I think the Government should give ‘marriage vouchers’ to all married couples prior to their wedding, the same as they give vouchers for national health glasses and early years’ schooling. These vouchers should contribute to the cost of:

1/ A relationship coaching session – ideally one that teaches communication skills and a vision board for the shared future, to make sure the couple want the same things.

The vouchers should, in my opinion, definitely NOT be valid for Relate or other forms of ‘counseling’ – there is much confusion over counseling and coaching.  Coaching is focused on the future and taking proactive responsibility, irrespective (whilst not in any way ignoring) what has gone on in the past.  The choice of which relationship coach the couple uses should be down to them – not from some prescribed government list.

2/ The voucher should also entitle the couple to some sessions with a trained mediator, to create a living together or pre-nup agreement.  In a grown up responsible relationship, a couple should be able to agree on how they would split finances and share parenting should the relationship end.  It may not sound romantic, but fighting over the spoils in a divorce court lacks romance too.

I think the State has a responsibility to support couples in marriage prior to legally marrying them – especially as the State bears such a high financial cost when marriage breaks down. If you start a new business you can get free help from Business Link – if you start a new marriage you get nothing.

Why should the use of these vouchers be ‘compulsory’ prior to being eligible for a legal civil wedding?

Because I think making the use of the vouchers compulsory would be as sensible as making seat belts compulsory.  The State spends a great deal of public money on courts blocked up with fighting couples – and 10% of children from those broken relationships show suicidal tendencies according to recent reports.

The UK divorce laws are a mess and need changing, but changing the law alone will not solve the problem.  We need to support couples getting married in the same way we support new businesses.

What do YOU think?

Interview by @Sobk13

A. Couples who want to ‘break up right’ – especially those who have children. People considering break up but wanting to know what is involved. Couples who have got together post divorce but still have legal or financial issues that need sorting out. People who have already got divorced and are looking for the inspiration to really start over. Happily married people who are bringing along ‘a friend in need’ (which is why we provide two tickets for the price of one).

Q. How did you come up with the SOS concept?

A. There are fairs for people getting married, but nothing for those getting divorced – when they need even more support, especially emotional support.  I discovered this when I was breaking up from a 10 year relationship with 3 young children.

Q. Was the SOS in March 2009 the first in the UK?

A. Yes, we were the first.  I knew there would be demand for such fairs and I wanted to set a high standard, an ethical approach, as I feared that other event organizers would focus more on the divorce rather than the starting over, as had been done in the rest of Europe (SOS does not have any Private Detectives firms or DNA testers exhibiting – unlike other ‘divorce fairs’.

Q. What are the SOS Road Shows?

A. SOS Road Shows are local resource-based events, usually taking place on a Thursday evening after work so local residents and employees of local businesses can drop in and experience free legal & financial powwows, parenting and wellbeing salons, and find a better way to start over from divorce and break up.

Q. Why did you begin with an SOS Road Show in Farnham?

A. I create the SOS Road Shows in collaboration with key local firms who effectively sponsor and host a series of local events. My first SOS Road Show is hosted by the Collaborative Family Law Group who are based in the Blackwater Valley on the Surrey/Hampshire border. We felt that Farnham Castle was a fitting venue for our first Road Shows – an uplifting and inspirational venue for an uplifting and inspirational series of events.

Q  Are you planning shows in other parts of the UK?

A. I would love to create SOS events throughout the UK.  It is important that people have access to local support and expertise, which is why the locally based SOS Road Show events will provide a valuable local resource – nationally.

Q. Who are you aiming the show at and does it cater for gay people too?

A. The shows are ideal for anyone considering divorce and wanting to know what is involved, and how to proceed in a way that helps maintain a healthy relationship with their partner irrespective of whether they stay together or not.  SOS is also ideal for couples going through break up or even a few years down the line post-divorce, who have unresolved legal or child access issues, or just feel a bit stuck!  We are an inclusive event and welcome people breaking up from civil partnerships, which is one of the reasons why we chose Brighton as our very first location.

Q. Don’t you think you are profiting from people’s misery?

A. Does a doctor profit from another’s pain because he makes a living by helping others to heal?  Our exhibitors include many who have been through divorce themselves, and are passionate about helping others to go through the process in a healthy and empowering way.

