Seven ways to leave your lover

Relationship breakup without breaking down

There are more ways to get divorced, break up a civil partnership or leave your live-in lover than you might realise, and it doesn’t have to turn into a saga of anger and bitterness.

Inspiration is just as important as Information when you are experiencing a major life changing event. I am no more an expert than anyone else who has been through a traumatic family break up, but my story was featured in the September 08 issue of Eve Magazine, and I am the creator of the Starting Over Show, an event designed to give people going through relationship breakdowns access to a wide range of resources and specialists who can help them break up without breaking down.

Seven ways to break up without breaking down

One: Don’t try to do it all alone. Relate isn’t just there to help you stay to together – they can help you break up as well. There are different courses and professionals who can help keep the lines of communication open, and avoid an adversarial approach. Why not work with an independent mediator? Most people have never heard of Matrimonial Financial Mediators – but they charge a great deal less than solicitors and can help you thrash out a financial settlement without you having to be in the same room as each other. If you reach a full agreement, then you don’t have to go to court at all.

Two: Be collaborative. Understand that the courts don’t care a fig who caused the breakdown of the marriage, despite all the media about famous people dishing the dirt in court. If you go straight to court you might as well toss a coin as to who will `gain’ the most financially, but if you work together or even use collaborative lawyers to keep your focus on putting your children’s financial security before your own, for example, you are less likely to spend so long getting angry about things the court really aren’t interested in, and create a sustainable settlement.

Three: Don’t join a dating site or even an introduction agency (a much better option) until you are really ready – in other words, don’t still be angry about your last relationship before you start to search for a new one. Like attracts like. Dealing with the emotional journey of a breakup can bring up a great deal of stuff from your past, and this is a wonderful opportunity to sort yourself out once and for all (or at least, make some good headway!). Life coaching can be invaluable at turning a horrible situation into a catalyst for positive change, and some life coaches specialise in divorce for this reason. Some kind of self development process can not only help you deal with your immediate situation, but prepare you for a positive future as a new single.

Four: Don’t compromise because you just want it `all over and done with’. Everyone I know who has done this later felt angry about what they then saw as a very poor settlement. Agreeing to not have enough to pay the mortgage and to feed the kids (when that income is available to be had) can create disharmony and even bitterness later down the line, and even attempts (usually futile) to go back to court. Make informed decisions by finding out what you really need to live off by talking to independent financial advisers who specialise or have experience of divorce and relationship breakdown situations.

Five: Prepare a change of Will. This may seem premature, but by drafting a new Will you will be forced to think about the future and the needs of yourself or your family, including what insurances or pensions you will need to put in place. This will keep your focus on creating a sustainable and sensible financial settlement, whether you will need a bigger or smaller property in several years time, and generally looking forward to how you want to live the rest of your life rather than backwards at what has recently caused you such pain and probably anger.

Six: Don’t take medication just because the GP offers it. Psychiatric issues can arise out of relationship breakdowns, but the first stop is a qualified and experienced practitioner and like most things in life worth having, you may be better off paying for them even if it is just so you can have more sessions sooner than you might get via the NHS. Pills can sometimes be used to keep you `stable’ whilst being put on a waiting list but many drugs can themselves cause an initial depression and should be avoided unless you are in danger of self harm. NLP trained (Neuro Linguistic Programming) practitioners focus on your future and changing your behaviour patterns and can be excellent for getting you back on track with coping mechanisms you can learn to do yourself. Keep going over the negative sides of your broken relationship to the minimum, and only with your kindest friends who will listen, because otherwise you will stay stuck in sadness and anger and find it difficult to move forwards.

Seven: Love yourself. Get fresh air and exercise (a better cure for depression than most medication can offer). Stay away from drugs and alcohol at least until you are through the worst of the pain, and spend time with people who love and care for you. Even if you feel deeply unloved or unworthy at this point, there will be someone who cares, even if it is a listening ear of a good Samaritan. If you have children, don’t feel guilty, feel joy that they were created and will see how their parents can (despite some odd hiccups) get through their break up showing the best and not the worst of themselves. Change your hair, your glasses, go on a mad adventurous holiday where you don’t know any of the other people, dance in clubs you haven’t been to since you were twenty, and laugh with your friends. If your friends don’t laugh with you, get new ones. If you take responsibility for rebuilding your own self esteem and sense of self worth, you will deal with the legal and financial issues around your breakup much more effectively.

