4 questions often asked by divorcing parents but rarely said out loud:

How will I deal with the guilt when I look at my kids and feel that I’ve let them down?

Time.  Focus on the positive outcomes you want to achieve, and let your learning be their learning.

How will I survive financially and what will I do when the kids leave home, my career has been obliterated by the restraints of parenting, and I have no financial resources left?

Be creative.  Lot’s of full-time workers have lost half their pensions due to the financial crises of the last few years, so financial security is a myth.  Many single parents begin new and successful businesses from home, even with young kids.  Make a plan and follow your heart.

Will my kids make the same mistakes and end up getting divorced too?

It’s none of your business what they choose to do with their lives.  Just be there for them.  Romantic relationships are part of the journey of life, not its destination.

How will I ever feel that we are a happy family again, a whole and complete family?

You’ll find a way.  I got photos taken by a professional photographer and saw how happy we looked.  I realised that we were as much a ‘family’ with only one adult in the picture, as any other family.

Suzy Miller
Creator & Producer: Starting Over Show
07525 059 634

Starting Over Show
www.startingovershow.co.uk

the slow death

I understand now how fighting and bitter fury
can provide such a warm cloak
a haven
from the tepid drawn out agony
of the slow death

The silent sickening wave through the diaphragm
that sticks in the throat
and lingers pathetically
deep down into the stomach refusing to budge

Memory flashes
the knowledge
that this present bereavement of another love lost without rhyme or reason
is the aftershock of that other heart
ripped to shreds years before

An echo
that refuses to quite extinguish.
Forever.

Rage-on, the violent protests and vanquish all integrity
and moderation. It is comforting to feel anger, and to hate.
Or there is this other way which I call love

Love will prevail any storm
and turn a broken heart into one that can receive love once more

But first the long slow death
must furrow through my soul
And I wonder what debris will remain
to call ‘me’, and all that may be left to glow
in the ashes
is love itself

The kids rewrite the Ten Commandments

ONE: ‘Put me first – make me the incentive to break up right. Please don’t fight.‘

TWO: ‘Don’t think new partners buying presents and chocolate will make them take the place of my real mum/dad. Kids don’t worship false idols.’

THREE:  ‘You shall not take the name of each other in vain. Remember the day you said ‘I love you’ and know that love lasts forever, even if the relationship doesn’t. And if your love has gone, good manners will do.‘

FOUR: ‘Remember our day of rest, and which parent we spend it with, should include us in the decision making process.’

FIVE:  ‘Honor both father and mother – treat each other with at least the same level of respect you would give to a complete stranger.‘

SIX:  ‘Your old relationship may be dead, but don’t kill the new one – you need a working relationship with your co-parent whether you like it or not.‘

SEVEN:  ‘When you take a new partner, keep us kids informed through the process – don’t just say “here’s your new dad/mum, the last one’s in the bin”.‘

EIGHT:  ‘You shall not steal my childhood. Be honest with me – but that doesn’t mean you can dump all your emotional baggage on me either.‘

NINE:  ‘You shall not bear false witness or lie – but neither can you slag off our mother or father even ‘out of earshot’ – we kids hear everything.’

TEN:  ‘Appreciate what you have with us and don’t compare it to what others have – but now that I have two homes instead of one, that also means double the presents, shopping trips and holidays. OK?’

Why I’m putting on the Starting Over Shows

Suzy Miller (center) with ex partner and his wife (2009)

My partner ended our 10 year relationship in 2003.  Our three children were aged 6, 4 and 1 at the time, and it was the most painful and traumatic  experience of my life.  However, as the years passed, I soon became grateful that my ex had the courage to end a relationship that was not truly feeding either of us and we now have a healthy respect for each other.

It was tough getting to where I am now, and on the way I learned that accessing the right information, support and help both legally, financially and emotionally was essential.  My ex partner is a supportive co-parent, living in the same village, sharing the same values and sometimes it amazes me how we got to be in such a good place despite some very difficult times getting here.

It takes courage and vision and a determination to believe in a positive future when life seems nothing but a struggle, but the joy of children is that they provide a massive incentive to make that extra effort.  It is not a journey anyone needs to make alone.  There are skilled people who can help with all aspects of Starting Over who are there to be accessed via the www.startingovershow.co.uk website.

Information and Inspiration are what helped me move forward in my life.  I want to make those resources available to other people through the Starting Over Shows, and through the SOS Village resource hub.

