From Frustration, Anger and Divorce to Authenticity, Love and Acceptance

Hi, I’m Andy Nicholson, relationship and authenticity coach and personal development trainer.

I’m living the life of my choosing, I have learned to love and accept myself, I have learned to love and accept others (although I’m not always as wonderful at this as I might like!! – I am still a work in progress).

It was not always like this…. Five years ago after redundancy and divorce, I was mainly angry and frustrated – I was not in control of my life or my emotions. I was stuck, disempowered.

Then I came to realise that I could become very empowered. I was in fact at a crossroads in my life. Before me was a blank sheet of paper, on which I could design the life that I wanted…

But what did I want? What was possible for me?

I did not know. All I knew was what I did not want. The truth is that I was proud of knowing what I did not want. I felt that it gave me direction, helped me to make choices. I even gave myself kudos for this strategy in life. In my 20s it seemed to work, I seemed to be happier than some of my peers who perhaps did know what they wanted (or thought that they did) and were angry, fearful or depressed for not achieving their desired outcomes. Some even looked up to me for doing what I did.

Then, in my 30s, after my entrepreneurial businesses had ‘failed’ I knuckled down into a career, got a mortgage, a pension, got married… I did all the ‘normal’ stuff. I felt that I did not have enough fun and took life too seriously – but I believed I ‘had’ to, I was conditioned to think like this – the good old protestant work ethic…. So I made attempts to be more fun, more outgoing, I even chose a wife who was very much a fun, party animal, extroverted, the life and soul, needed at least three expensive holidays per year…. She warned me against marrying her, as she felt that she may be too much (for me, for many men) – her statement “I’m a nightmare, don’t marry me” fell on deaf ears. I felt that I was a match for her concerns. Boy, was I deluding myself! Now don’t get me wrong, my ex-wife is a wonderful woman, we just had different expectations, a different pace, differing priorities, values and beliefs. The truth is that her life works for her. Mine was not working for me and in many ways, I unwittingly tried to use her to fix me.

So there I was, 39, uninspired by my job, divorced, directionless. At this point, I bumped into an old friend of mine. After listening to my tale of woe (I poured my heart out – dumped all my frustration onto him), he suggested that I go along to a monthly meeting. No, it was not religious, it was about personal development (PD). I’d actually come across a few ‘PD’ and self-help books in previous years, and whilst interesting and inspiring, like most people, once read, I just carried on as normal, deluding myself that I did not need to change me – I just needed the world to change and give me a break!

I enjoyed the personal development get-togethers. Some great speakers started to challenge my mind-set and my beliefs and gradually open me up to new possibilities. I also enjoyed being around people who were more positive. Of course, I believed that some of the speakers, who had achieved great things, had some special talents that I did not possess and could not possess, so I did not intend to try to emulate them. It was safer and easier that way.

Then, after 10 months of attending the PD meetings, two relationship coaches gave a talk that would cause me to change my life. I’d been separated for nearly a year. My divorce had come through, yet the feelings were still raw. I felt like the marriage had been a waste of time, effort and a lot of money. I had yet to be able to take anything positive from the experience, especially any learnings. I felt like I was likely to make the same mistakes all over again (and I was).

I had been going out on lots of dates, courtesy of match.com and Dating Direct. Initially, this was just to get me out of the marital house and have some fun – living under the same roof for 10 months whilst separated was not much fun. I quickly found that I was able to feel more like my old self when out flirting. Yet after a while, there I was again, seeking the answers and my happiness outside of me, from others – seeking recognition and affirmation.

The 2 ½ hour talk by the relationship coaches, who were married, blew me away. It challenged so many of my beliefs about relationships and challenged my very identity and behaviour as a man. I had to know more. I signed up for their four day retreat at their base in Austria. Three months later, I had the most enjoyable and eye-opening four days of my life. I loved their teachings, it all seemed to make so much sense and yet was so contrary to how I ran my life. I recognised for the first time that I possessed an awesome set of values, and a lousy set of beliefs. I was living my life according to my beliefs, out of alignment with my values – hence I was unfulfilled and frustrated.

While in Austria, I also started to recognise that only I could take responsibility for my life and achieving better outcomes and more happiness. No one could do it for me. It sounds obvious now, yet how many of us are kidding ourselves…? On the Sunday, over breakfast, whilst discussing the meaning of life… I had an epiphany! The work of the Retreat was completely in alignment with my values. I found the Retreat owners to be inspiring and I felt passionate about their purpose in life. I wanted to help them to help others like me. Plus, I had all these business, marketing and IT skills, which their ‘cottage industry’ could benefit from – I could help them to spread the word.

