Divorce Agony Aunt Francine Kaye – June 2011
June 6, 2011 by Suzy
Q : Our Mediation process just keeps breaking down.
We are both so keen to do this without laywers but just keep getting into the same arguments – please help!
A: Well, this does not surprise me ‘Angela’. Both of you are hurt and upset and you are bringing the same upsets to the mediation as you had in your relationship. Unless you can control your emotional temperature, you’ll repeat the same patterns whilst hoping for a different outcome. The chances are you will end up spending thousands of pounds with lawyers when all you really need is some very simple skills to cope with your conflicts.
When your partner says something that you feel you want to justify and defend, take a deep breath and simply reflect back what he is saying. Something like ‘so what you are saying is… ‘, and repeating back what he is saying, will allow him to experience being listened to. You don’t have to agree with him.
Then when its your turn to speak, he is more likely to take a moment to listen to you. Imagine being able to talk so your partner will listen an listen so your partner will talk. On the Divorce with Dignity Programme you’ll easily learn how to avoid the upset, energy, time and, of course, the money you are wasting spending your mediation sessions in conflict.
Q:My friends ex husband is using their children as a ‘weapon’ against her.
He is mentally abusive and has been both mentally and physically abusive in their relationship, plus he has the financial power. What can she do?
Your friend must seek legal advice. If she really cannot pay for it, she may get legal aid. Her local library or Citizens Advice Bureau will have details of a local law firm or she can contact suzy@startingovershow.co.uk for an SOS recommendation. If she has access to a computer she can go on line to find legal aid lawyers, or information on DIY divorce.
The truth is that he cannot keep the children from her and if he is threatening her, its much more likely that he is the one who will lose the kids, especially if she can prove abuse against her by him. Whats more concerning is how she allowed herself to be in relationship with a man like this. Both of them played their part in this relationship and when I work with parting couples, (either individually or together) I help them understand what happened, why it happened and what they must do to ensure this never happens again.
It’s incredible work from which you emerge positively, whilst maintaining your dignity, regaining your identity and with the ability to communicate effectively. Visit Divorce With Dignity and get my free report to give to your friend. You’ll be giving her some of the vital skills she needs to rebuild her confidence and stay buoyant during the divorce process.
Q: Does Mediation work for everyone? My partner, with whom I have three children (9. 12, 16) believes the only way to settle our finances and split our properties and the business we run together here and abroad is with expensive lawyers. She says that she believes I will ‘run rings’ round her, which I have no intention of doing. I have had 2 affairs during our relationship and she is very hurt by this and I believe by using a lawyer she will try and take me to the cleaners. How can I convince her that mediation is better for our relationship going forward?
A: Its pretty hard to convince any one of anything when they feel hurt and betrayed. I can hear your intention’s but sadly the trust between you is ground zero right now. Before embarking on mediation you need support to begin a dialogue together to put some foundations of trust in place. Imagine if you were able to enter the mediation process with a genuine understanding of each other. What would it be like for you both if you each of you understood the reasons you both have behaved the way you did during your relationship? And imagine realising that given the way both of you were raised and socialised, it was inevitable that this relationship would break down at some point?
With that kind of understanding it’s hard to place blame on either party. The only way you can make the mediation process work for you is by gaining that level of understanding, lowering your emotional temperature and learning about your own part in this predicament. Only then will you be ready to mediate effectively about your kids, your finances and your business. If you choose to take the Divorce With Dignity Course it will shine a light on your whole relationship. An added bonus is that once you know this stuff, you’ll be your kids best parents ever as well never making the same mistakes again.
Send you questions to our SOS Divorce Agony Aunt to suzy@startingovershow.co.uk
or call Francine Kaye direct on 0208 416 0121
www.francinekaye.com
What is an SOS Road Show?