Q. What about people from different religions?

A. As an inclusive event, we welcome all races and religions – fundamentally, divorce and relationship breakup is a process identical to that of bereavement.  Human pain has no cultural or religious boundaries.  Our show includes the presence of non denominational pastors who can give support and spiritual advice to people of any religious background.

Q. Why do you think the first show was such a success?

A. The press and the visitors were expecting a miserable, depressing event – or something that felt very commercial.  They experienced something very different!  Visitors felt relaxed enough to chat with each other and share stories, and they knew they were somewhere brimming over with information, inspiration, and where no one was made to feel like a failure just because their relationship hadn’t worked out as planned.

Q: I’ve heard of some other similar events taking place – are you involved in those?

A. There are some copycat shows happening which demonstrates a real need for such events, but I am deliberately distant from other ‘divorce fairs’ because of the fundamental differences between our approaches.  We are not a ‘divorce supermarket’ – rather, SOS is more like the friendly local organic shop where you can interesting and healthy alternatives to what is on the supermarket shelves. Consequently, the atmosphere of our shows is friendly and relaxed, and there are no private detective agencies (the only UK divorce fair so far that can make that claim).

Q. How do you respond when people say you are helping to promote divorce?

A. No one goes through divorce or relationship break up lightly.  It is one of the most painful and difficult experiences anyone can experience.  The idea that something so painful and difficult could be ‘promoted’ is ridiculous, and a claim that could only be made by those who have never experienced it.  To deny people – thousands of people – easy access to emotional and practical support, which will encourage them to take a non-combative approach to the divorce process, can only be a good thing.

Q. What sort of people are exhibiting at the next events?

A. It’s early days yet, but already we have some great exhibitors.  Jane Orr, The Mystic Housewife, Collaborative family lawyers and mediators, a Wills specialist, a photographer – a holistic mix of inspiration and information.  We have financial experts, relationship experts – including Vena Ramphal, a holistic coach who ‘unwraps the gifts of passion’, and also a private surgery for couples wanting parenting advice and support. Also present will be the interfaith ministers who created such interest at the last events with their ‘letting go’ ceremony.

Q. Why won’t you allow DNA testers or private detectives at SOS?

A. Both professions provide a valuable service – but they are not part of the ethos of ‘starting over’.  We are determined to encourage people to break with tradition and focus on non combative ways to go through break up, keeping a healthy working relationship with each other despite some inevitable low points.

Q How can people exhibit?

A. Contact suzy (at) startingovershow.co.uk or ring her on 07525 059 634.

Q. How can people get tickets and where exactly are the shows?

A. Tickets can be bought online for only £8 from most pages of the www.startingovershow.co.uk website, and we always provide 2 tickets for the price of 1 in case you want to bring along a friend/family member or a new partner.  The first SOS Road Shows are on 11 November 2010 & 10 February 2011 from 5.30pm to 8.30pm at Farnham Castle.

Q What are you doing to promote the shows?

A. We promote the events in a variety of ways, including making some tickets available for free to charities or organizations who see the SOS events as a positive HR resource.  For example, BT and the South East Fire Brigades’ Union gave out the code for free tickets to their staff which reflects their positive approach to their own corporate social responsibility.  The Brighton & Hove City Council and GLA also shared the code for free tickets with their staff.

Q Are you planning more SOS road shows?

A. I would love to put on more shows around the UK, but since I am a single mother of three with only so much time and energy, I plan to invite collaborators to take on the organisation of local SOS events in other parts of the UK as an ideal start-up business opportunity for parents looking for part-time flexible work, whilst maintaining they high quality of experience and strong ethos which is the mark of the Starting Over Show brand.

Download our pdf exhibitor booking form here:  sos-booking-form-051009

Inspiration for Starting Over

shared stories

Francine Kaye is known as ‘The Divorce Doctor’ on Channel 5′s ‘The Wright Stuff’ but she has had personal experience at the sharp end and understands what her clients are going through.

See Francine’s story here:

Francine provided a relationship workshop at SOS on 15 March which was free to our visitors.

See more about our speakers at SOS including Francine’s workshop here:

See other personal stories here:

free mini book download

7 ways to leave your lover: breaking up without breaking down

sos-7-ways-to-leave-your-lover-breaking-up-without-breaking-down-april-091

sos village information

What is ‘financial mediation’ and how can it help keep us out of court?

