podcasts of interviews: relationship coach and a mediator
March 4, 2009 by Suzy
Going through divorce or relationship breakup, relationship skills can be in short supply. Here are two people experienced in helping others through life changing experiences using their respective skills, who explain how they work:
Julia Armstrong: Coach, therapist and author
Val & Don Rush: TR resolutions Matrimonial financial mediators
A personal mediation service for divorce/separation settlements. Independent, impartial and no need for solicitors or court appearance.
Even Swans sometimes get Divorced
February 9, 2009 by Suzy
Petra isn’t known for her philandering. A number of male swans attempted to make her acquaintance in the two years preceding December 2007 – but Petra rejected them all, for she was in love with a plastic swan-shaped pedal boat.
The romantic escapades of the black swan hit headlines around the world last year when she began following a white pedal boat around on the lake where she lived. When winter arrived, she refused to be separated from the boat when workers removed it from the lake for the winter. The local zoo found a place for the swan and the boat to spend the winter together.
But despite Petra’s love and devotion to her unusual choice of mate, and our own human desire to believe in life long commitments between creatures other than ourselves, it has been discovered that five percent of whooping swan pairs end in divorce, and as many as 1 in 10 pairs of mute swans split up.
Unlike with humans, the swans’ divorce process seems not to dissolve into years or rancour, unhappiness and debt.
One of the objectives of the Starting Over Show (the UK’s first divorce fair) taking place on 15 March in Brighton this year, is to provide the information and the inspirational support human beings need when going through relationship break ups. “We can’t help swans who are getting divorced” admits Suzy Miller, the shows producer, “but we can try to reverse the stigma over break up and help people feel supported through the process. If even swans can sometimes need to change partners, we shouldn’t make humans feel like failures because they haven’t made their relationship work for an entire lifetime.”
Swans, Wikipedia tells us, usually mate for life. Divorce, though, the entry goes on, “does sometimes occur, particularly following nesting failure.” Which perhaps explains why Petra, the famous black swan from the German town of Münster, finally ditched her boyfriend for a new beau. It is, after all, difficult to nest with a giant, plastic pedal boat.
Not many nests are wrecked by the rigours of the credit crunch, so what does drive this icon of romance, the swan that `mates for life’, to divorce? Biologists are scrutinizing bird families, from courtship to breakup, with new interest these days. For years, scientists assumed that birds which nested together pretty much stayed together without slipping off to visit alluring neighbours. In the 1980s, however, DNA analyses of nestlings revealed that the male who helps tend them is not always their genetic father. “A lot of birds are having a bit on the side,” says Jeffrey M. Black of the University of Cambridge in England, “so many theories about evolution and social behaviour have been turned on their heads.”
From this upset, studies of feathered divorce have begun to emerge. “I think you’re going to see a lot more,” Black predicts. Many researchers use the term “divorce” for paired birds that separate or fail to reunite during the next breeding opportunity. When the word first showed up in ornithology papers, “there was an uproar,” Black remembers. However, ornithologists didn’t seem to take to such proposed alternatives as “severance,” “breakage,” “dissolution,” or that masterpiece of neutrality, “nonretainment.”
Black has collected estimates of divorce rates in more than 100 species of birds. The percentage of pair bonds that break ranges from nearly 100, in house martins and greater flamingos, to roughly zero in Australian ravens and the waved albatross. Humans, who divorce in 40 to 50 percent of new marriages in the United States and are predicted to reach such levels in the UK, fall into the same range as the masked booby. Divorce rates differ not only among species but among different populations of the same species, much as humans in Hove untie the knot at a higher rate than those in Cheshire.
The frequency of deserting females does not surprise Andre Dhondt of the Cornell University Laboratory of Ornithology, who compares relative investments in reproduction. “There is more at stake for females than males,” he points out. To find out who benefits from a divorce, Dhondt has tallied the number of subsequent offspring of divorced male and female blue tits. “Typically, females improve their breeding success, but the males don’t,” he reports.