I am now bringing the concept of SOS down to a local level.  The SOS road shows will provide a holistic approach to divorce and break up, taking place in towns throughout the UK on Thursday evenings.

As you can see, Starting Over Show is more than just an ‘exhibition’ – it’s a new way of thinking.

Suzy Miller

Creator of Starting Over Show

single mum vs entrepreneur

Funnily enough – although I run an online directory of vetted professionals (www.certainshops.com), am creating the first UK resource site to signpost people through life changing experiences (about to be launched) and created the first UK divorce fairs – I have never written about the experience of combining single motherhood with business. And I’ve written about a lot, as you will see from many blog entries within www.startingovershow.co.uk.

My experience of being a single mum, who is also a businesswoman, has been that the excuse “I can’t do that, because I have kids” is much used by women with children, husbands, regular incomes – but being a single mother with 3 young children, I realised early on in my single motherhood, that I take enormous entrepreneurial risks, create meaningful businesses that may or may not make me self sufficient financially, and follow my vision, BECAUSE of my children.

If ever there was a reason to follow your soul, be true to yourself, and lead by example safe in the knowledge that children don’t see ‘failure’ the same way our adult peers do – it has been as a single mother. In a secure safe family environment with another adult to fully rely on, I would never have discovered and explored my love of creating a new business, or risked everything more than once to create businesses that I believe in. If everything went pear-shaped, the kids are still happy as long as I’m happy. But I would not want to put my husband’s or partner’s financial future at risk because of my entrepreneurial disposition.

To do so would seem very irresponsible to most people, and I can understand why – but creating businesses is a passion, not a logical, sensible pastime. Running them takes logical sensible people – but creating anything involves courage and focus. These qualities can come into being from going through emotionally challenging, frightening experiences – like finding yourself alone with three children, the house being sold underneath you, with no legal rights because you stupidly didn’t sign any legal contract (and common law marriage does not exist).  The worst things that happen, can become the best things ever to have happened.

My businesses and my children are both equally at the center of my lives. My youngest (8) often asks when I’m going to stop giving all my money to the business and get a ‘proper job’. I answer that I will review the situation at regular intervals. My children are realists and I listen to their wisdom, but they have learned and understand none the less that single mums do not treat business as a part time hobby – it’s too tough for that when your whole financial future is at stake, and you are alone.

For us, business is an expression of who we are, who we aspire to be, and what we can create for others beyond the realm of our family life.

The Mermaid’s song

The Ogre lived alone on the top of the mountain and it seemed always to have been that way. He would go out drinking with his mates and play cards and pinch the bottoms of tired waitresses too numb from boredom to complain, and as far as ogre’s go, he seemed pretty happy.

But one night the Ogre fell asleep by the deep green sea, full of wine and fried food and snored so loudly that he awoke a Mermaid who was trying to catch up on her beauty sleep. The Mermaid thrust her head above the waves and glared at the snoring Ogre, swishing her tail behind her like an irritated cat. Even in the soft glow of the moonlight her beauty could be seen to have faded, as the years of salt water and sharp sand had etched her features deeper and her limpid eyes had a far-away look that could have been mistaken for sadness.

The Ogre shook so violently with his own snoring that he woke himself up, and dazed stared out ahead of him, his creased old eyes slowly focusing first upon a beautiful crescent moon, then upon a splattering of silver stars, and finally, upon the angry looking Mermaid.

“I should have guessed it would be you”, muttered the Mermaid, with a hint of softness in her voice. “You always did snore like a dragon”. The Ogre couldn’t help but smile: “How are you beautiful?” he laughed, “I have dreamed about you so many nights, and now you are here again in my dreams. That wine was stronger than I thought!”

“You’re not dreaming you foolish old man”, snapped the Mermaid.

The Ogre’s breathing slowed, and he sat upright so he could get a better look at the Mermaid. “You have aged” he said, slowly. She laughed, tossed her golden seaweed locks and splashed her tail so hard she sent spray shooting over the Ogre’s face. He wiped the salt water from his eyes and blinked. Suddenly, the salt water became tears that dropped from his large brown eyes and his mouth quivered.

“You were right to leave me on my mountain” he stammered. “I am old now too, and my life is unsurprising and full of mediocrity. Not how it would have been with you, my love. But each day when I stare out at the green sea, I thank the stars that I let you free to be without me as a burden to your life. You will have faired far better alone, without me.”