Listen to Val Rush interviewed about financial mediation here:

sos village inspiration

A tough divorce experience led Kirsten Gronning to become a coach to help others in her situation, and then to help create the Breakup Angels who will be attending SOS. Breakup Angels is an innovative organisation providing personal relationship support and help, information and advice to men and women in the UK and overseas who are affected by relationship breakdown – before, through and after separation and divorce.

See Kirsten’s personal story here…..

sos live event news

What business can I start whilst holding down a day job and children?

How would you like to introduce your friends to beautiful shoes, healthy chocolate and save them money on their bills – and earn money at the same time?

Well it seems that you can.  Read our article on Shoe Queen, Xocai Chocolate and Utility Warehouse here….

financial surgery

Free financial surgery at the Starting Over Show – see who was there and what they were offering

diary of a sole parent

“I knew we might have different views on the subject of love when I asked him to qualify `unconditional’ – my usual barrage of `but what if’s’ resulted in Brian re-qualifying his answers to such an extent that he defined no less than three different versions of `unconditional love’. Personally, I believe that there is only one kind……”

short film: a visual taster of the Starting Over Show March 2009

Click here to see our short film about the March 2009 SOS event: this is the short film we made just prior to the event …

networking links

Wikivorce forums packed with useful advice and guidance

Other great resources for starting over

Need word of mouth recommended professionals to talk to? Free access via CertainShops – professionals online

Promotions:

The Shoe Queen Stunning Sale is causing a frenzy,don’t forget to call 01342 824871 to make sure we have your size!

Why make a will? Or update one due to a change of relationship status?

C.J.H. Consultancy Services can help

In partnership with:

Starting Over Show
www.startingovershow.co.uk

All the things you need to know about breaking up and starting over in one SOS

Useful Information
Honest Communication
Personal Transformation

Starting Over Show is part of Certain Shops Ltd. Tel: 0208 8167281  Textphone 18001 0208 8167281
www.certainshops.com Registered in England & Wales  Company no. 5685386  VAT no. 880175810
Registered office North Park Lodge  South Street  East Hoathly  Lewes  E Sussex  BN8 6DS

Soundtrack by Tankus the Henge

interviewing

Suzy Miller and exhibitors at the event are available for interviews.  Exhibitors can be contacted via Suzy: email at suzy@startingovershow.co.uk, or phone on 07525 059 634.

filming arrangements and photocall timings

In order to respect the privacy of our visitors, no cameras or video equipment will be allowed into the event.  However, pre-arranged filming and photo-calls can be booked.

case studies

We are in contact with a number of people who are willing to talk to the Press about their personal experiences of break up and divorce, and case study requests by the press will be shared with SOS exhibitors if emailed to Suzy@startingovershow.co.uk.

Contacts:

Suzy Miller (Featured in Sept 08 issue of Eve Magazine & July 09 Prima Magazine)

07525 059 634 suzy@startingovershow.co.uk

High quality photos/images and case studies are available on request

You can download some for free from here…..

Estelle Williams, Lucy Wintle and Paul Sandford  – trained and ordained Interfaith ministers. Non denominational ministers here to serve people of all faiths, or none.

Following our ordination our friendship grew as did our commitment to serving all people regardless of their religion beliefs or sexual orientation; and this led to the creation of what we have to offer via “Rhythm- of- life”.

Experienced in world traditions, ritual and prayer, we create ceremonies and provide services that will uplift and inspire. Our Interfaith ceremonies and services are personalised, warm, creative and memorable; and will reflect your own values, beliefs and intentions.
We embrace all faiths and spiritual practice, and are open to both religious and non religious ceremonies.

We have an extensive knowledge of readings, poems, quotes, vows, music and ritual; and a breadth of experience in creating and facilitating ceremonies. 
Whether spiritual, religious or secular we can provide guidance and a helping hand to create a ceremony that will reflect who you are and what you want to say.

Furthermore, we consider our role to be an enormous privilege. We really enjoy making the experience all it can be for all concerned.

http://www.rhythm-of-life.org.uk

Petra isn’t known for her philandering. A number of male swans attempted to make her acquaintance in the two years preceding December 2007 – but Petra rejected them all, for she was in love with a plastic swan-shaped pedal boat.

The romantic escapades of the black swan hit headlines around the world last year when she began following a white pedal boat around on the lake where she lived. When winter arrived, she refused to be separated from the boat when workers removed it from the lake for the winter. The local zoo found a place for the swan and the boat to spend the winter together.

