Where are the private detectives?
August 19, 2009 by Suzy
NB: The following article is the sad but true situation underlying the lack of effective divorce law reform that has inspired SOS launching a Divorce Relationship Makeover initiative
With the vast majority of divorces being filed by women, and the most common reason being extra marital affairs, it’s not surprising that the process can easily become litigious, angry, and misery inducing. With ‘blame’ being integral to the process in order to divorce within 2 years thanks to ‘no fault divorce’ still not becoming part of divorce reform, the need for private detectives and DNA testers at the world’s first ever Divorce Fair in Austria in 2007 – a country with a nearly 50% divorce rate – was understandable.
So where were the private investigators and DNA testers at the first UK divorce fair in Brighton this March, and why will there be none exhibiting at the first London divorce fair next Spring?
SOS Brighton and SOS London March 2010 have a different focus, and one not a million miles away from the recent Centre for Social Justice report “Every Family Matters”. SOS does not stand for ‘save our souls’ but ‘Starting Over Show’, and both events not only make clear that Private Detectives will not be exhibiting, but aim to encourage a holistic and non combative approach to divorce and relationship breakup.
As the creator of the Starting Over Shows, I feel that where children are involved, we just have to go against the aggressive divorce culture exacerbated by media hype around angry celebrity breakups, and focus on the positive future we want for ourselves and our children. The focus of our events is not so much about getting through a difficult time – it’s more about starting over by getting the right information and inspiration before all communication breaks down. It’s really about offering hope.
In the Grant Thornton’s Forensic and Investigation Services sixth annual survey, they canvassed the opinions of 70 of the UK s leading family lawyers.
Covering the period 2007 to 2008, the level of cases in which assets are concealed has continued at similar levels to previous years. In such cases, it has been more common for the concealment to be an action of the husband (91% of the cases). In 2008 there were no cases (2% in 2007) of the concealment resulting from the actions of a wife.
Extra marital affairs are cited as the most common reason for divorce in both years. However, worryingly, between 2007 and 2008 there have been a significant increase in the rise of ‘abuse’ and ‘financial worries’ cited as the most common reason for divorce.
As the recession deepens, it is hard to be optimistic about these trends not continuing in the same direction, which makes the lack of legal protection for couples who live together even more of an issue.
All the solicitors surveyed by Grant Thornton have advised on cohabitation agreements over the last year, an increase from 97% in 2007. Yet most couples are unaware that common law marriage is effectively a myth.
With a rise in couples cohabiting, we are seeing a growing number of lawyers demanding clarity and guidance over the issue of cohabitation and couples rights if they do separate. In the eyes of the Courts common law marriage does not hold the same legal rights as it does for married couples, however many cohabiting couples often do not realise this until it is too late.
One in six couples in the UK co-habit – a figure that is predicted to rise to one in four by 2031. This is why Lord Lester has introduced the Cohabitation Bill, which received its second reading in the Lords on 30 July 09.
But let’s not lose our perspective here: the Grant Thornton study reveals that although women continue to file for divorce in 91% of cases, in all but 3% of cases, (up from 2% in 2007), the divorces are not contested.
This means that in the vast majority of cases, the decision to divorce begins with a mutual desire for both parties to end the marriage. So why is there so much misery surrounding the divorce process?
A positive trend which may improve the situation is the rise in the number of lawyers training in collaborative techniques. The Grant Thornton survey shows that the number of respondents trained as collaborative lawyers has increased to 50%, up 2% on 2007 and there has also been an increase in lawyers intending to undergo the necessary training (up to 13% from 11% in 2007).
But who really knows what collaborative lawyers do, or even that they exist?
I’m keen to change that situation. I was amazed to find out only a couple of years ago about collaborative lawyers and financial mediators, not so much because of what they do, but because I never even knew they existed. I want to use the Starting Over Show events as a platform to raise awareness of the wide number of choices open to people facing breakup and divorce.
The Centre for Social Justice Report concludes that: “there should now be strong Government encouragement of couples getting married to take part in high-quality, standardised and accredited pre-marriage information and preparation, delivered in an accessible fashion.”
I believe that much of the information and advice available at the Starting Over Events helps prepare people to not only leave their current relationship with some dignity, but also effectively prepares them for a healthier relationship in the future. You never really know someone till you break up with them – this is something many of us have discovered to our cost. But it is also true that you can get to know yourself pretty well too. If you can manage to break up well by keeping a long term view, the lines of communication open and maintaining hope, then you will also develop skills that will be valuable in keeping your next relationship healthy and strong.
The Social Justice Executive Summary doesn’t only quote Mr Justice Coleridge’s comments on how the Government “is allowing the whole family justice system to be starved to death”. There is also a quote from ‘Angela, daughter 11, son 10′ – which strikes to core of the matter. “As long as solicitors and Society continue to view divorce and custody as adversarial, ie. That there should be a ‘winning’ and a ‘losing’ side, then the issue of where the children from these relationships should spend their time will be a painful, expensive battleground for those involved.”
