What’s in my divorce in a box?
September 28, 2011 by Suzy
Buy the SOS Divorce In A Box for instant information & inspiration
legal pack – starting over from divorce
September 28, 2011 by Suzy
Mediation:
Collaborative Law
DIY divorce
(the rest is still under construction – won’t be long!)
Financial Planners
what is it?
Why should I try it?
Resources
Divorce Coaching
what is it?
Why should I try it?
Resources
what is divorce mediation ?
September 28, 2011 by Suzy
Mediation Fact Sheet
What is mediation?
Well it’s not the same as ‘meditation’ (sitting quietly and connecting to your inner being) and it’s also nothing to do with ‘getting back together’. These are common misconceptions so I wanted to get that out of the way first of all.
Mediation is not appropriate for people who are in physical or psychological danger by being in the same room as their partner, such as in a serious domestic abuse situation, but just not liking each other any more is not a good reason to forsake a tried and tested method of facilitating a long term, sustainable way forward as separate people.
Mediation allows a couple a supported and guided method to end their marriage. It can also be a useful way to sort out parenting issues. With an experienced mediator, even the most difficult roadblocks on the way through divorce and family breakup can be overcome, and you don’t have to go to court. Which is a good thing, as this saves you money and a whole lot of stress.
If your mediator doesn’t happen to be a financial expert, you can bring in a financial planner to deal with any tricky sums relating to house values and pension splitting, (most lawyers would also need to use a financial planner to help sort out that kind of stuff).
The only need for a lawyer would be to check out any legal points that might arise and to make sure your final agreement – although not legally binding – is suitably drafted and appropriate for the judge who will ultimately still makes the decision over what is a ‘fair’ settlement. But you don’t have to go to court or fight over anything, and the mediation sessions are confidential and allow couples to focus on positive goals such as co-parenting after parting.
Emotionally, it can be easier to take a more combative approach if you are angry or deeply hurt, which is why I recommend coaching of some kind prior to mediation to get you into the best emotional and psychological headspace to gain the best benefits from the process.
You can find out more about mediation by clicking here
Being able to listen without fear is a skill we can all learn. Julia Armstrong uses a technique she calls ‘Intentional Dialogue’.
A powerful story of the effects of an aggressive divorce on a child: Listen here
Why it is so important to ask the right questions and avoid a negative framework: see what happened when I asked a few friends to say ‘something positive’ about their ex’s!
why should I use divorce mediation?
September 28, 2011 by Suzy
Mediation Fact Sheet:
Why should I try it?
With a skilled mediator and a bit of co-operation from the couple involved, mediation has some key benefits over using a traditional family lawyer:
It can be quicker. No letters going back and forth (and costing you a packet) – you can talk face to face with the support of the mediator. Mediation usually lasts for between two and five sessions, each of about an hour and a half. However, the time it takes depends on how complicated the issues are.
Children benefit. If their parents are resolving any issues relating to the divorce or break up by searching for solutions together, this has got to be better than firing off demands spurred on by the family lawyer, who may well have your best interests at heart but what about the long term implications, and the effects on the kids? Getting divorced is like giving birth – the focus is often on the actual event rather than the years that will follow.
Less stress. Solicitors letters can often feel threatening when you are not used to legal language, and going to court is a very stressful and usual unpleasant experience. The mediation process allows you to avoid all that.
Cost - it’s usually cheaper. Time in mediation is usually charged at much less than time with a lawyer, and that’s even without needing to go to court. You can also choose how much you do yourself (providing necessary financial information for example) or bring in other professionals if you need them (financial planners, divorce coaches) – depending on your budget. People going through mediation often feel that they have more control over the costs and also the process itself.
The Government wants you to use mediation. If you are not able to resolve your divorce or break up without getting professional help, then the Government doesn’t want you blocking up the courts so they now encourage all couples to at least find out about mediation – via a MIAM (Mediation Information Assessment Meeting) – before they are happy for you to go to court over any divorce related issues.
A wry look at a mythical ‘Mediation Boot Camp’ which highlights the need for a couple to be ‘in the right place’ in order to get the best out of the mediation process. Read it here…..
TR resolutions are Matrimonial financial mediators talking to us about mediation recorded during an SOS event:
The Outcomes of Mediation – a short film by National Family Mediation
divorce mediation resources
September 28, 2011 by Suzy
Mediation:
Resources
Useful Numbers:
Greatvine expert advice:
Suzy Miller – helping you make a map to support your journey through divorce and breakup
£0.51/min*
Useful Downloads:
- Download a guide on Children and Divorce published by Her Majesty’s Court Service.