June 8, 2010 by Suzy
legal & financial powwows – relationship & parenting salons
help me create an empowering resource for people going through divorce and breakup – in every town throughout the UK
free legal, financial and relationship advice, parenting coaches, holistic healers – all in one place to drop in and experience on a Thursday night. Make that happen somewhere near you: answer 3 quick questions so I can strive to bring an SOS roadshow to your town. Click here to take survey
Compulsory marriage vouchers
February 22, 2010 by Suzy
If the State want to cut down the divorce rate, let them provide ‘marriage vouchers’ that must be cashed in before a couple can be legally married.
I think the Government should give ‘marriage vouchers’ to all married couples prior to their wedding, the same as they give vouchers for national health glasses and early years’ schooling. These vouchers should contribute to the cost of:
1/ A relationship coaching session – ideally one that teaches communication skills and a vision board for the shared future, to make sure the couple want the same things.
The vouchers should, in my opinion, definitely NOT be valid for Relate or other forms of ‘counseling’ – there is much confusion over counseling and coaching. Coaching is focused on the future and taking proactive responsibility, irrespective (whilst not in any way ignoring) what has gone on in the past. The choice of which relationship coach the couple uses should be down to them – not from some prescribed government list.
2/ The voucher should also entitle the couple to some sessions with a trained mediator, to create a living together or pre-nup agreement. In a grown up responsible relationship, a couple should be able to agree on how they would split finances and share parenting should the relationship end. It may not sound romantic, but fighting over the spoils in a divorce court lacks romance too.
I think the State has a responsibility to support couples in marriage prior to legally marrying them – especially as the State bears such a high financial cost when marriage breaks down. If you start a new business you can get free help from Business Link – if you start a new marriage you get nothing.
Why should the use of these vouchers be ‘compulsory’ prior to being eligible for a legal civil wedding?
Because I think making the use of the vouchers compulsory would be as sensible as making seat belts compulsory. The State spends a great deal of public money on courts blocked up with fighting couples – and 10% of children from those broken relationships show suicidal tendencies according to recent reports.
The UK divorce laws are a mess and need changing, but changing the law alone will not solve the problem. We need to support couples getting married in the same way we support new businesses.
What do YOU think?
SOS London Makeover: Michelle’s journey….
November 5, 2009 by Suzy
Michelle is taking part in the “SOS London Divorce Makeover”. This means she will benefit from some free advice and inspiration from a selection of our SOS exhibitors who have generously donated their time to show what options and choices are available to someone going through divorce or relationship breakup.
The story begins with Michelle telling us about the complexity and pain of her situation.
Early November 2009
“My husband has petitioned for divorce and I have yet to receive the court paper work. So we are in the initial stages of divorce. We separated on the 27th December 2007, the timing of which, was down to the house opposite ours becoming vacant and available for rent.
My husband moved out of the marital home and into this smaller 3 bedroomed rental property opposite our home, just across a small village green. Many questioned our decision and thought this too close for comfort, but actually the practicality of it worked out very well…
Our marriage failed for a number of reasons. We both tried hard, took advice, and even explored counseling. None of which helped and the marriage was doomed. No-one was to blame for the untimely ending of the marriage, as there were no other persons involved at the time.
Things moved on and we were happy going our separate ways. We agreed good contact with the children (every other weekend and half of the school holidays) from the outset of the separation. Living opposite one another this was really just a basis from which we worked. The children afforded themselves a lot more contact with one or other parent as they wished.
Both my husband and I explored other relationships, both of which failed as I personally felt it was too soon for either party to be involved in another relationship (I know this is how it worked out for me).
Since then, we both have new steady partnerships. We initially agreed to wait the standard two years separation and then opt for a quickie divorce (if there is such a thing).
Things soured between the both of us, after the arrival of his new girlfriend. Her agenda for their relationship was differing to what we agreed and my husband made an application for divorce in recent months.
I no longer live in the marital home due to relocating for a while to care for my terminally ill mother who passed away in March. It was planned I would return to the marital home if/when I returned, however my husband changed that agreement and the marital home is currently still up for sale.