The singles scene can be tough for some species. Among red-billed gulls in a region with few males, 32 percent of females that lose their mates through death or divorce never breed again. Long-time gull watcher James A. Mills of Corning, N.Y., who reports that number, notes that some of these loners lived 10 more years.
“Luckily, humans don’t have to rely on being able to reproduce to find a happy partnership., comments Suzy Miller. But we do need a great deal of practical and emotional support to help us start over successfully when things don’t work out.” In humans, second or third-time around UK divorces have doubled since 1981, say official statistics. According to the Office for National Statistics, one in five of all couples divorcing in 2005 already had one marriage break-up behind them.
But there is hope yet – apparently, Bewick’s swans never separate. Well… almost never.
To find out more and secure tickets for the Starting Over Show go to: http://www.startingovershow.co.uk, or visit the SOS Village resource site at www.sos-village.org.
http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/0,1518,523762,00.html
When Birds Divorce Who splits, who benefits, and who gets the nest By Susan Milius
http://www.netpets.org/birds/newsroom/divorce.html
Jeffrey M. Black, Cambridge University, Department of Zoology, Downing St. Cambridge CB2 3EJ England
Andre A. Dhondt, Cornell University, Laboratory of Ornithology, 159 Sapsucker Woods Rd, Ithaca, NY 14850
Award winning storytellers help divorcees
February 5, 2009 by Suzy
Storytelling is a healing art and stories can be heard all around the UK during this National Storytelling Week, which was conceived in the year 2000 AD to increase public awareness of the art, practice and value of oral storytelling.
National Storytelling Week It is held during the first week of February every year, and at least one of those storytellers, Madeleine Grove of East Sussex, is going to be also performing at a unique and unusual event in Brighton on 15 March 2009 – the first UK divorce fair.
“Stories speak to us in a direct way” explains Madeleine, an award winning storyteller and registered homeopath practicing in Kent, Sussex, and London. “We absorb truths, teaching, and healing effortlessly when we hear a story. That’s why the great teachers have always used them. “
The Society for Storytelling was set up to promote the oldest art form in the world. “Storytelling is at the root of every art form: we think in story form, make sense of our world in narrative – from something we’ve seen – from last night’s television, to what family and folk stories we remember and retell.”
The Starting Over Show, the first event of it’s kind in the UK, will be visited on March15th by people going through life changing experiences including divorce and relationship breakup. The show’s creator and producer Suzy Miller is a keen fan of storytelling and has herself attended some courses at Emerson College in East Sussex.
Suzy agrees with the view of the Society for Storytelling that: “Performance storytelling can be a powerful experience, both entertaining and moving. Story is also the traditional medium of communication from generation to generation, a tool for education and therapy.”
Madeleine Grove’s work as a homeopath has enforced her belief of the healing effect of stories on adults as well as children:
“In my clinics I find stories so valuable. A patient who may be struggling with health issues can often see the images in a simple tale that can illuminate their own life. For instance? well – there is a Scottish story of a fisherman who found a mermaid and took her home – took off her tale and hid it – years later the mermaid/wife finds her wondrous tale again – puts it on and dives back into her element, back into the sea – never to return to the heart-broken man… A little story like that can open up the imagination and give someone a safe way to look at what ‘parts of themselves’ were left out of a marriage or a relationship and how that may have contributed to the break-down of the partnership.”
Throughout the S.O.S. day at the Old Ship Hotel not far from Brighton pier, Madeleine will be joined by at least one other storyteller relating tales to illuminate each of the Stages of Relation Breakdown Recovery – Starting Over Stories.
In 2007 the seventh year of National Storytelling Week there were 1,040 events held throughout the country.
To find out more and secure tickets for the Starting Over Show go to: http://www.startingovershow.co.uk, or visit the SOS Village resource site at
www.sos-village.org.