- Download a guide to Divorce published by Her Majesty’s Court Service.
- I want to get a divorce. Where do I start? published by Her Majesty’s Court Service.
- I have a decree nisi and / or the respondent has replied to my petition.
Download an App for your smartphone.This app from HG Appstore, provides a detailed yet easy to understand step by step guide to the law and the divorce process and provides links to sources of information. It information to anyone considering divorce or separation and who wants to be better informed about the process. Click here for more information. Nominated by The Sunday Times as “Best Legal Advice App”
Useful Websites:
Resource website for dealing with major life changes, including divorce
what is collaborative law?
September 28, 2011 by Suzy
Collaborative lawyers keep you out of court. In fact, you can’t go to court if you use a collaborative lawyer. Should negotiations break down between both parties, and a couple decide to go to court, then they have to get different lawyers to represent them. The advantage of this is that collaborative lawyers have a huge incentive (as do the couple) to find a sustainable and acceptable agreement on all matters relating to the divorce.
Collaborative law differs from using only mediators mainly in that the couple have immediate access to legal advice ‘on tap’ during the sessions. So if you wanted to pop out of the room and have a private chat with your collaborative lawyer, that would be fine, which is not so easily the case with mediation as the mediator must remain completely impartial. So it’s like having someone helping you ‘in your corner’, which can be useful, but also it must be remembered that the collaborative process thrives on the same elements as mediation does – full financial disclosure, and clear communication.
Just because someone is trained in collaborative law does not mean they always work ‘collaboratively’ and it is important to choose your collaborative lawyer carefully. This is of course the same with choosing a mediator or any other professional. Make sure they share your commitment and passion to the positive outcomes of your divorce or break up such as a strong parenting partnership agreement or being comfortable that the final financial settlement was fair.
You are in charge or your divorce, not the lawyers. There are some excellent professionals out there, so don’t just settle for someone who has the job title if you don’t really feel confident that they will be someone you want to work with.
A couple of collaborative lawyers write about what Collaborative Law is all about.
How can an amicable breakup really be possible. Suzy Miller is interviewed on BBC Radio with her story of how it can be done.
Neil Denny provides an excellent video guide to how collaborative law works.
why should I use collaborative lawyers?
September 28, 2011 by Suzy
What can seem tricky to some couples is the idea that they both have a collaborative lawyer – because it only works if both of you are using collaborative lawyers – all sitting around working together to find the best solutions. But this is what happens in mediation too so it is a very good way to resolve or avoid any potential conflict.
Another advantage is that you can include other professionals in the sessions. I know of a couple who resolved their divorce disputes by each having a divorce coach in the sessions with them for emotional support. Mediators and financial advisors can also be included for their specialist knowledge and skills.
The down side is that this can all add up in the costs. However, the likelihood of staying out of court because of finding a non-adversarial route through a potentially contentious divorce, can make such initial outgoings an investment.
Discover if the collaborative model is right for you. Download your free IACP Collaborative Divorce Knowledge Kit
Collaborative Law came over from the States. Here is a video about the process following an American couple through the process. Well worth watching.
Elissa Da Costa: Barrister, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer
Specialists in Matrimonial Finance, Cohabitation and Civil Partnership Disputes.
resources: collaborative divorce law
September 28, 2011 by Suzy
what is DIY divorce?
September 28, 2011 by Suzy
There are two varieties:
DIY out of court – which means you get the necessary paperwork from your local family courthouse, fill it in, submit the forms and if both of you agree on everything then hey presto, it’s all done and dusted. Of course you will need to wait two years after an official separation if you want to avoid stating grounds for the divorce – such as infidelity, abandonment etc – but even then couples sometimes agree to ‘lay blame’ for something that they both know is not true on one of them, in order to not have to wait that long.
There are many online ‘quickie divorces’ that can be bought, which can provide guidance in filling in the paperwork, make sure that the grounds are are correct for the couple, advise on behaviour petitions, ancillary relief paragraphs and also when it comes to the finances prepare consent orders that include pension sharing. Don’t just go for an online divorce option because you think it will be ‘quick’ or ‘cheap’ – there are some very reputable online services who provide realistic timescales but even so success depends upon the divorcing couple agreeing on everything and being reasonable about how they share any assets. At the end of the day, a judge has to rubber stamp your financial agreement part of the divorce and if they feel it is not ‘fair’, you’ll have to go back to the drawing board.