My husband secured another rental property (just round the corner from the marital home) of my limited choice of what was available. Of which he now refuses to pay the rent for and which I can not afford to pay for myself. This has thrown me into the hands of the benefit system and I also now face potential homelessness due to the shortfall in benefit and actually how much the rent costs.
Due to financial restrictions imposed through mediation I am currently planning to represent myself (in court) and have a fixed fee solicitor to complete all the paperwork as respondent.
Mediation was helpful in as much as outlining the finances, but most of what was agreed has now been changed to suit circumstances imposed. This was a costly process for both of us and I now face bankruptcy due to my dire financial situation.
So as the divorce rumbles away in the back ground, my husband and his girlfriend have contact with the children as outlined above and I face the tough job of patching them up emotionally between visits.
My husband’s parents fail to acknowledge me as the children’s mother and after writing them a very heart felt letter I received a very cold response. I now have nothing to do with them, other than encourage the children to call them at least once a fortnight.
In the outset everything was very amicable between my husband and I, now however we no longer speak, unless its of an urgent nature via mobile or the odd email.
I’m not sure if their is a way forward to improve our situation and feel it offers some comfort to his girlfriend if we have no communication.
I’m Bi-Polar and in receipt of incapacity benefit. Although the government in their infinite wisdom feel it’s necessary to apply pressure to me, in the form of getting me back into work, which as I suffer with a mental illness I feel is pretty mad (I can say that being Bi-Polar, its an in joke). Obviously the effects of which contribute to my illness and therefore make the situation worse.
This obviously effects everything around me…as well as my day to day moods etc. I’d like to be able to converse with my husband on an improved level with regards to our two children from our marriage and my daughter from a previous relationship (with whom he has deserted and wants nothing more to do with). He does however see our children on a regular basis.
It saddens me the effect this is having on our children, however after making a number of suggestions (family therapy for us all) I was stonewalled and ignored. I now prefer to control the things within my
power and let go of the things I can’t.
Its hard to actually add feeling to the writing of all of this, however I must add I’m not bitter about the situation, just frustrated by it.
Any advice or an independent outlook would be most welcomed.”
Michelle
So how can we empower Michelle and help her see what choices and options she can access?
We are going to arrange for her to receive information and inspiration from the SOS professionals, and I will be interviewing her about her experiences, and how her thoughts, attitudes and actions are influenced by the advice and help that she receives.
The journey begins…..
Download the pdf here to see full details of Michelle’s SOS Makeover: makeover-michelle-mathias-5-nov-09
Thursday 12 November 09
Michelle receives the following email from SOS coach Julie Jones of Changes Forever. Julie prepares Michelle for the journey she is about to begin:
Dear Michelle,
I am so thrilled that you are having a day especially for YOU and I very much look forward to welcoming you here on 19th November.
I am not sure if you have received my kind of coaching before but it needs to be experienced to realise its full potential and is designed to help address any specific personal issues, business projects or general conditions of your life that need improving. It involves honest and open discussion and is completely confidential.
The session will be for 2 hours: In the first hour we will explore your wheel of life, and use the second hour to work on the specific issues you have identified.
Your coach will be me Julie Jones and I am based in my cosy pink coaching room, where we will start with the Wheel of Life. In ancient Chinese philosophy they talk about a wheel running smoothly. By completing this exercise you will see if your wheel is a bit bumpy in places making your life journey a bit uncomfortable!
It’s worth repeating from time to time to see where you’re going and identify if things are moving in the right direction. We usually suggest every 6 months although sometimes the wheel can change daily!
Initial Exploration/Coaching Session
The aim of the session is to enable you to move forward with whatever you decide is the most pressing issue: you will spend some time identifying an area you specifically want to work on setting a goal and by the end you will have created a plan on a way forward using the options you have identified.
You will be comfortable and not disturbed and it is best if your mobile phone is switched to silent prior to the session.