END
Contacts:
Suzy Miller 07825 222 404 suzy@startingovershow.co.uk
Featured in Sept 08 issue of Eve Magazine
Suzi Christie/Blueberry PR suzi@blueberry-pr.co.uk 01435 830031
High quality photos/images and case studies are available on request
Sources and links:
Suzy Miller (featured in September 08 Eve Magazine) is the creator of the Starting Over Show, an event designed to give people going through relationship breakdowns access to a wide range of resources and specialists who can help them break up without breaking down. The SOS event takes place at the Barcelo Old Ship Hotel in Brighton on 15 March 2009 and will include a workshop with Divorce Doctor Francine Kaye and a talk by Daily Mail columnist Anna Pasternak (Daisy Dooley Does Divorce)
Starting Over Show
The Starting Over Show will be held in Brighton at the Barcelo Old Ship Hotel on Sunday 15 March 2009. It is the first UK event designed to help people bounce back from relationship break ups and life crises. It will be a safe haven in which soon-to-be singletons can take professional advice to build the confidence and skills they need to go it alone. The philosophy behind the show is useful information, honest communication, personal transformation.
www.startingovershow.co.uk
Suzy Miller has also created an independent, non-commercial online resource hub – the SOS Village http://www.sos-village.org which allows people to access a range of resources and to share personal stories to help them through a break up.
Madeleine Grove is an award-winning storyteller – winner of The Golden Argus Angel Award for artistic excellence at the Brighton Fringe Festival 2007 for ‘Psyche and Eros’ – a storytelling and musical extravaganza*.
For further information about Madeleine’s work and up-coming workshops in England and Crete visit www.madeleinegrove.com
Society for Storytelling http://sfs.org.uk
The Society for Storytelling was set up to promote the oldest art form in the world. Storytelling is at the root of every art form: we think in story form, make sense of our world in narrative – from something we’ve seen – from last night’s television, to what family and folk stories we remember and retell. Performance storytelling can be a powerful experience, both entertaining and moving. Story is also the traditional medium of communication from generation to generation, a tool for education and therapy. The deaf community carry their stories in the palm of their hands and write them in the air. For visually impaired people, storytelling is a natural accessible medium that stimulates all the senses of the imagination.
The Society for Storytelling seeks through National Storytelling Week to give all elements of the tradition their voice.
National Storytelling Week was conceived in the year 2000 AD to increase public awareness of the art, practice and value of oral storytelling. It is held during the first week of February every year.
This week was chosen because it is not too close to Christmas and coincides with Candlemas, which falls on the 2nd of February. Part of the rituals for this old church festival includes a blessing on the throat, a prime tool in the store of nearly all storytellers of every belief and culture.
The first publicity for National Storytelling Week is issued now to national and local media in the late spring. This allows for teachers and others who perhaps need a greater length of time to prepare their ideas for events. Other Press Releases follow in late summer and early winter as the build up grows. Indeed throughout the months of December and January each year the Society for Storytelling is deluged with post and emails of interest and participation in this rapidly growing national event. In 2007 the seventh year of National Storytelling Week there were 1,040 events held throughout the country.
Don’t let divorce mess up your career
February 1, 2009 by Suzy
Nicola’s starting over story
I started divorce proceedings in January 06 after my husband came home one weekend in December and announced – quote – ‘I want children but not with you. There’s no-one else’. He disappeared back to Plymouth the next day. I believed him for a few weeks, the epitaph of 12 years together – me being an unsuitable mother for his future children – hanging around my neck like a millstone. That is, until First Direct bank informed me he’d withdrawn cash in Birmingham when he said he’d been in Plymouth. Ironically, they sent me the apology letter, so I guess they were responsible for me initiating my divorce.
I was a year into my degree at that time.
My husband had arranged for me to complete a placement in Plymouth, where he was based. One emergency NHS loan later and I went to Devon to complete my placement, much to his chagrin.
Things turned acrimonious quickly. Although my husband promised to support me through the degree, he soon started to cut money off.
My husband offered me a cash sum in May 06, which was less than 50% of the equity in our house. He was furious when I didn’t accept his offer. He then refused to sign my NHS bursary form – his signature was required as we were still married. In the end, his CO intervened and took it to the post office himself.
We had a house in Hampshire which we rented out and the proceeds paid for my rented accommodation in Manchester. He’d apparently forged my signature on a letter to our tenants, relinquishing my role as landlady and arranging for the rental income to be paid directly to him.