So to cut a long story short, 6 months later I moved to Austria, lived and worked at the retreat for 20 months, and almost by osmosis (and by attending over 30 days of training that they offered), my outlook on life transformed. While in Austria, I still liked female attention. I dated a couple of girls and flirted with a couple of others. While I was gradually awakening to myself, I was still in some denial. I was denying my potential. Although I felt that I now had my ideal vocation, I still would not face up to what I wanted in an ideal relationship. I underestimated and under-valued myself.

After 12 months in Austria, I decided that it was time to stop playing games. It was time to claim what was rightfully mine – the life of my dreams, a life and a journey that I wanted to share with my soul-mate (whoever she was). My role in Austria was not stretching me enough and I did not feel that the opportunity to grow at the same pace would remain open to me. I also put out my intention to meet my soul-mate and I trusted that I would find her when the time was right. This was in April 2007.

Around the same time that I went to Austria, I enrolled to train in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), a branch of psychology and personal development that is based around how the brain works and how we think and behave. NLP introduced me to the concept that we all a have wildly different values and beliefs. Along with our innate talents and learned skills, this is what makes us unique – who we are and how we behave.

Andy’s Values
2006	2008
Love Happiness Integrity Connection Growth Health Humour Passion Affection Creativity Family Freedom Abundance	Happiness Pleasure Zest for life Balance Connection Health Purpose Freedom Direction Contribution Congruence Growth Creativity

Having identified my values, I started to want to be more congruent with them and to act with integrity. This lead to two things: firstly, a desire to go back to the UK in order to create my life how I wanted it, living my purpose rather than supporting someone else’s and secondly the desire to find my soul-mate.

You can see in the table opposite how my values changed over two years. I discovered more purpose, energy and enthusiasm, placed myself my purpose and my freedom above the need to please others and seek approval. This shift in values reflected what I had learned from my mentors in Austria about ‘turning up my masculinity dial’.

Being a kind, empathetic and supportive person, I’ve never had too much trouble getting in touch with my feminine side. We all have masculine and feminine aspects to our character. Many would say that to be a balanced and whole person we have to embrace and integrate both these energies, i.e. the yin and yang.

At the end of a 10 day relationship coaching training course in Austria with 12 other people, we were each rated (by the group) on our behaviour and how we outwardly expressed ourselves in terms of masculine vs. feminine energy. This was a fascinating and nerve wracking experience!! My score came out as 59 masculine and 44 feminine. Both scores are out of 100, the theory being that we will typically spend 70-80% of our time displaying the core energy of our gender, i.e. I would typically be 70-80% in my masculine and 20-30% in my feminine. As I said, a fascinating and not un-controversial subject! Again, to cut a long story short, I reckon my energy is now more like 75-80% masculine and 30-35% feminine. This shift has definitely helped me to become more authentically myself.

This is another great example of how I have transformed my experience of life. From all of my study and learnings, I have created what I call my model of Authentic Transformation. This is not a process of re-inventing yourself, or swapping one false self, for a slightly better false self. This process of true personal and spiritual (with a small ‘s’) development is about identifying who you really are and learning the tools that allow you to be authentically you, in all situations and roles. Whilst what I learned and how I turned up my masculinity certainly helped me a lot as a single man, when it came to putting this into practise within relationships, it was not without major challenges…

Towards the end of my stay in Austria, in July 2007, I received an e-mail from one of the dating sites that I had been on a few months earlier. A lady in America had read my profile and sent me an email. I’d not been on the site for several months and my membership had lapsed. I had no desire to start a transatlantic relationship. Whilst online, I looked at who else was also online – there were only a handful of people. I immediately resonated with one of the profiles, a lady from the Highlands of Scotland. We connected and clicked straight away. I happened to be back in the UK the very next week, for the first time in a year. I cheekily invited her to fly down and meet me. She did, and the rest is history… I’d been looking for my soul-mate and I’d found her. Six months later, I moved back to the UK and Diane left her life in Scotland to come and live and work together with me. We had only spent three weeks together in those six months. The fact that we had both done a lot of work on ourselves, and were able to be ourselves without any egos, masks game playing, without the need to try to impress, made all the difference. Our story is featured in other articles.