A pity perhaps, that the same report does not include recommendations for introducing ‘no fault’ divorce.
References:
Centre for Social Justice: Breakthrough Britain – Every Family Matters
Grant Thornton “Boom or bust for divorce?”
Vision for SOS 2010
July 29, 2009 by Suzy
Interview by @Sobk13
a taster of what awaits you….
March 2, 2009 by Suzy
… when you visit Starting Over Show on Sunday 15 March
Soundtrack by Tankus the Henge
Award winning storytellers help divorcees
February 5, 2009 by Suzy
Storytelling is a healing art and stories can be heard all around the UK during this National Storytelling Week, which was conceived in the year 2000 AD to increase public awareness of the art, practice and value of oral storytelling.
National Storytelling Week It is held during the first week of February every year, and at least one of those storytellers, Madeleine Grove of East Sussex, is going to be also performing at a unique and unusual event in Brighton on 15 March 2009 – the first UK divorce fair.
“Stories speak to us in a direct way” explains Madeleine, an award winning storyteller and registered homeopath practicing in Kent, Sussex, and London. “We absorb truths, teaching, and healing effortlessly when we hear a story. That’s why the great teachers have always used them. “
The Society for Storytelling was set up to promote the oldest art form in the world. “Storytelling is at the root of every art form: we think in story form, make sense of our world in narrative – from something we’ve seen – from last night’s television, to what family and folk stories we remember and retell.”
The Starting Over Show, the first event of it’s kind in the UK, will be visited on March15th by people going through life changing experiences including divorce and relationship breakup. The show’s creator and producer Suzy Miller is a keen fan of storytelling and has herself attended some courses at Emerson College in East Sussex.
Suzy agrees with the view of the Society for Storytelling that: “Performance storytelling can be a powerful experience, both entertaining and moving. Story is also the traditional medium of communication from generation to generation, a tool for education and therapy.”
Madeleine Grove’s work as a homeopath has enforced her belief of the healing effect of stories on adults as well as children:
“In my clinics I find stories so valuable. A patient who may be struggling with health issues can often see the images in a simple tale that can illuminate their own life. For instance? well – there is a Scottish story of a fisherman who found a mermaid and took her home – took off her tale and hid it – years later the mermaid/wife finds her wondrous tale again – puts it on and dives back into her element, back into the sea – never to return to the heart-broken man… A little story like that can open up the imagination and give someone a safe way to look at what ‘parts of themselves’ were left out of a marriage or a relationship and how that may have contributed to the break-down of the partnership.”
Throughout the S.O.S. day at the Old Ship Hotel not far from Brighton pier, Madeleine will be joined by at least one other storyteller relating tales to illuminate each of the Stages of Relation Breakdown Recovery – Starting Over Stories.
In 2007 the seventh year of National Storytelling Week there were 1,040 events held throughout the country.
To find out more and secure tickets for the Starting Over Show go to: http://www.startingovershow.co.uk, or visit the SOS Village resource site at
www.sos-village.org.
END
Contacts:
Suzy Miller 07825 222 404 suzy@startingovershow.co.uk
Featured in Sept 08 issue of Eve Magazine
Suzi Christie/Blueberry PR suzi@blueberry-pr.co.uk 01435 830031
High quality photos/images and case studies are available on request
Sources and links:
Suzy Miller (featured in September 08 Eve Magazine) is the creator of the Starting Over Show, an event designed to give people going through relationship breakdowns access to a wide range of resources and specialists who can help them break up without breaking down. The SOS event takes place at the Barcelo Old Ship Hotel in Brighton on 15 March 2009 and will include a workshop with Divorce Doctor Francine Kaye and a talk by Daily Mail columnist Anna Pasternak (Daisy Dooley Does Divorce)
Starting Over Show
The Starting Over Show will be held in Brighton at the Barcelo Old Ship Hotel on Sunday 15 March 2009. It is the first UK event designed to help people bounce back from relationship break ups and life crises. It will be a safe haven in which soon-to-be singletons can take professional advice to build the confidence and skills they need to go it alone. The philosophy behind the show is useful information, honest communication, personal transformation.
www.startingovershow.co.uk
Suzy Miller has also created an independent, non-commercial online resource hub – the SOS Village http://www.sos-village.org which allows people to access a range of resources and to share personal stories to help them through a break up.
Madeleine Grove is an award-winning storyteller – winner of The Golden Argus Angel Award for artistic excellence at the Brighton Fringe Festival 2007 for ‘Psyche and Eros’ – a storytelling and musical extravaganza*.