Faced with the prospect of homelessness, I felt I couldn’t continue with my degree on several occasions. My wonderful family and friends and supportive University staff helped me through the dark times. I was on track to get a first and whilst it was so near, the stress of his behaviour took its toll. My willingness to continue turned on a sixpence. However, At the AR hearing, the judge ordered my husband to pay the money back and to continue to pay my rent until after I was expected to graduate.
I graduated in July 2008 with First Class Honours. I was also awarded the prize for best student in the year which meant the world to me. It was the happiest day of my life. I really didn’t think I’d make it.
“If my story can help others then please feel free to use it.
I really believe my now-ex was jealous of my achievements and took every opportunity to thwart my chances of success. I’m an ordinary person and if I can do it, I’m sure others can! I know I would have had more faith if I’d seen or heard that someone else in my situation had made it.
Kind regards,
Nicola.”
Share your inspirational story with us.
Contact sos@startingovershow.co.uk
Divorce statistics
January 25, 2009 by Suzy
Wokingham with 38.6 per cent has the highest proportion of women lone parents in full-time work.
• Almost half of all marriages in England and Wales will end in divorce.
• At least one child under 16 is affected in 53% of all cases, with nearly two-thirds of them being under 11.
• Since 1997 average age of divorce has risen from 40.2 to 43.7 years for men and from 37.7 to 41.2 years for women, partly due to the rise in age at marriage.
• The highest rate of divorce is among men and women in their late twenties.
Source: www.statistics.gov.uk
Did you know….?
That there are 21.7m married people in England & Wales 2008: ONS population estimates (Nov 2009)
There are 132,361 divorce petitions in England & Wales 2009 http://www.justice.gov.uk/publications/docs/court-stats-quarterly-q1-jan-mar-2010.pdf
In cases of private law 133,780 children were involved in 2009 England & Wales http://www.justice.gov.uk/publications/docs/court-stats-quarterly-q1-jan-mar-2010.pdf
(Note: *Figures relate to the number of children subject to each application. Siblings are all counted individually. The actual number of children involved will be lower than recorded due to multiple counting. If multiple applications for one child are made, these are all counted separately. The actual number of cases in the system will be less as multiple orders and siblings in a family may be dealt with in one case)
Mediation can be a cheaper and less acrimonious alternative to the court process:
When the requirement to consider mediation was made mandatory for the legally aided sector, the number of publicly funded mediations rose year on year from approximately 400 in 1997 to over 14,300 in 2009.
We also know that the success rate of publicly funded mediation starts is approximately 70% (full and partial success).
(Ministry of Justice)
pdf National Statistics 45% divorce rate: 45-divorce-rate
Our research suggests the following:
That new singles will spend more on financial and wellbeing services than their married counterparts
An ongoing survey by professional service directory ‘CertainShops – Professionals Online’ supports anecdotal evidence that, following a relationship break up people are more likely to buy new properties, update their wills and insurances, and spend money on themselves.
Results to date show that in the three years following the break up of a relationship:
26.5% rented a property more than once
36.7% bought a new property
51.0% went on a foreign holiday more than once
27.3% joined a gym
20.0% changed their appearance
35.3% changed their job
Financial advice and legal advice were considered ‘definitely important’ for people going through a relationship break up (53.1% and 50% respectively) with well-being advice also as a definite at 45.5%. The highest score for ‘definitely important’ was 82.8% for ‘people to listen to them sympathetically’.
Nearly one in four (22.9% or 2,672,000) dependent children in England and Wales live in lone-parent families, 91.2% of which are headed by the mother. More than 1 in 10 dependent children live in a step-family (1,284,000). The majority (65%), though, live with both natural parents.
Great Britain. Office for National Statistics. (2002) Social focus in brief : children (PDF). London: Office for National Statistics.
Britain has 2.7 divorces per 1,000 of the population, compared with a European average of 1.8, according to Government figures in the study.
Italy had the lowest rate at 0.6 divorces, while Spain registered 0.9, France 2.0, Austria 2.2, Germany 2.3 and Finland alongside Britain on 2.7.