The SOS event takes place at the Barcelo Old Ship Hotel in Brighton on 15 March 2009 and will include a workshop with Divorce Doctor Francine Kaye and a talk by Daily Mail columnist Anna Pasternak (Daisy Dooley Does Divorce)

It is the first UK event designed to help people bounce back from relationship break ups and life crises. It will be a safe haven in which soon-to-be singletons can take professional advice to build the confidence and skills they need to go it alone. The philosophy behind the show is useful information, honest communication, personal transformation. Tickets available at www.startingovershow.co.uk

Suzy has also created an independent, non-commercial online resource hub – the SOS Village http://www.sos-village.org which allows people to access a range of resources and to share personal stories to help them through a break up or major life changing situation.

7 stages of relationship breakdown recovery

Breakdown

I remember standing outside my house knowing it was to be sold and with no idea whether I would see a penny of it, three young kids, no career, and a fortieth birthday looming. I felt like such a fool, and really guilty for having got my kids into this position, even though I really hadn’t seen it coming.

Whether it creeps up on you, or hits you like a sledgehammer, the breakdown of a relationship with your spouse, business partner or with yourself, will change your life forever.

Don’t expect to be at your best – you may not even like yourself very much at this time and despite feeling sympathy for you, others may seem to shy away.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS STAGE:

Panic and even paranoia can easily set in. Get hold of real facts from professionals, and don’t just rely on second hand information from well meaning friends.

Get out and about as much as you can. Physical exercise and fresh air will help prevent an insular perspective and even depression. Don’t rush into any big decisions at this time – the need to create stability and certainty will be strong, but don’t be rushed into making rash emotional decisions based on fear. Give yourself time for reflection.

Shock

I remember paying for my groceries at the shop, and my hand trembling so much I could hardly hold the money. Time seemed to drag incredibly slowly, and it was hard to connect with my emotions.

Withdrawing for a while will temporarily protect you from the emotional hell that awaits you. That’s fair enough. Don’t let anyone rush you through this stage. It will be short enough as it is.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS STAGE:

Even though you may feel like hiding away and waiting for the world to end, this is a time when sympathetic friends and some self nurturing is really important. Even though everything you do may feel pointless, focus on what really matters (family, close friends, anything you have a passion for). Just because nothing seems to give you pleasure any more – even eating food – find inspiration in positive influences, books and films.

You may not be ready to take much action, but looking ahead to positive possibilities, and noticing others who have gone through the same process and come through successfully, will help you move through this stage and not sink into depression.

Talking about what is happening to you can help connect you back to your emotions (painful though they may be). Don’t rush – it takes courage to connect with feelings that stab you like knives. Be gentle with yourself.

Anger

I have never known such venom as what poured forth post relationship break up even a year after the event. I was shocked how much anger stayed in me when I thought I was really quite ok with everything. I sought help to get rid of it – and discovered that dealing with anger was something I had never really learned to do before, so it was a valuable process for me.

People who are unable to shift the anger become bitter. This can be the most difficult stage to really completely shift, and it takes a few years. Don’t think that telling your friends what a terrible person you ex was will help – telling them how you FEEL is great, but negative thoughts will exacerbate your moving through this critical part of the process.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS STAGE:

Find people who you can laugh with – even about how awful the whole experience is or the things that are happening to you. Humour can help you stand outside your situation, get a perspective, and not get stuck in a victim mentality.

I was blessed in having friends who said things like “what’s happened to you is so awful it makes me laugh!” Those friends helped me focus on what I was going to do next, not on what seemed now just a miserable past.

Find ways to express anger. Hitting pillows, energetic sport, screaming you head off whilst driving alone in the car. Crying – or laughing till you cry – at sad movies and songs and really letting go, is a very powerful way of reducing stress and anger. It’s what children do so naturally, and insanely, we train them to `be brave’.

