

I note that you do all the ferrying back and forth for contact arrangements. It would be more appropriate for this responsibility to be split between you and your ex – husband. If one of you drops off, the other should collect afterwards. If you are not comfortable with him coming to your house, you could arrange to meet him somewhere between the 2 houses, perhaps at the home of a friend or relative. Somewhere that is neutral ground.

Supervised Contact?

I am concerned to hear that your husband assaulted you AND that it was in the presence of your 3 year old son. This is totally unacceptable. I do hope it was brought up in the court proceedings for Contact. It was completely appropriate that after the assault you arranged for contact to take place through a third party. If you are ever at all concerned about the safety of your son when he is in the care of your ex- husband you can request he has “supervised contact”.  His contact with your son, would then take place in the presence of a third party, e.g. a neutral friend/ family member, or at a contact centre.

Contact Schedule

I understand that the court has ordered that your ex -husband can have additional contact on top of his alternate weekends. I can appreciate his request for the contact to be split into periods of 24hrs is going to be very disruptive for you and the children. Unless the court order sets out that the additional contact is to be in 24hrs periods, or it states it is at the discretion of your ex –husband (which I very much doubt), you are not obliged to agree to his request.

I recommend you think about what arrangements would suit you and your son, for all the additional contact and all the contact travel arrangements. Your suggestions could then be set out in a Contact Schedule. Whilst it may feel cumbersome now, it is a good idea to work out all the contact arrangements for the rest of the year. The Schedule will clearly show the arrangements and everyone will know where they stand.

Mediation

If you are unable to reach agreement with your husband about the additional contact, either of you can apply to the court for some guidance. The courts do not like to become involved in children matters unless they are forced to do so. They prefer the families to reach an agreement about what arrangements work for them. The courts are the last resort when it comes to resolving children issues. It is far more appropriate for the two of you to attend Mediation. This would involve meetings with your husband and a trained family mediator who will promote discussions between the two of you in the hope of reaching an agreement.

Residence

Residence is the legal term for where the children live on a daily basis. The parent who has residence is the children’s “primary carer”. The other parent, not living with the children, then has “contact” with the children. From my understanding of your situation, you in fact already have residence of your son. As your husband agrees for your son to live with you for the majority of the time, I suspect the courts would not have thought it necessary for there to be an order made about residence. Having an order for residence would not in fact give you very much more “power “over your husband regarding your son. The bad news is that you will continue to share legal rights for your son, with your ex-husband. These legal rights are called “parental responsibility”.

Each of you is obliged to give as much notice as possible to the other, regarding holiday plans. It sounds like you gave as much notice as you could regarding your recent holiday and you did exactly the right thing by providing your ex with details of your trip, hotel information etc. The solicitor’s letter asking for one month’s notice to take your son out of the country, is only a request from a solicitor. Whilst you are not legally obliged to comply with their request (unless stated in the court order), I do think the request is reasonable; if only to keep the peace and avoid nasty solicitor letters. No doubt, you would expect your ex-husband to do the same for you, if he planned to take your son on holiday. It is important for you both to conduct yourselves with the same level of expectation you would want from the other.

I do not think your husband is approaching matters in the appropriate manner. He is throwing money at solicitors with little success or progress, other than continuing to upset you. It is vitally important for estranged parents to put aside their personal feelings for each other, and put the needs of the children first. However much you want to forget your ex-husband exists, you do unfortunately have to continue to have a working relationship with him as your son’s mum and dad.

I highly recommend investigating the mediation option. It can be a very effective means of reaching agreement and saving money on legal costs. Whilst it is not free, mediators do take account of the financial position of the clients with their fees. You may also be entitled to public funding (previously known as legal aid).

Good luck and stay strong!

Kind Regards

Rhiannon
Divorce Coach

Rhiannon Ford Divorce Coaching provides step by step support for people going through divorce or separation.  A qualified solicitor, Rhiannon has valuable insight into the legal process, providing her with a clear understanding of the emotional difficulties facing her clients.  She can also help on a practical level, translating legal jargon, completing legal forms and giving guidance to prepare for court and mediation.