The high divorce rate, combined with the growth of cohabitation and illegitimate births, resulted in Britain recording the highest proportion of children living in one-parent families.
More than a quarter of children in Britain now live in single-parent families, compared with a European average of 14 per cent. It is six per cent in Greece, 12 in Austria, 13 in France, 14 in Germany and almost 15 per cent in Belgium.
(Broken Heart’s Report 2002)
the average age at divorce continues to rise, from 40.9 for men and 38.4 for women in 1999 up to 41.3 and 38.8 respectively in 2000.
(ONS)
‘Must Do’s’ for 2009
January 24, 2009 by Suzy
A fantasitic list of things we all must do more of in 2009, especially if we are coping with life changing situations or stuck in a rut, or dealing with divorce, family break up or redundancy.
25 THINGS FOR 2009
1 – Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2 – Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day (buy a lock if you have to)
3 – Live with the 3 E’s: Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
4 – Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did in 2008.
5 – Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
6 – Dream more while you are awake.
7 – Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat fewer foods that are manufactured in plants.
8 – Drink plenty of SuperGreens – and eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
9 – Try to make at least 3 people smile each day.
10 – Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
11 – Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
12 – Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper.
13 – Smile and laugh more.
14 – Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
15 – Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
16 – You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
17 – Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
18 – Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
19 – Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”
20 – Forgive everyone everything.
21 – What other people think of you is none of your business.
22 – Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
23 – However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
24 – Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
25 – The best is yet to come.
Thanks for this list goes to:
Kevin P. Brogan, CEO & President, InnerLight Worldwide Inc. www.innerlightinc.com
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. - Marianne Williamson
Free divorce & relationship advice
January 6, 2009 by Suzy
Free downloadable short e-books with valuable advice and shared experiences on the subject of divorce and relationship break down.
7 stages of relationship breakdown recovery
sos-7-stages-of-relationship-breakdown-recovery
7 ways to break up without breaking down
sos-7-ways-to-leave-your-lover-breaking-up-without-breaking-down
7 things NOT to do when getting divorced or breaking up
sos-7-things-not-to-do-when-getting-divorced
Survey: breaking up
December 26, 2008 by Suzy
In this time of financial stress, how do people behave when their relationships break down, and what are the best ways for their friends and families to support them?
For some interesting statistics, see our short survey summary here:
credit-crunch-survey
Credit Crunch Survey
December 26, 2008 by Suzy
In this time of financial stress, how do people behave when their relationships break down, and what are the best ways for their friends and families to support them?
For some interesting statistics, see our short survey summary here:
credit-crunch-survey
Survey and a friend in need
November 19, 2008 by Suzy
7 questions: Serious issues with room for some humour too. A quick and balanced survey I hope.
Help a friend in need this Xmas: tell them about the SOS Village
‘Healthy chocolate’ to be won, and free tickets for SOS to all participants (to give to a friend in need?)
Click Here to take survey
I want to use the SOS event in the spring as a platform to create some positive change, and you completing the survey will really help that to happen. It’s really short and focuses on areas not given (I believe) enough consideration by the national media.
I thank you in advance!
Help a friend in need this Xmas: tell them about the SOS Village
Friends and family going through relationship breakups need emotional and practical support. The SOS Village (www.sos-village.org) is a good place to start. No adverts – just good advice and shared experiences.
There are still some spaces left for mentors and exhibitors at SOS.
The National Press call it “the first UK divorce fair”
We call it the Starting Over Show
All the things you need to know about breaking up and starting over in one SOS
Useful Information
Honest Communication
Personal Transformation
For tickets visit www.startingovershow.co.uk
Starting Over Show is part of Certain Shops Ltd. 72 Medway Drive Forest Row E Sussex RH18 5NX Tel: 0208 8167281 Textphone 18001 0208 8167281 www.certainshops.com e:suzy(at)certainshops.com Registered in England & Wales Company no. 5685386 VAT no. 880175810 Registered office North Park Lodge South Street East Hoathly Lewes E Sussex BN8 6DS