DIY in the court – which is where you represent yourself in court against your spouse. Self representing is called being a ‘litigant in person’ or LIP for short. Although you do not use a solicitor, there is nothing to stop you getting legal advice, paying the hourly rate for specific details that you don’t want to spend hours researching, or because you want to get some initial guidance. Or you can pay less and get that guidance from someone who supports LIP’s and knows where to find the relevant information.
Top tips from LIPservice for anyone wanting to (or financially needing to) self represent is to become aware of the Public Direct Access Scheme, through which you can hire your own barrister – rather like a hired gun – to represent you for specific areas of the court case. It is costly (can be at least £1,500 for one hearing) but if there are complex issues regarding child custody, your spouse threatening to go bankrupt, hiding of assets or just being too scared to be on your own fighting your corner, then it could be money well spent. Unfortunately, going to court is an expensive option which is why avoiding it wherever possible is a good idea.
Although solicitors can represent you in court, the cost will still be high and they are not specialized advocates. If you are going to get specialized help and pay all that money, make sure you get someone who has the experience and expertise to give you your money’s worth.
If you find yourself as an LIP up against your spouse’s barrister in court, and you feel it is a tad unfair that they can spend all that money on legal support while you can’t even get legal aid and have no funds available in the form of assets through which you can reasonably raise finance for a litigation loan, then despair not. To put you on a slightly more even footing in your ability to gain legal advice or pay for a barrister, you can apply for a cost allowance as there is a legal requirement that some kind of fairness needs to exist when it comes to the process of divorce. The one who holds the purse strings should not be the only one who can afford to pay for legal advice.
Shared stories by LIP’s: read them here…..
why should I do a DIY divorce?
September 28, 2011 by Suzy
Online divorce or – even cheaper – just going to get the paperwork from the courts and doing it all yourself – is the least expensive way to get a divorce, providing neither party is going to disagree with any aspect of the divorce. In other words, if you have no complicated assets – like pensions to split which is a very specialized area, or child access issues – then DIY is probably your best option.
The key advantages are that you don’t need to hire a specific lawyer or legal firm; there is no reason for the divorce to be held up as long as you both fill in the required paperwork; and providing your financial settlement is deemed fair by the judge who will have to rubber stamp the paperwork then the whole thing can be dealt with painlessly from a practical point of view.
Even if you need help deciding how to split pensions and equity in property etc, you can both make use of a financial planner or financial mediator who has the relevant experience to help you, which would be sensible. Someone mediation trained is likely to be able to support you through any tricky discussions and keep the process amicable. Most lawyers don’t have the specialized skills to sort out pension splitting so choose the support you get carefully, getting the right person to do the job they have trained for.
Self Representing
Self Representing or being a Litigant In Person (LIP) also saves you money by not employing a solicitor, and you still have the freedom to be in charge of your own case, although the fact that you are going to court means you are going to spend more money than if you had agreed on everything and stayed out of court.
Why become an LIP?
To save costs on solicitors fees;
Staying in control of the process – only you understand your case inside and out and potentially you are the best person to fight your own corner;
Because mediation was not an option;
You don’t qualify for legal aid;
You fancy a challenge.
But there are downsides to being an LIP.
A huge research job and complex case management, even if you have basic legal knowledge;
No-one will thank you for all your hard work – in fact you may feel bullied by your spouse’s lawyers and District Judges are reputed to dread LIP’s because of the amount of extra time they take up in court through not understanding legal process or having the correct information to hand in supporting documents.
A tip from LIPservice is to write to the District Judge prior to the court date and introduce yourself as an LIP, and say that you “may be at times relying on the court’s assistance”, which gives the court advance warning of your position.
Then having warned them that you are not supported by a solicitor or barrister in court, make sure you manage your case efficiently. Keep a spot-on trial bundle, 3 copies of everything, and sufficient Authorities (precedents or previous cases where the judge has found in favor in an identical case of what you are trying to get this judge to do) which you have fully researched and printed out in advance.
All this may seem very daunting – and it is – but you can get advice and support from online forums on Wikivorce or more directly from companies like LIPservice.