Book a free 1-1 powwow with Rhiannon at the Starting Over Show. Click here for SOS powwow details……

Take A Break Magazine – divorce stories

4 August 2011 Issue 31

Suzy Miller is featured in this issue of Take A Break magazine along with one of the SOS Guildford exhibitors, Marina Pearson of Soul Conneczions.

 

 

Collaborative family lawyer Naim Qureshi

Going through a divorce using lawyers does not have to involve court battles – not if you use Collaborative Family Lawyers.

Come and meet Naim Qureshi from the independent law firm Gordon Dadds, who pride themselves on building long term relationships with their clients, many of whom stay with the firm for years and benefit from their extensive range of services.  Clients range from individuals and wealthy families to companies and charities.

Testimonials:

“Championing a vulnerable client when emotions are running high is a skill in itself and Naim excels in human politics as well as in the law.”  

Penny Dash Director 
Deeper Media

“Naim is an excellent professional that really knows all aspects of the legal process. He is an amazingly gifted individual that is able to consistently bring out the best results in all his endeavours that I have been lucky to be a part of.”
Farjad Ahmed – former client

www.gordondadds.com

 

Talk to Naim and take the opportunity to get some initial information on the options available and the best way forward.  A friendly, non-threatening environment where you can ask questions and leave better informed on how the Collaborative Process can keep you out of court.

 

Divorce Mediator Samantha Jago

Samantha has a wide range of experience in all family matters to include prenuptial agreements, cohabitation agreements, divorce, disputes over jurisdiction, cohabitation disputes, civil partnerships, children matters, injunctions and resolving financial matters arising from the breakdown of a relationship. Samantha also carries out advocacy on behalf of clients.

Samantha is an accredited family law specialist with both the Law Society and Resolution, and she is also a qualified family law mediator with rhw solicitors.

As well as being a member of Resolution, Samantha also regularly advises for the Surrey Law Centre at Guildford CAB. She is past Vice President of Surrey Law Society and advisor for the National Centre for Domestic Violence. An involved member of the National Childbirth Trust (NCT) she writes regularly for their newsletter and also for the Surrey Lawyer.

 

 

Marina Pearson Soul Conneczions

How To Overcome The Heartache of Divorce in 7 easy steps

Divorce and separation can be a hard thing to do. Especially if you were not the one to initiate it. I have had my fair share of break ups and been through a painful divorce and know how challenging these times can be. You feel that there is no way out and somehow you wish that things could be different.

What has got me through these times is my change of perception of the situation. The minute we see the situation differently – in other words we can see how it benefits us the anger and resentment dissolves.

Working with my clients I see this every time. I see that they come with anger or hurt but by the end they are able to see the blessing and the gifts of the situation and how the person they once saw as their enemy they now see as their friend and supporter.

The truth is we usually don’t see how situations that we label bad can help us in that moment or even in the long run. How many times have you confronted a situation that in the moment it was happening you thought it was the worst thing that you could go through? Maybe years later you now realize that without that experience it would not make you the person you are today?

Well the same is true of what you may experiencing, right now. To assist you with this I have put together a 39 page ebook entitled “7 Secrets To Overcome Heartbreak”

They are easy steps to follow and the same ones that I have used myself to overcome the heartbreak that I have recently gone through. Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice and it is for this reason that I felt it was important to allow you to choose. To choose to let go and create the life and relationships you truly desire.

 

“Attending your workshop really assisted in me accepting my man as he is, the relationship for what it is and was able to express gratitude to him for being in my life. The result is a much more connected bond between us. So thank you for sharing your tools and knowledge.” Dipal

 

Click here if you wish to download  “7 Secrets To Overcome Heartbreak”

I took on board each secret and now know that I don’t have to wait years to overcome the grief. You can overcome it in weeks.