The Mermaid folded her arms, and put her head on one side thoughtfully. “And how is that so?”

“I am fat and ugly.” Replied the Ogre. “There were times with you that I felt fit and handsome but I was always going to fall prey to those delicious current buns in Mrs McGinty’s cake shop, and my big nose and huge crooked teeth were always going to be the first thing that anyone noticed about me.”

“That’s true” replied the Mermaid, calmly, with a slight smile.

“And I was always so unreliable” continued the Ogre, wiping away another salty tear with his large chubby hands. “I still am of course. I’d make a promise and then somehow I just couldn’t seem to make it happen, even though I tried and tried, and I couldn’t bare to keep letting you down and disappointing you. Why should you have to put up with that?”

“I shouldn’t” replied the Mermaid.

“So you have made a better life now?” Asked the Ogre, though his question was tinged with regret, and he turned his head to stare again at the moon as if he didn’t really want to hear an answer.

“You silly old fool” laughed the Mermaid. “Yes, you are fat, and your nose is big and cavernous enough to house a family of mice, and your teeth are crooked as ancient tombstones, and you are indeed a most unreliable fellow. Many times you would decide on some grand plan that would be almost impossible to achieve, and set forth with such enthusiasm. If only – if only….. “ The Mermaid’s voice trailed away with a gust of wind that tussled her hair and the Ogre could remember how it had felt, when he would put his big fingers into her hair and squeezed out the seawater and smelled the salty spray.

“You see” he cried out suddenly. “You see I was right to go back up onto the mountain and to leave you to swim free in the big green sea.”

“You silly old fool” laughed the Mermaid again. That unreliable man that you speak of was the man who brought adventure and excitement into my life. That large belly was where I laid my tired head to rest. Those big thick hands squeezed seawater out of my tangled locks. Those crooked teeth were the gatekeepers to a mouth that could kiss with such sweet softness and utter words of deepest love and tenderness. Those giant clumsy arms would hold me and make me feel safer than any place on land or sea.”

The Mermaid turned her back on the Ogre, and smashed her tail into the sea so that he was covered in cold salty spray. He stood up shakily, brushing the water out of his face. She turned to him once more and smiled.

“That person you so dislike, that man who you ‘saved me’ from – that was the man I fell in love with. But it is not enough for one person to love another – you needed to love yourself too. And I see you still have not learned that lesson.”

As the Mermaid swam out to sea in search of her supper, she sang a ditty that lay suspended in the air like the smell of fish hangs on the breeze once the fishing boats have left the harbour. The Ogre listened hard, and could just make out the words: “I loved you…. I love you…. I love you, you silly old fool…..”.

Suzy Miller

25 November 2009

the wall

The man faced the wall and grimaced. It loomed above him, and although he was sure he could see the top of it, his grappling hook never seemed to get any purchase. His hair and face were speckled with dust and debris from his attempts to climb the wall. His nails were broken, and he could barely get his breath back to a calm level where he could begin to think straight.

When the man stared at the wall head on, the rocks within it moved and shifted their shapes, colours changing, and he could see his past memories pulsating as mute pastel images ,which appeared and disappeared before he could quite place them in time or space. Some of the stones seemed to throb and shimmer with visions that were of his own creation – not actual memories of the past but fears of the future. They spat their dark threatening scenes into his face, so that he creased up his eyes and tears welled up. He could no longer tell whether the fear that surged through his body was made up of past events, or imagined future, as it all seemed locked together by the sticky mortar that held the rocks in place.

Sometimes the man cried out and slammed his fists at the wall, kicked it hard as if by the force of his will he could create a hole through which he would throw himself and then run, run into the future and never look back.

I had stood in front of that same wall. The images I saw locked within the stones were different to the man’s, but just as frightening now as when I had stood alongside him. I had looked up and seen how far there was to climb, and tested the thickness of the rocks with my bare hands, and submitted to the power and strength of my past, and of my unknown mysterious future.

I had breathed in the dust of my own history, and exhaled deeply with sighs and tears and waited till my hands ceased trembling and my heart beat at a more constant rate. Then, I had looked to the right, and to the left. “This wall” thought I, “Is not the Great Wall of China. Perhaps if I walk to the right, I will be able to go around it?”

So I walked, and walked, and kept looking, and the images in the stones laughed at me and spat mortar dust into my eyes but I kept my vision strong and my steps did not falter. And I walked around the wall to the other side.