For further information about Madeleine’s work and up-coming workshops in England and Crete visit www.madeleinegrove.com
Society for Storytelling http://sfs.org.uk
The Society for Storytelling was set up to promote the oldest art form in the world. Storytelling is at the root of every art form: we think in story form, make sense of our world in narrative – from something we’ve seen – from last night’s television, to what family and folk stories we remember and retell. Performance storytelling can be a powerful experience, both entertaining and moving. Story is also the traditional medium of communication from generation to generation, a tool for education and therapy. The deaf community carry their stories in the palm of their hands and write them in the air. For visually impaired people, storytelling is a natural accessible medium that stimulates all the senses of the imagination.
The Society for Storytelling seeks through National Storytelling Week to give all elements of the tradition their voice.
National Storytelling Week was conceived in the year 2000 AD to increase public awareness of the art, practice and value of oral storytelling. It is held during the first week of February every year.
This week was chosen because it is not too close to Christmas and coincides with Candlemas, which falls on the 2nd of February. Part of the rituals for this old church festival includes a blessing on the throat, a prime tool in the store of nearly all storytellers of every belief and culture.
The first publicity for National Storytelling Week is issued now to national and local media in the late spring. This allows for teachers and others who perhaps need a greater length of time to prepare their ideas for events. Other Press Releases follow in late summer and early winter as the build up grows. Indeed throughout the months of December and January each year the Society for Storytelling is deluged with post and emails of interest and participation in this rapidly growing national event. In 2007 the seventh year of National Storytelling Week there were 1,040 events held throughout the country.
Why one person wants to be at the Starting Over Show this March….
January 27, 2009 by Suzy
Hi Suzy,
I was in Brighton staying at the Ship on Friday night with some girlfriends for a birthday and I picked up the Sos leaflet about the show on the 15th MARCH.
I have been seperated from my husband for 5 years now after he started an affair and left after a year of indecision as to what to do about it. I have always wanted him to come back – feeling as if he has left a void for me and my 2 children (15 and 11, then 9 and 6). I feel true love for him despite all the hurt he has caused us.
On 4 occasions (almost yearly), having sometimes met other people and not seeming to make myself feel the right way about them, and his relationship with the same woman often not working out as he had planned, we have almost got back together, but each time he has gone back to her as I believe her to be the most powerful out of us two women. I still love him very much, and reading your article ‘a strange gift’ has helped me realise I am not alone feeling that and that I can use that love to help the children in keeping us ‘ healthily and positively apart’.
Now I am not a weak person. I am a freelance food stylist, preparing food for photography and writing recipes for magazines and books. I love my job and all those I work with. I have many friends and I love to help others. I spend alot of time with friends and doing what I can for others makes me feel ‘needed’ and making, what I believe to be the best, for my children also gives me that sense of responsibility and purpose that I seem to desperately need to be at one with myself.
I took the children to Australia last year for the whole of the school summer holidays and I take them every year to the Isle of Wight Festival – putting my own tent up and down!!! (I read your article in eve magazine!) I know I do so much with my life now that I would never have done had I been with my ex still. I run my sons football team and have done for 4 years etc….. but I still have a void. I keep ridiculously busy with so much – but I know its to distract my thoughts from my failed relationship.
I feel happy and I feel motivated but still something is not right and I dont necessarily feel that a man would make that better – which is why I am not actively looking and rarely have done!
Having picked up your leaflet I feel hugely inspired and excited about such a show and I will most definately be there. Meeting others with similar situations could most definately help – which is something I have not done – not in a therapy situation anyway and its something I feel the need to do. Workshops sound a great idea for the show too. I feel so able to help others and do so as much as I can, but helping myself emotionally is not as easy!
Many thanks for taking the time to read this
An inspired SOS ticket holder!!
Emma
Divorce statistics
January 25, 2009 by Suzy
Wokingham with 38.6 per cent has the highest proportion of women lone parents in full-time work.
• Almost half of all marriages in England and Wales will end in divorce.
• At least one child under 16 is affected in 53% of all cases, with nearly two-thirds of them being under 11.
• Since 1997 average age of divorce has risen from 40.2 to 43.7 years for men and from 37.7 to 41.2 years for women, partly due to the rise in age at marriage.
• The highest rate of divorce is among men and women in their late twenties.
Source: www.statistics.gov.uk
Did you know….?
That there are 21.7m married people in England & Wales 2008: ONS population estimates (Nov 2009)
There are 132,361 divorce petitions in England & Wales 2009 http://www.justice.gov.uk/publications/docs/court-stats-quarterly-q1-jan-mar-2010.pdf
In cases of private law 133,780 children were involved in 2009 England & Wales http://www.justice.gov.uk/publications/docs/court-stats-quarterly-q1-jan-mar-2010.pdf
(Note: *Figures relate to the number of children subject to each application. Siblings are all counted individually. The actual number of children involved will be lower than recorded due to multiple counting. If multiple applications for one child are made, these are all counted separately. The actual number of cases in the system will be less as multiple orders and siblings in a family may be dealt with in one case)
Mediation can be a cheaper and less acrimonious alternative to the court process:
When the requirement to consider mediation was made mandatory for the legally aided sector, the number of publicly funded mediations rose year on year from approximately 400 in 1997 to over 14,300 in 2009.