You will be able to spend a couple of minutes before the session relaxing and thinking about you and what you may like to talk about. It is useful to have a pen/pencil and something to write on during the session and a soft drink to sip on will be provided
I feel very privileged to have been asked to work with you on what I feel will be an exciting part of your journey, before we head off into London for your meeting with Suzy and the team in Covent Garden.
Warm wishes
Julie Jones
Founder and Relationship/ Lifestyle Coach
Changes Forever
Tel: 01462 643695
Mobile: 07967 135 870
‘Making relationships work for you…at home, work, with yourself and in life’
Accredited Life Coach with Coaching & Mentoring International
We must ban divorce! (letter to The Times)
September 26, 2009 by Suzy
I have received the draft of a letter which I lay out below from an individual who is very much against divorce, to the point that he feels we should ban it altogether…….
Ban Divorce I say! (Letter to The Times) by Lord Goebbles-Glaxo-Smith
Bravo I say to that John Marcotte chappy who is defying the myth that Californians are a bunch of liberal untrustworthy hippies, and instead he is fighting the good fight to ban that abomination of our modern times – Divorce! And bravo to my good friend Lady Preach for her intelligent speech the other day about female celebrities who take their husband’s to the cleaners and suggestion that we banish them to an island where they can live out their miserable lives on a 24 hour TV reality show.
If only we could turn back the clock and cleanse our society of this aberration enshrined in our legal system, then we never again would be forced to listen to that blonde woman with the large breasts singing D-I-V-O-R-C-E as we struggle to turn back to Radio 3 whilst negotiating a particularly tricky bend driving the Bentley to the family estate in the Cotswolds. An estate torn apart by the destructive and unforgivable legal decision that left my Ex wife with more than I wanted her to have.
A study recently of 8,652 people between the ages of 51 and 61 found those who were divorced or widowed had 20% more chronic health problems than those who were still married. Well, there you have it – getting divorced is unconstitutional because it causes cancer. If these liberal scallywags are going to fine me every time I forget to put a seatbelt on, then surely they should protect my pocket – I mean health – by making divorce a capitol offence?
“Divorce has a lingering, detrimental impact on health that even remarriage cannot fully repair”, the Chicago study suggests. And that must be true, because my remarriage to a stonking rich society girl has not in anyway cured my persistent gout, which is clearly down to the trauma I suffered from that witch, who once had the honour of being known as `Lady Goebbles-Glaxo-Smith’.
All this fuss about Viagra being at the centre of divorce cases because it encourages men to cheat on their wives. For goodness sakes, we don’t need drugs to do that! And when you consider that (according to the Grant Thornton divorce survey of 2008) that in 91% of cases women filed for the divorce, the main reason consistently being ‘extra marital affair’, then it is clear to even an idiot that if women don’t want their husbands to do what comes naturally to any full blooded male, then they should become lesbians – which I believe to be legal in this country.
Let us get back to how it was in the good old days, and blessed be the political party that returns us to true old fashioned family values. At the very least we could return to the more enlightened times prior to 1960 when the divorce rate was very low, mainly because it took 7 years to get one – which gave those unlucky enough to be subject to such a humiliation time to redirect a few funds here and there and make sure the villa in Spain was safely in the hands of one’s Nephew, who hates the sun and can’t swim.
And what about the psychological issues, eh? Compared with no disorder, those with a psychiatric disorder are more likely to be separated or divorced (14 per cent compared to 7 per cent). They are less likely to be married or cohabiting (62 per cent compared to 67 per cent).
There once again is a clear reason for banning divorce altogether. What are we going to do with all those mentally ill people who don’t have a wife or husband to care for them? Wandering the streets, that’s what – are we not supposed to be a caring society? Make them stay married, I say. The upper classes have been putting up with mad spouses for centuries – why should the commoners have it better than us?