Now I face forwards, and the wall stands behind me. It is still there, with all my lost dreams, dashed hopes and past pain embedded, engraved, never to be weathered away. But it is behind me, and I am walking forwards. At my own pace. Choosing my own direction.

Behind the wall, in the distance, I hear the man wailing and crashing against the rocks. I would like to help him, but he would not follow me when I walked away to find another route. He seemed strangely determined to continue his battering against his past pain, his future fears, and unwilling to try something new.

I am alone as I walk. There may be another wall up ahead. But there may also be another person who is looking for a way around that wall, and who will walk with me.

Suzy Miller

24 November 2010

Can sole parents ever really be ‘single’ ?

Thanks to @candidandy sharing on Twitter I’ve just read the Times article “The Step Family Files: dealing with new partners” and all the upset, indignation and confusion that is reflected in the comments. I see this situation occur with both sexes and telling couples to ‘discuss these things amicably’ is like telling two hungry dogs to have a friendly chat over who gets to chew on the bone.

Families need mentorship and training, where they can openly express their fears and resentment of new partners no matter how ‘illogical’ or hypocritical. There is no room for judgment here – more useful is creating honest lines of communication, and I see a role for mediators to encourage a step by step guide for making a bad situation gradually work better, putting the welfare of the children at the heart.

There are online groups that can help, like www.successfulsingleparenting.com, who deal head-on with the issues created by becoming ‘blended families’, and Resolution have accredited parenting courses which can help prepare divorcing couples for the complexities of parenting apart.

Perhaps what is most hard to accept, is that bringing new partners into your life will inevitably have consequences on children and ex partners.  Parents who want to take on new relationships with the same ease as pre-parenthood may be in for a shock -  as a sole parent, you are never really ‘single’, with the freedoms we associate with that. At least, not until the kids have left home, by which time most of my potential dates will be wondering if their knees will hold out for another ski trip and may no longer fancy a night out in a pub watching a live band.

But consideration for your children when going back into dating does not have to require a long term sacrifice of creating quality relationships with others – albeit new partners will have to accept that they are becoming part of a complex family situation. I have felt the consequences of that in my own life, and seen it as the creator of the Starting Over Show.

I didn’t like it much at first, but now see that a quality relationship can be strengthened by the rigors of working together to keep children and ex-s feeling secure, and also I’ve learned not to beat myself up over the inevitable fact that kids do get drawn into their parents’ love lives whether we like it or not, and keeping everything ‘separate’ prevents forming relationships with new partners who want to share and be part of your family. Even the way you meet new potential partners can be influenced positively to prioritize other single people who have an awareness and understanding of the patience required when going out with a sole parent and their associated children, ex’s and previous history, which is why using introduction agencies where interviews take place can be wiser than taking your chances on the internet sites.

Forget about perceptions of ‘justice’ and indignation over hypocritical ex’s who seem to want their cake and eat it, even though sometimes the way children are introduced to one or more ‘new parent partners’ can seem crass and brutal and is enough to make you scream.  Focus instead on balancing what is to be lost and what is really to be gained by sharing every aspect of your lives with your children just because it suits you, and without sensitivity to when it would best suit them. And when you do bring new partners into their lives – don’t expect them to like them as much as you do. Why should they?

a different pair of shoes

How do you begin to change negative attitudes about divorce? Seems a bit ambitious – even crazy. And what’s the point of even trying anyway?

When I stuck my new Iphone in the faces of three of my friends and video’d them, I asked them a question they had never been asked before.

“Say something nice about your Ex” I demanded. The result was not only a two minute short film, but as they wrestled with the subject matter this was a learning experience for me too.

Although I included myself in the film – and after six years of being separated from my kid’s father found it no problem to find good things to say about him – it was having to prompt my friends to follow suit that reminded me of why I, and ultimately they, succeeded in this endeavor.

You see, there’s a trick to it. You have to forget about yourself for a minute. Forget about the pain you suffered or even what disruptions, annoyances or downright fury your Ex may still be able to elicit from you – and instead, to just see them as a person unconnected to yourself. As an individual, another human being like anyone else. It’s a bit like putting on a different pair of shoes – standing in them and seeing everything from a completely different perspective because you are feeling ‘different’ to your normal self. (Ok, perhaps it’s a girl thing, but you get the idea).