By loving ourselves 10 out of 10, we were able to accept ourselves and speak our truth to each other without any neediness and falseness. Some people may thing that loving yourself at a ‘10’ is arrogant, egotistical, selfish or even narcissistic! It is not. In fact it is the most self-less thing that you can do. For when you are full of love, you only have love to give others – you lose the need to blame, criticise, judge, hate…

Now it may seem like I am painting a very idyllic picture and everything has been plain sailing. That is definitely not the case. Intimate relationships are one of life’s most challenging things. Not only do you have to master your own behaviour, you have to learn to do so in close proximity to another, very different being. Diane and I are very different. We seemed to accept each other in principle, there were still aspects of each other’s behaviour that we each found challenging. Whilst we share many values, beliefs and our purpose in life, our personality styles are very different. This caused us some challenges, especially living and working together 24/7. Throughout, we have remained convinced that we are soul-mates or ‘twin flames’ and we have experienced amazing connection, synergy and love. We have had to learn new tools and insights to enable our love to flourish and achieve its true potential.

Ten months into our relationship we enrolled on a training course about the Enneagram personality ‘typing’ system. I had been aware of a variety of such systems; whilst interesting, they all seemed rather complex, confusing and hardly earth-shattering. The Enneagram was different, it dealt with the whole person, you could really identify with it. For us, it was like the missing piece of the jigsaw. It finally explained why Di and I were so different and it allowed us to understand, accept and embrace those differences. We now use the Enneagram with many of our clients.

The other missing piece of the jigsaw for most people is their fears, underpinned by limiting beliefs. Whilst working in the PD industry, I noticed ‘pareto’ at work; only 20% of people seemed to take what they had been taught and use it to transform their lives and achieve the results that they wanted. They other 80% did not – they unwittingly seemed to treat the process as an intellectual exercise, ticking boxes, perhaps becoming ‘course junkies’. When I met Diane, she was Susan Jeffers first and only ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ tutor. I now teach this incredible workshop, based on the best selling book, with Di. It is the most powerful agent of change. It is also the first step that most people need to take in their journey; a step once taken that enables anyone to play full out in all aspects of life, taking and applying the most from any other training that they do.

With these tools and experiences, we believe that we have created a framework that can enable anyone to turn their lives around, overcoming fear, limiting beliefs and unhelpful models of the world; connecting with their values, personality style, emotionality, purpose, personal responsibility and accountability. It is an holistic approach – one that can deliver both immediate benefits and a transformation that takes months rather than years and hundreds rather than thousands of £s.

So in summary, growing up and learning to take responsibility for your life is a process of:

SELF AWARENESS to SELF-ACCEPTANCE to SELF-ACTUALISATION

Self-actualisation is a term used by the famous psychologist Abraham Maslow, who created the wonderful model ‘the hierarchy of human needs’ – this is another powerful tool of self-discovery that we use. For me, self-actualisation means being the best that I can be. During this process of authentic transformation, you also learn to accept and value others and their differences. This journey can also be thought of as evolving from:

DEPENDENCE to INDEPENENCE to INTER-DEPENDENCE

When life goes according to plan, most of us learn to move successfully from dependence to independence. When life gets hard, we may become fiercely independent, not letting others in, or we may relapse back into co-dependency seemingly unable or unwilling to take responsibility for ourselves. Inter-dependence is being able to accept, cooperate and collaborate with others, learning to give unconditionally and also to be able to ask for help and to willingly receive.

Some of the key learnings from my own journey include:

• I am way more than my fears, beliefs and alter-ego
• No one else can do it for me; they can help me to see more clearly and find ‘my way’
• The answers are not outside of me
• The answer is not to seek an intimate relationship to fill me up or fill the gaps in my life
• Be open to new learnings, new perspectives and to challenge my beliefs – constantly
• To become free of ego, opinion and judgement
• To accept and embrace that we are all different
• Real love is free of fear
• Unhelpful behaviour and unresourceful emotions are largely habitual
• More empowering behaviour and emotions can be learned
• We are all innately good inside. We all have a ‘higher self’

Much has been written in recent years about the importance of ‘emotional intelligence’, yet there is little practical help out there to achieve it. Everything that Di and I have learned and developed in our coaching and training business is about helping people to become emotionally intelligence, to be able to live and love with others in inter-dependence, and to live the self-actualised life of your dreams.

We are giving at talk at the ‘Starting Over Show’ in London on Sunday March 7^th and Brighton on 28th March 2010, where we will also have a stand. Do come and see us.

Andy & Di x www.executive-relationship-coaching.co.uk www.dimacdowall-lifecoaching.co.uk

‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ is a registered trademark of Susan Jeffers, PhD and is being used with her express permission.