Some of those liberal ‘collaborative’ lawyers down the club have been trying to convince me that the current laws need changing – but they seem to want to make it even easier to get divorced! “Why is it that we aim to encourage parties to put the past behind them and yet we start by insisting that 65% present issues of fault (84,129 out of 128,290)? “ They winge. “Our laws are now almost 40 years old (the 73 act was a slight remodelling of the 69 act) and we must reform!” I agree we should reform, but several brandies later I was still unable to shift my deep conviction that when a man marries a woman she is his for life, and if he really must get rid of her, there is always the “Oh I didn’t see her standing behind me when I backed the Bentley out of the garage” routine.
The fact is that first marriages have halved since 1970 whereas re-marriages have doubled. This means that people clearly like being married, they just don’t seem to be very good at sticking to the same partner.
It’s really not hard to stay with the same person year in year out as long as you approach it from an intelligent, and moral perspective. Separate rooms – houses if you can afford it – allow for privacy and individual pursuits. And I suggest also a ‘mission statement’ placed prominently on the fridge, inspired by the John Marcotte t-shirt I bought off Facebook: “Till death us do part – and you’re not dead yet”.
Yours most sincerely,
Lord Goebbles-Glaxo-Smith
Blog: www.oldfashionedfamilyvalues(mine).com
a different pair of shoes
September 18, 2009 by Suzy
How do you begin to change negative attitudes about divorce? Seems a bit ambitious – even crazy. And what’s the point of even trying anyway?
When I stuck my new Iphone in the faces of three of my friends and video’d them, I asked them a question they had never been asked before.
“Say something nice about your Ex” I demanded. The result was not only a two minute short film, but as they wrestled with the subject matter this was a learning experience for me too.
Although I included myself in the film – and after six years of being separated from my kid’s father found it no problem to find good things to say about him – it was having to prompt my friends to follow suit that reminded me of why I, and ultimately they, succeeded in this endeavor.
You see, there’s a trick to it. You have to forget about yourself for a minute. Forget about the pain you suffered or even what disruptions, annoyances or downright fury your Ex may still be able to elicit from you – and instead, to just see them as a person unconnected to yourself. As an individual, another human being like anyone else. It’s a bit like putting on a different pair of shoes – standing in them and seeing everything from a completely different perspective because you are feeling ‘different’ to your normal self. (Ok, perhaps it’s a girl thing, but you get the idea).
And then, suddenly, it becomes quite easy to think of at least one good thing to say about your Ex. Maybe even two.
But what’s the point of it? I guess that’s up to the viewer to judge. One woman I spoke to recently, who is currently going through a divorce and not on ‘speaking terms’ with her Ex, viewed the film and said she had been avoiding saying anything about her kids’ father when the children were around. She reflected that perhaps she should try to find some good things to say about him in front of the children – rather than keep him a subject of no discussion – and she felt sad that she had not thought of doing that before.
Coming from someone who is currently enduring some very unhelpful behaviour from her Ex, this was emotional generosity at its best. Not just because she was ‘putting the children first’, but because she had the courage to let go of her own unhappiness for a moment and try on a different pair of shoes.
I believe that if only more couples used counselling and mediation processes more effectively (no offence to Relate, but I’m talking communication skills here, not getting people back together), by learning how to step into another pair of shoes, another viewpoint, and to let go of their own anger, fear, or just plain exhaustion for long enough to see something positive, something real, in a person who was not always as difficult to deal with as they may be at this time – then suddenly a less aggressive and painful divorce would be more likely.
It can be painful to remember the good things about someone when you are still struggling to say good bye to that person. Even years on, being asked to ‘say something nice about your Ex’ can bring up all kinds of emotions that you thought were dead and buried.
The most humbling moment for me in making the film was the final comment made by my friend Andy at the end: “… what makes her the best Ex in the world are the same things that made her the best partner in the world at the time”.
Now, as an ‘Ex’ myself, I can see that is something to aspire to.
Want to be a good Ex? Want to get free legal, financial and wellbeing help to become a good Ex?