And then, suddenly, it becomes quite easy to think of at least one good thing to say about your Ex. Maybe even two.

But what’s the point of it? I guess that’s up to the viewer to judge. One woman I spoke to recently, who is currently going through a divorce and not on ‘speaking terms’ with her Ex, viewed the film and said she had been avoiding saying anything about her kids’ father when the children were around. She reflected that perhaps she should try to find some good things to say about him in front of the children – rather than keep him a subject of no discussion – and she felt sad that she had not thought of doing that before.

Coming from someone who is currently enduring some very unhelpful behaviour from her Ex, this was emotional generosity at its best. Not just because she was ‘putting the children first’, but because she had the courage to let go of her own unhappiness for a moment and try on a different pair of shoes.

I believe that if only more couples used counselling and mediation processes more effectively (no offence to Relate, but I’m talking communication skills here, not getting people back together), by learning how to step into another pair of shoes, another viewpoint, and to let go of their own anger, fear, or just plain exhaustion for long enough to see something positive, something real, in a person who was not always as difficult to deal with as they may be at this time – then suddenly a less aggressive and painful divorce would be more likely.

It can be painful to remember the good things about someone when you are still struggling to say good bye to that person. Even years on, being asked to ‘say something nice about your Ex’ can bring up all kinds of emotions that you thought were dead and buried.

The most humbling moment for me in making the film was the final comment made by my friend Andy at the end: “… what makes her the best Ex in the world are the same things that made her the best partner in the world at the time”.

Now, as an ‘Ex’ myself, I can see that is something to aspire to.

Want to be a good Ex? Want to get free legal, financial and wellbeing help to become a good Ex?
Take a look at our fantastic offer for a selected number of couples……

Your’s not back at school yet…. ?

Whilst the rest of the world are returning to sanity because the ‘kids are back at school’, I am still hanging on in there because instead of making use of a perfectly good local primary school, I in my infinite wisdom decided to send my children to an eco farm school that has extremely long holidays.  So while other parents have kids exhausted from the unfamiliar early mornings and sudden academic workload, mine are currently wide awake as we approach nine O’clock at night with no intention of crashing into a deep slumber, while Mummy is focused entirely on getting her head onto a pillow as soon as possible.

Being a single mum can sometimes be a little tiring, but ironically not so much because of the children themselves.  It often involves spending so much time trying to run the house, create a solid financial future and keeping going, that actually spending quality time with the kids can be the biggest challenge of all.

I have sometimes felt jealous of their dad being able to devote a whole day – or even weekend – to just enjoying their company.  Of course no-one is stopping me from taking ‘time out’ to be with them, but I tend to grab time randomly – rather than create a wholesome rhythm – and there can be fall out.

Yesterday’s trip to Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens (wonderful, by the way) involved an argument on the train going up which turned into an all out rebellion.  Cries of “We don’t want to go to London” turned into my 12 year old daughter saying she was going to return home alone, my agreeing ‘that’s fine with me’, then her trying to get my 10 year old son to break ranks (so I countered with a tactic of bribing the 8 year old to stay with me and scupper the complete mutiny), and all this being listened to by a train of polite gentlemen and ladies with raised eyebrows.

We finally made peace before London Victoria and had a great day out.  But it occurred to me that ticking the ‘you can’t say I didn’t do anything with you in the holidays’ box by slipping in a bit of Peter Pan just before school starts at the end of a two month school holiday was really not good enough.

Like everything in a busy life, balance is best achieved by writing things down and creating a schedule.  Preferably one that is created along with the children – not something just ‘presented’ as a fait accompli.  This is how I hope to plan for the Xmas holidays, which seem oh so near.

Upstairs my 10 year old is practising his cornet and driving his 8 year old brother insane with the racket – which is the main reason so much music practice has come willingly from a boy who only today suggested we advertise the youngest on Ebay for 10p, with free postage.

The 12 year old is scouring the internet for a dog after I recklessly agreed to us getting one, though my insistence on a rescue dog of a specific breed and particular age range is making the search hard enough to slow down her success.  But her amazing stubborness will ensure ultimate victory whatever obstacles I randomly throw in her way.

So perhaps the first thing I should do when the kids go back to school next week, is take some moments to schedule some time with them that is not based on feeding, cleaning or moving from one place to the next.  And then, maybe, I shall shall schedule in some time just for me as well while I’m at it.

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