Copyright © Andrew Nicholson 2010

Francine Kaye – Channel 5′s relationship coach

TV’s Relationship Coach, Francine Kaye is set to deliver one of the most popular workshops at The Dateline Platinum-sponsored Starting Over Show in Brighton, in the SPICE London workshop room.

‘Ex-Communication’ is designed specifically to let people know “How to speak so your ex will listen, and listen so your ex will speak”.

Francine features regularly on GMTV, The Wright Stuff and on national radio as well as making the front page for  Woman and Home, Red and the national press, giving expert advice on divorce and relationships. Francine is a huge supporter of the Starting Over Show.

As one of the most experienced relationship coaches in the UK, Francine is the relationship expert for the Channel 5 programme The Wright Stuff appears on The Trisha show, GMTV and is featured in and writes for national magazines, the press and is a guest on national radio. She is invited for her expertise on CNN, Nick Ferrari, Vanessa Feltz, Jumoke Fashola, Paul Ross, Lowrie Turner, Jeremy Vine and many others. Francine is also the author of Time to Live published by Hodder and is an expert workshop leader and trainer. Her experience as a Counsellor, Relationship Coach, Parent Effectiveness Trainer, and Family Mediator qualifies her to help men and women find and sustain fulfilling relationships, help couples rebuild and redesign rocky relationships and in cases where divorce is the only prognosis, she gives her clients the skills and strategies to do what it takes to divorce with dignity and heal their hearts and their lives. Francine’s new book The Divorce Doctor published by Hay House in May 2009 is available at Waterstones and on Amazon.

Divorced 14 years ago with two small children, Francine has experienced the challenges of an uncertain future as single parent. She has overcome financial adversity and in the past 14 years has transformed her life to become one of the UK’s most successful relationship coaches. Francine says “As a direct result of accepting my new life instead of resisting it, I have regained my identity, healed my heart and emerged positively in every area of my life. My work is about showing my clients how to do the same”.

Francine will be doing a free workshop sponsored by SPICE London, for visitors to SOS – make sure you put your name down on arrival at the SPICE London space at the show, or even better, reserve your place now and call Spice on 01784 497070.

Francine is also offering a limited number of 1-1 sessions at no charge  in the Dateline Platinum surgery.  You need to book direct with Dateline Platinum - see their relationship surgery page here…….

Financial advice from BNH

Straight Thinking: NLP & hypnotherapy

Win a year’s Spice membership and other prizes!

We are happy to offer one winner at each of the two SOS shows a free 12 months Spice London membership (worth £144 each)

One free place on my singles workshop (worth £75)

Copy of  “Running to Learn: The highs and lows of an international running career” by coach, therapist and author Julia Armstrong

More about the prizes……

SPICE London Activity adventure and social club Spice London is an adventure, activities, sports and social group with over 2,000 members in the London and South East region.

As part of the UK’s largest adventure, activities and social group, the club is a great way to meet people, make friends and to do that ‘thing’ you always wanted to do.  The perfect antidote to everyone’s busy and stressful lives, Spice offers a ‘one stop shop’ for a wide range of adventure, leisure and social activities. Spice brings together a community of sociable and motivated people with a sense of camaraderie and friendship you can’t put a price on.

Events include: Meals Out, Parties, Workshops, Adventure Activities, Walks, Weekends away, Holidays, and social occasions to fill your diary all professionally arranged for you.

If you are looking to ‘start over’ then Spice London could be just what you’re looking for.  Visit www.spicelondon.co.uk find out more and make 2010 Your Year!

Gina Hardy: Conscious Union Relationship education, yoga teaching and healing

I  am relationship educator in the Brighton & Hove area and have a huge passion and mission to help heal the big mis-understandings that exist in today’s love relationships. I am not a counsellor or psychologist, but  would say an expert in the experiential field of relationships.

I work with you to help you see the deeper aspects of what drives you to do what you do in love and help  change what needs to be changed. I will take all of your experiences blended with the soothing balm of education and help you first of all discover who you really are and what makes you happy and then to help you move out of reaction into action and educate you in the art of creating your very own conscious and healthy relationships.

Gina’s web site www.consciousunion.co.uk

Julia Armstrong: Coach, therapist and author

Running to Learn tells the compelling story of Julia, an international marathon runner – her struggle to reach peak performance, her battle with an eating disorder and the challenges of her personal relationships.

Read more about the book and it’s author here……

How do I win one of these excellent prizes?

Just make sure you fill in the competition form at reception at the SOS events, or buy your SOS tickets online (and automatically be added into the competition) at the discounted rate of £3 right here…….