Take a look at our fantastic offer for a selected number of couples……
Getting Hitched Information Pack
July 21, 2009 by Suzy
With all the talk from Conservative think tanks about bribing couples to stay married (£40 a week – is that really going to be enough?) and cooling off periods, and suggestions from other comentators on making it harder to get married in the first place, I think they are all barking up the wrong tree. Personally, I don’t think we should do anything that is essentially negative.
Anyone with children knows that punishments and deterrents only have short term effect. Why not make it easier for couples to have a long and happy relationship by creating a ritual around the preparation for marriage which includes, effectively, relationship coaching as well as practical financial and legal advice?
Not an ‘induction course’ but more like a spiritual non denominational rite of passage – taking the relationship onto a higher level – with a load of fantastic life skills weaved into the fabric of it. Just like getting a Home Information Pack when buying a house, couples could get a Getting Hitched Information Pack when they are getting married, a civil partnership or deciding to live together.
If you were to create such a pack, what would you put in it?
Wogan’s Pause For Thought
April 28, 2009 by Suzy
SOS online magazine March 09 Issue
March 4, 2009 by Suzy
Information for divorce and breakup
Inspiration for Starting Over
shared stories
Francine Kaye is known as ‘The Divorce Doctor’ on Channel 5′s ‘The Wright Stuff’ but she has had personal experience at the sharp end and understands what her clients are going through.
Francine provided a relationship workshop at SOS on 15 March which was free to our visitors.
See more about our speakers at SOS including Francine’s workshop here:
See other personal stories here:
free mini book download
7 ways to leave your lover: breaking up without breaking down
sos-7-ways-to-leave-your-lover-breaking-up-without-breaking-down-april-091
sos village information
What is ‘financial mediation’ and how can it help keep us out of court?
Listen to Val Rush interviewed about financial mediation here:
sos village inspiration
A tough divorce experience led Kirsten Gronning to become a coach to help others in her situation, and then to help create the Breakup Angels who will be attending SOS. Breakup Angels is an innovative organisation providing personal relationship support and help, information and advice to men and women in the UK and overseas who are affected by relationship breakdown – before, through and after separation and divorce.
See Kirsten’s personal story here…..
sos live event news
What business can I start whilst holding down a day job and children?
How would you like to introduce your friends to beautiful shoes, healthy chocolate and save them money on their bills – and earn money at the same time?
Well it seems that you can. Read our article on Shoe Queen, Xocai Chocolate and Utility Warehouse here….
financial surgery
Free financial surgery at the Starting Over Show – see who was there and what they were offering
diary of a sole parent
short film: a visual taster of the Starting Over Show March 2009
Click here to see our short film about the March 2009 SOS event: this is the short film we made just prior to the event …
networking links
Wikivorce forums packed with useful advice and guidance
Other great resources for starting over
Need word of mouth recommended professionals to talk to? Free access via CertainShops – professionals online
Promotions:
The Shoe Queen Stunning Sale is causing a frenzy,don’t forget to call 01342 824871 to make sure we have your size!
Why make a will? Or update one due to a change of relationship status?
C.J.H. Consultancy Services can help
In partnership with:
Starting Over Show www.startingovershow.co.uk All the things you need to know about breaking up and starting over in one SOS Useful Information Honest Communication Personal Transformation Starting Over Show is part of Certain Shops Ltd. Tel: 0208 8167281 Textphone 18001 0208 8167281 www.certainshops.com Registered in England & Wales Company no. 5685386 VAT no. 880175810 Registered office North Park Lodge South Street East Hoathly Lewes E Sussex BN8 6DS
podcasts of interviews: relationship coach and a mediator
March 4, 2009 by Suzy
Going through divorce or relationship breakup, relationship skills can be in short supply. Here are two people experienced in helping others through life changing experiences using their respective skills, who explain how they work:
Julia Armstrong: Coach, therapist and author
Val & Don Rush: TR resolutions Matrimonial financial mediators
A personal mediation service for divorce/separation settlements. Independent, impartial and no need for solicitors or court appearance.