Alcohol and wild parties may seem attractive at this stage, but you will be vulnerable to seeking `rescue’ from a new relationship before you are ready. This is not the time you will easily attract the kind of people into your life who will be gentle and supportive. Let your anger be expressed freely but in ways that does not harm others. Don’t be afraid to seek any form of help that is productive and works for you. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Gandhi, Jesus, and other deeply gentle and vulnerable people, possessed immense strength.

Pain

The trouble with getting through the anger stage, is that you have no protection from the pain. And boy does it hurt. I remember feeling like my heart had been in an argument with a chainsaw. Just when I thought it must all start to be over, and the crying would stop – it seemed it was only now really beginning.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS STAGE:

It felt mad at the time, but listening to sad songs and really letting the pain go right through me and not trying to block it, actually seemed to help. This stage can be very cathartic. It’s like jumping off a cliff and knowing that it’s going to be rough when you hit the ground, but I began to develop an empathy for others I had never felt before. By tuning in to other’s suffering, I felt not so alone, and my deepest friendships have been formed during that time of vulnerability and compassion not just for others, but for myself.

For some of us, this can be the first time that we have ever accepted that we are not omnipotent, that we do need the help of others, and truly appreciate the value of shared experience.

Acrimony

I tried to avoid this stage, but I ended up paying a high price for ignoring a natural human emotion. Albeit one that you don’t want to spend too much time engaged with.

I drove myself forward with so much positivity, that it took a burst appendix (still don’t know when it actually burst, I was too busy creating my new life to notice) to bring me to a sudden halt. A near death experience was what made me take time to acknowledge some truths, and to accept that it is perfectly natural to not like someone who has hurt you badly emotionally. Trying to do the right thing is not right if you are not being truly honest with yourself.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS STAGE:

Acrimony (or even hatred), like anger, needs to find outlets of expression that will not harm others. A deeper self awareness and self honesty can come from this part of the process. It will often throw up much deeper issues, that go way beyond the situation that acted as a catalyst to bring you to this place in your life.

Difficult decisions may need to be made at this time, and self honesty and a passionate commitment to your own positive future will help you steer a steady course. Don’t be afraid of your own emotions, even if they seem over the top. This is a new you being born, and the chick doesn’t get out of the egg by flapping its wings. Bashing it’s beak to smash the shell is what is needed. Use the energy and focus that comes from the emotions you are feeling, and act honourably. Lead by example.

You may need to re-asses earlier information, legal or financial, and if compromises need to be made, ensure that you are focusing on the future you want to create, not things that you are trying to hang on to from the past.

Grief

I remember starting to remember some of the `good times’ – and realising the part I played in the relationship break up. Without any blame or beating myself up, things were no longer so black and white. However, I felt no sense of regret – I had changed so much that I barely recognised the person I had been, and had no desire to go back to that time.

The pain that you felt at an earlier stage can now be more completely expressed – to yourself – without any self pity or feeling of weakness. The sense of loss can be all encompassing, and often involves a strong sense of personal responsibility and lack of blame for others.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS STAGE:

Put yourself first. Stop trying to be superhuman and focus on what really matters to you, what gives you pleasure and joy, and all that you dream of creating in the future. Even in the depths of grief you can feel deep gratitude for all that is good and healthy in your life, and for all the support and love that you have received going through this long process. Gratitude makes you concentrate on the good things in your life, and what you focus on is what you attract more of into your life.

Acceptance & Hope

A clear vision of the positive future you are creating for yourself is crucial, and a mature acceptance of your own vulnerability and weaknesses. This acceptance of who you are and what you have to give, will be the greatest source of strength you have ever experienced.

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE:

Life is never still, and good and bad things can be repeated during your life. But despite the pain and intense emotions you have undergone over the last few years, your now have a freedom to move forward unencumbered by your past.

Most importantly, by taking responsibility for all that has happened in your life (without blame or shame) you will know that history need not repeat itself. You are in charge of your own future, and how you deal with what life brings you. By accepting what life offers, and being grateful for all that is beautiful in your life, you will invite in people and experiences that you were not ready to receive in the past. The future can be a wonderful place to live – in the present.