New for 2010 Social Events from Dateline Platinum

Why not join us at the Starting Over Show ball at the SOS Ball Saturday 27th March at the Holiday Inn Horley Surrey.   Please visit http://www.datelineevents.co.uk/ to book your ticket now.

And you can also win a holiday to Turkey (see below)

Dateline Platinum is delighted to be the key sponsor of The Starting Over Show, the first UK event to help people bounce back from relationship break ups and life crises.

Dateline Platinum is a unique dating service bringing together the best of online dating with the security and personal touch of a traditional introduction agency. Our consultants visit every member in their home to check identification and ensure genuine, accurate profiles. Our experienced team are on hand to offer help and advice. Members can use the secure members only website or phone our dating team to search and meet introductions in their area.

We are delighted to introduce a new programme of exciting social events for single people in 2010. Launching in March we will run speed dating, dinner dances, social events and balls across the country.

Why not join us at our at the Starting Over Show Ball Saturday 27th March at the Holiday Inn Horley Surrey.   Please visit http://www.datelineevents.co.uk/ to book your ticket now.

Join Dateline Platinum now – benefit from events membership

If you join Dateline Platinum you will benefit from membership of Dateline Events, giving you the opportunity to meet more like-minded single people in a friendly and fun environment.

For special offer Membership for SOS attendee’s and followers please visit www.datelineplatinum.com to register you details and to find out more about what Dateline Platinum can do for you!

We look forward to meeting you at the Starting Over Show.

Best regards

Eddy Ankrett

Chairman

See our Dateline Platinum video here……

Win a free holiday to Turkey!

Solo’s Holidays – Serving the single traveller since 1982

Dateline Platinum, key sponsors of the Starting Over Show have teamed up with Solos Holidays to offer a fantastic prize to one visitor to the show.

Simply visit the Dateline Platinum stand to take part in a fun survey for your chance to enjoy a fantastic week’s holiday to Turkey, including flights and transfers, a twin or double room, welcome drinks and daily breakfast as well as two dinners during the week.
Your chance to Start Over in style!

Nobody understands the needs of the single traveller more than we do, which is why you have made us the UK’s number 1. Established in 1982, ours is a name our customers trust and which brings them back to us, time after time.

We have 28 years experience in arranging group holidays exclusively for single travellers, from UK breaks, Europe and beyond. Whether you are interested in a relaxing break in the sun, a cultural sightseeing trip or an action packed activity holiday, we offer something for everyone.

The beauty of Solo’s is that you are holidaying as part of a group of sociable individuals who share a passion for travel and perhaps even a hobby or a sport.  All our holidays have no single supplements and dedicated Tour Leaders.

www.solos.co.uk
0843 357 1142

Find out more about our prize here…..

Please note that the prize is available on the following dates only:
6th May, 13th May, 20th May 27 May 07 Oct, 14 Oct, 21 Oct

Terms and conditions for offer:
To be eligible for this prize you must have answered the question correctly. Only one entry per person.  Closing date for the competition is 27th March 2010. The draw will be made during the first week of April 2010. There is one prize to be won. The winner will be drawn independently and at random from all valid entries received and will be notified by email or telephone within 72 hours of the actual draw date. No alternative prize is available and the prize is not transferable. The prize is subject to availability and on selected departure dates in 2010. Solo’s Holidays reserves the right to withdraw the prize if the group departure is cancelled and no alternative can be found.

Designing a Fresh Start

Jeanette Mercer, Design Consultant for Fresh Traditions, explains why those of us starting over should take a look at our home surroundings, and also allow our children to get involved in our home makeover and provide a little something they can help decide, in a situation where there’s so little they control.

I once heard a tip about clothes for work: dress for the job you’d like to have. I believe we should apply this to our homes as well – we should dress our homes for the lifestyle we would like to lead.

For those who’ve been through the trauma of a relationship break-up, worrying about the colour of the living room wall may not seem like a high priority. But colours, furnishings and the objects we surround ourselves with have a profound impact on our mood and sense of wellbeing.

In happy times, even the most untidy or uncoordinated home can have many pleasurable associations – the china that reminds you of your wedding day, the photos of happy family holidays, the print you found together in that little art gallery…

But what if all your bedroom says is that you’re sleeping alone now, or the living room was the scene of the last big fight? Did the ex-partner take furniture that’s left gaps you haven’t filled, or are you the one in a new place that feels nothing like home?