We also know that the success rate of publicly funded mediation starts is approximately 70% (full and partial success).
(Ministry of Justice)
pdf National Statistics 45% divorce rate: 45-divorce-rate
Our research suggests the following:
That new singles will spend more on financial and wellbeing services than their married counterparts
An ongoing survey by professional service directory ‘CertainShops – Professionals Online’ supports anecdotal evidence that, following a relationship break up people are more likely to buy new properties, update their wills and insurances, and spend money on themselves.
Results to date show that in the three years following the break up of a relationship:
26.5% rented a property more than once
36.7% bought a new property
51.0% went on a foreign holiday more than once
27.3% joined a gym
20.0% changed their appearance
35.3% changed their job
Financial advice and legal advice were considered ‘definitely important’ for people going through a relationship break up (53.1% and 50% respectively) with well-being advice also as a definite at 45.5%. The highest score for ‘definitely important’ was 82.8% for ‘people to listen to them sympathetically’.
Nearly one in four (22.9% or 2,672,000) dependent children in England and Wales live in lone-parent families, 91.2% of which are headed by the mother. More than 1 in 10 dependent children live in a step-family (1,284,000). The majority (65%), though, live with both natural parents.
Great Britain. Office for National Statistics. (2002) Social focus in brief : children (PDF). London: Office for National Statistics.
Britain has 2.7 divorces per 1,000 of the population, compared with a European average of 1.8, according to Government figures in the study.
Italy had the lowest rate at 0.6 divorces, while Spain registered 0.9, France 2.0, Austria 2.2, Germany 2.3 and Finland alongside Britain on 2.7.
The high divorce rate, combined with the growth of cohabitation and illegitimate births, resulted in Britain recording the highest proportion of children living in one-parent families.
More than a quarter of children in Britain now live in single-parent families, compared with a European average of 14 per cent. It is six per cent in Greece, 12 in Austria, 13 in France, 14 in Germany and almost 15 per cent in Belgium.
(Broken Heart’s Report 2002)
the average age at divorce continues to rise, from 40.9 for men and 38.4 for women in 1999 up to 41.3 and 38.8 respectively in 2000.
(ONS)
Survey and a friend in need
November 19, 2008 by Suzy
7 questions: Serious issues with room for some humour too. A quick and balanced survey I hope.
Help a friend in need this Xmas: tell them about the SOS Village
‘Healthy chocolate’ to be won, and free tickets for SOS to all participants (to give to a friend in need?)
Click Here to take survey
I want to use the SOS event in the spring as a platform to create some positive change, and you completing the survey will really help that to happen. It’s really short and focuses on areas not given (I believe) enough consideration by the national media.
I thank you in advance!
Help a friend in need this Xmas: tell them about the SOS Village
Friends and family going through relationship breakups need emotional and practical support. The SOS Village (www.sos-village.org) is a good place to start. No adverts – just good advice and shared experiences.
There are still some spaces left for mentors and exhibitors at SOS.
The National Press call it “the first UK divorce fair”
We call it the Starting Over Show
All the things you need to know about breaking up and starting over in one SOS
Useful Information
Honest Communication
Personal Transformation
For tickets visit www.startingovershow.co.uk
Starting Over Show is part of Certain Shops Ltd. 72 Medway Drive Forest Row E Sussex RH18 5NX Tel: 0208 8167281 Textphone 18001 0208 8167281 www.certainshops.com e:suzy(at)certainshops.com Registered in England & Wales Company no. 5685386 VAT no. 880175810 Registered office North Park Lodge South Street East Hoathly Lewes E Sussex BN8 6DS
Can you see the story in our short film?
October 3, 2008 by Suzy
The 7 stages of relationship breakdown recovery – a short film
Tankus the Henge met 2 years ago whilst working at fairgrounds and theme parks on the outskirts of London. They are steam driven.
Jaz Delorean is the singer. He is also responsible for piano, accordion, trombone and top hat.
Chris Owen plays guitar and sleeps in the van next to the carousel.
Dan Mason plays bass and administers to the early morning drunks at The Grey Horse.
George Bird plays trap kit and superdrum.
They are aged between 20 and 22. Most of the time they have known each other has been spent touring, recording or working on contraptions that throw live human beings into the air at great speed.
They will have an album out this year. In the meantime their download only single, ‘Smiling Makes The Day Go Quicker’, is available on itunes.
“Almost the Beatles” – BBC radio
“Tankus the Henge are going to be huge” – XFM