But despite Petra’s love and devotion to her unusual choice of mate, and our own human desire to believe in life long commitments between creatures other than ourselves, it has been discovered that five percent of whooping swan pairs end in divorce, and as many as 1 in 10 pairs of mute swans split up.

Unlike with humans, the swans’ divorce process seems not to dissolve into years or rancour, unhappiness and debt.

One of the objectives of the Starting Over Show (the UK’s first divorce fair) taking place on 15 March in Brighton this year, is to provide the information and the inspirational support human beings need when going through relationship break ups. “We can’t help swans who are getting divorced” admits Suzy Miller, the shows producer, “but we can try to reverse the stigma over break up and help people feel supported through the process. If even swans can sometimes need to change partners, we shouldn’t make humans feel like failures because they haven’t made their relationship work for an entire lifetime.”

Swans, Wikipedia tells us, usually mate for life. Divorce, though, the entry goes on, “does sometimes occur, particularly following nesting failure.” Which perhaps explains why Petra, the famous black swan from the German town of Münster, finally ditched her boyfriend for a new beau. It is, after all, difficult to nest with a giant, plastic pedal boat.

Not many nests are wrecked by the rigours of the credit crunch, so what does drive this icon of romance, the swan that `mates for life’, to divorce? Biologists are scrutinizing bird families, from courtship to breakup, with new interest these days. For years, scientists assumed that birds which nested together pretty much stayed together without slipping off to visit alluring neighbours. In the 1980s, however, DNA analyses of nestlings revealed that the male who helps tend them is not always their genetic father. “A lot of birds are having a bit on the side,” says Jeffrey M. Black of the University of Cambridge in England, “so many theories about evolution and social behaviour have been turned on their heads.”

From this upset, studies of feathered divorce have begun to emerge. “I think you’re going to see a lot more,” Black predicts. Many researchers use the term “divorce” for paired birds that separate or fail to reunite during the next breeding opportunity. When the word first showed up in ornithology papers, “there was an uproar,” Black remembers. However, ornithologists didn’t seem to take to such proposed alternatives as “severance,” “breakage,” “dissolution,” or that masterpiece of neutrality, “nonretainment.”

Black has collected estimates of divorce rates in more than 100 species of birds. The percentage of pair bonds that break ranges from nearly 100, in house martins and greater flamingos, to roughly zero in Australian ravens and the waved albatross. Humans, who divorce in 40 to 50 percent of new marriages in the United States and are predicted to reach such levels in the UK, fall into the same range as the masked booby. Divorce rates differ not only among species but among different populations of the same species, much as humans in Hove untie the knot at a higher rate than those in Cheshire.

The frequency of deserting females does not surprise Andre Dhondt of the Cornell University Laboratory of Ornithology, who compares relative investments in reproduction. “There is more at stake for females than males,” he points out. To find out who benefits from a divorce, Dhondt has tallied the number of subsequent offspring of divorced male and female blue tits. “Typically, females improve their breeding success, but the males don’t,” he reports.

The singles scene can be tough for some species. Among red-billed gulls in a region with few males, 32 percent of females that lose their mates through death or divorce never breed again. Long-time gull watcher James A. Mills of Corning, N.Y., who reports that number, notes that some of these loners lived 10 more years.

“Luckily, humans don’t have to rely on being able to reproduce to find a happy partnership., comments Suzy Miller. But we do need a great deal of practical and emotional support to help us start over successfully when things don’t work out.” In humans, second or third-time around UK divorces have doubled since 1981, say official statistics. According to the Office for National Statistics, one in five of all couples divorcing in 2005 already had one marriage break-up behind them.

But there is hope yet – apparently, Bewick’s swans never separate. Well… almost never.

To find out more and secure tickets for the Starting Over Show go to: http://www.startingovershow.co.uk, or visit the SOS Village resource site at www.sos-village.org.

Sources:

http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/0,1518,523762,00.html

When Birds Divorce  Who splits, who benefits, and who gets the nest By Susan Milius
http://www.netpets.org/birds/newsroom/divorce.html

Jeffrey M. Black, Cambridge University, Department of Zoology, Downing St. Cambridge CB2 3EJ England
Andre A. Dhondt, Cornell University, Laboratory of Ornithology, 159 Sapsucker Woods Rd, Ithaca, NY 14850