Even if we think we’re not taking any notice of our surroundings, our senses are sending sub-conscious messages to our brain. This is why making changes to those surroundings could help in starting over. It doesn’t have to involve a lot of money – it’s amazing the effect a bold cheerful colour can have on your mood. Or how luxurious a few new fluffy towels or crisp, fresh bed linen can feel.

For children caught up in a divorce, a bedroom makeover obviously won’t make everything alright. But it might help them settle into a new environment, or be a little something they help decide, in a situation where there’s so little they control.

All of us deserve a place we can retreat to, feel secure in, and when we’re ready, entertain in. That’s why Fresh Traditions will be at the Brighton SOS show offering advice on creating a home for the life you want to lead.

Jeanette Mercer, Design Consultant for Fresh Traditions

Bernay Laity Colour Psychologist

Bernay Laity: in:colour Colour psychologist and image consultant

Growing up with a Dad who was a gardener and keen outdoors enthusiast gave me a great appreciation of the natural world and I became fascinated with the changes in shapes, colours and textures of nature as each season passed from one to the next. But my work as interior designer really cemented my passion for colour as I began to notice that it could have a profound effect on a person’s wellbeing. I became curious about why clients picked the colours that they did and noticed that they seemed also to pick colours that reflected their personality.

While most of us understand that softer colours can be relaxing, and that bold, vibrant colours energising, I couldn’t help thinking that there was more to it than that. Studying and working with renowned colour psychologist Angela Wright enabled me to understand further the power of colour on one’s own well-being, as well as in the environment where the effects from projects we had worked on were astounding.

Colour evokes in us memories, feelings and emotions. In the natural world colour essentially serves as a signalling system. We have evolved to recognise what something is by its colour; is it safe to approach, to touch or even to eat? In the animal kingdom the different colours of fur feathers or skin will express who is male or female, who is dangerous or angry, who is trying to hide and even who is looking for a mate! And as in the animal kingdom, we too choose colours to dress ourselves with on a daily basis that express how we are feeling although largely this happens subconsciously.

However in our own world where uncertainty and emotional fall-out can accompany periods of change and in a culture where youth and beauty are often prized above wisdom and experience, we can appear susceptible to the belief that how we look can be a measure of our success or social acceptance. A fair proportion of the clients I work with feel that they are unsure about what suits them. They may find clothes shopping both uncomfortable and confusing; we are offered so much choice.

The colours that you wear have a profound effect on how you feel and how others respond to you. But a colour psychology consultation is so much more than just how you look; it offers a very gentle yet powerful tool for self-acceptance by revealing through the medium of colour unique insights in to one’s own personality. The visual impact of seeing yourself surrounded by colours that harmonise and appear to blend as if they were a natural part of or extension to you can help to unlock the true potential of your appearance and also your wellbeing. You’ll appear more co-ordinated and feel more comfortable in your own skin. Each individual colour has a different effect, gives a different message and we show you how to harness that power for yourself.

Many of our clients report a renewed feeling of confidence following their consultation. Former client Anna decided to come for a personal colour analysis session as well as seeking advice on colours for her business communications. She felt that as a personal coach she therefore was the ‘product’ that her company sells and so felt that the colours she was going to use needed to be congruent with her business message as well as herself. Anna had this to say after her consultation

“I could feel something click into place. I felt somehow more justified to be who I am, and make no excuses for it. I started to wear the colours recommended to me, and feel that I look better and somehow lighter”.

And it’s not just for the girls – many guys benefit from understanding how colour can work for them too! Mark has this to say about his colour psychology consultation and experience of using colour to affect how he felt and how others responded to him.

“I found the consultation very enlightening. Not only have I been shopping, I have actually tried my `pink approachable’ shirt out.

I went out with my friend into town. Instead of my normal black shirt, I wore my new pink one. The result was that unlike normal, women approached me all night, just as Bernay had said!

Up until my consultation my wardrobe consisted of mainly black and white but I now use my colour palette all the time; not only for approachability, my wardrobe now consists of a variety of colours, blues, browns, violet, yellow ………and pink! It’s true: there are colours to help you relax and some to perk you up, some to feel more confident and some to make you blend in. I know, I’ve tried them all.

This has been a life changing experience for me as I said I would never wear PINK!!!”

So when you are ready to shake your tail feathers again which signals will you want to be giving? Will you want to present yourself as confident, warm and engaging or perhaps reliable, trustworthy and caring? Which colours would you wear to make you feel more confident, relaxed or energised or even attract a partner?

Hear Bernay being interviewed about the value of her work to those of us who are starting over……

“Our aim is to help you work consciously with colour to improve your well-being and communicate the right messages to the world.”

A little more about Bernay……

Bernay originally trained as an interior designer and built up several years’ experience as a freelance design consultant undertaking commissions from residential and commercial clients before her personal interest in the effects of colour led her to study the subject of colour psychology with colour psychologist Angela Wright. Bernay then went on to study colour specification at the NCS Colour Centre UK and has worked on projects specifying colour to enhance interior environments for clients including the Surrey Probation Service, the Rainbow Trust, the National Autistic Society, Surrey County Council and also several school environments.

Bernay founded in:colour colour and design consultancy in 2004 offering colour psychology consultancy for interior design, business communications, electronic, print and product design and colour for personal use. She has developed training courses and workshops in colour psychology for professional designers, marketers, personal colourists and stylists on the understanding and use of colour psychology and its applications.

As an experienced speaker on the subject of colour psychology in the U.K. and abroad, Bernay also gives talks and leads seminars for many business groups and private clients. Bernay has appeared on BBC radio, has been a guest for UKTV Style’s interior decorating programme Real Rooms and also writes and contributes to articles on colour for newspapers and leading magazines.

Come and meet Bernay at the Starting Over Show in London Sunday 7 March 2009

See Bernay in action at the 2009 Starting Over Show:

www.incolourconsultancy.com
Tel: 44 (0) 1483 414316

Dateline Platinum

Dateline Platinum are a key sponsor for the 2010 Starting Over Shows

Dateline Platinum provides an exclusive dating and introductions service operating both online and offline for those serious about meeting genuine, like-minded people.

With over 40 years of experience in the dating industry, we have brought many thousands of people together. We recognise that searching for your perfect partner is a special, personal and intimate process, and one that can seem rather daunting at times, The Dateline Platinum Difference means our friendly, fully trained and experienced consultants are here to help.

What makes us different?

• Every member is interviewed and vetted
• Accurate, professionally written profiles
• Members choose the members they would like to meet, and enjoy unlimited introductions
• Receive matches online or by post
• A confidential and discreet service
• Secure members only website with photo profiles
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We have provided members with quality, security and choice since 1967.

Join us at our Starting Over Show Balls the Saturday nights preceeding both SOS events……..

Win a holiday to Turkey……

See our video here…..

For special offer Membership for SOS attendee’s and followers please visit www.datelineplatinum.com to register you details and to find out more about what Dateline Platinum can do for you!

Media contact via VHPR Ltd

Victoria Hedley

T: 01789 488999

M: 0796 775 1219

E: victoria@vhpr.co.uk

Julia Armstrong

Julia Armstrong

Pioneering coach, mentor, therapist – and international athlete

“Julia and her work are unique.  She has a special gift in understanding exactly where you are, where you would like to be, and guiding you to a place where you can truly trust your inner self.” (Angela Dawes, co-founder, Micromuse Inc)

“My own lessons have been hard learned! As an eight year old child I dreamed with my best friend Wendy of who we would marry, the babies we would have, the dogs and cats and chickens and goats too (I seem to remember!) in the yard. I also dreamed of running for England, running in the Olympic games. I dreamed too of being a publisher – a writer – involved with books all day long. I dreamt a lot!
I am 50 next year and in a way all my visions are in place – apart from the babies, although I have many Godchildren and nephews and nieces, so in some ways the babies are there too! But paradoxically the thing I am best at is helping others to find their true expression – to have a great relationship with themselves and so in turn with other people. My biggest skill is in helping others love themselves and start over and begin again and learn to create a preferred future that really does support the life they want to lead, to learn how to really listen to their true inner voice.”

Read more of Julia’s own personal story here:

Julia – relationship work

What is this thing we call relationship? Everyone would like to be able to engage and connect authentically with those around us. It is separation and disconnection that causes pain, and a lack of understanding that causes conflict, breakdown of communication and, potentially, a loss of love.

Working with relationship is the foundation of all Julia’s work. The starting point towards more deeply satisfying relationships with others is your relationship with yourself, and Julia can help improve this by working with you to develop an understanding of how you respond, why you think and behave as you do, and where you first got the ideas and beliefs that you live your life by.

Julia’s work incorporates, amongst other techniques, ideas inspired by the Imago model of relationship therapy, which is based on the idea that you unconsciously choose a partner with similar positive and negative traits to those who cared for you as a child, in the belief that this partner can help you heal unresolved pain from childhood. So many of us carry the pain of childhood and past relationships with us and so our scars are always ready to be activated by new situations, which in truth may be completely unrelated to where we are now.

If we understand this then an intimate relationship can become an area of growth as we uncover and heal old wounds and areas of pain. We have to know that another can reflect these pains but they cannot heal them for us, and that this is where conflict in any kind of relationship often originates. Key to working with Julia is promoting an awareness of this in both of you, helping you become able to support one another in the healing and growth process, and working to replace criticism, demands and disappointment with understanding and support.

Julia’s relationship work entails sessions with individuals or couples, or a mixture of the two, with the aim of guiding you towards more creative and positive relating. Whether you are in a new relationship and looking to ensure you create a healthy and happy partnership, or have been together for some time and are feeling stuck and in need of guidance, Julia will coach and support you as you take the steps to create a preferred future.

“Julia has helped us to build a positive relationship from the beginning and to make our communication positive and constructive. She introduced us at an early stage to the idea of the conscious relationship. That has been important in our understanding of how our individual pasts influence the way we relate to each other in the present. Julia has been there at each stage, guiding our efforts to develop the relationship we want to have.”
SW & NA, Eastbourne

Listen to Julia being interviewed here…..

For podcast interviews click here:
Julia regularly interviews and publishes audio podcasts of the fascinating people she talks to

Julia’s newsletter: click here to subscribe:
Full of valuable advice and good practice for living a life true to yourself

“Julia is a remarkable person so it’s no surprise that this is a remarkable book: vivid, intimate and wise, with the power to inspire that can only come from deep personal experience.”  (Andrew Shields, Sport and Health Editor, Time Out London)

Running to Learn – Julia’s book: Take a look….

Running to Learn tells the compelling story of an international running career in which each step has led both round in circles and towards healing and awareness.

Through the many highs and lows of her life Julia discovered the skills necessary to perform at top level throughout times of difficulty as well as triumph, both on and off the track. Here, Julia shares the journey behind her unique and dynamic approach to life – the struggles behind the performances, her battle with an eating disorder, and the challenges of her personal relationships. Running to Learn shows how you can direct each of your own steps towards taking control of your life and moving towards a place where it’s perfectly okay to be you.

Does your business need some coaching too?

Ultra

Inspired by her experiences with ultrarunning, Julia has developed Ultra, a performance programme for individuals and groups in business. In a time in which uncertainty in the global markets filters down through organisations and into personal lives, Ultra offers a total lifestyle approach to achieving sustainable performance in every aspect of life and business.

The key to success in ultrarunning lies in finding what it takes to keep going, adjusting effort and approach to situations as you find them, and holding a long-term perspective on the wider impact that each step of the way has on the race as a whole.

Using athletics as a metaphor for performance in the workplace is certainly not a new idea, but Ultra is unique in that it highlights the importance of heightened mind and body awareness in achieving Ultra levels of performance, and the moment by moment skills associated with excellence that are equally vital to success in business and in life.

The aim of the Ultra programme is to instil peak performance at the very core of your organisation, both on an individual and organisational level. Focus is placed on an awareness of the physical and emotional core in the individuals who collectively make up the heart of your organisation, and close attention is paid to the relationships and connections that are vital to the day-to-day running of your business.

Individuals who take part in the programme will be given the tools to make performance a key part of a total lifestyle: success in the workplace will reflect at a personal level, and vice versa. The programme promotes authenticity, clarity, energy and integrity at all levels, leading to sustainable performance and an ability to react quickly and with confidence to whatever challenges present themselves, from a personal problem to a global crisis.

Using our experience in coaching teams and individuals, as well as the latest research in psychology and physiology, we work with you to find ways of attaining sustainable peak performance throughout the organisation.

The development programme we create together will depend entirely on the needs of your organisation and the individuals within it.

In Brief
* The work is designed to explore the capabilities of individuals, the culture of the organisation itself and the day-by-day interactional patterns within working practice.
* We develop an awareness of how to increase and sustain performance by looking at the individual as a whole, and the organisation as a complete entity, impacting on and benefiting from the performance of the individuals within it.
* Our aim is to align personal vision with corporate intentions and create sustainability, whatever the circumstances.
* We create a development programme with the client using an appreciation of what is already working as a starting point.
* The work is designed to be measurable, and diagnostics allow progress to be tracked.
* A physical programme can be designed to run alongside the development coaching, and we strongly encourage this.

Julia was one of our exhibitors at the Starting Over Show in March 2009 and contributed to a very powerful mix of information and inspiration that took the media by storm.  See our short film of the day here:

Julia Armstrong

www.juliaarmstrong.com