Divorce Agony Aunt Francine Kaye – June 2011

Q :  Our Mediation process just keeps breaking down.
We are both so keen to do this without laywers but just keep getting into the same arguments – please help!

A: Well, this does not surprise me ‘Angela’.  Both of you are hurt and upset and you are bringing the  same upsets to the mediation as you had in your relationship.  Unless you can control your emotional temperature, you’ll repeat the same patterns whilst hoping for a different outcome. The chances are you will end up spending thousands of pounds with lawyers when all you really need is some very simple skills to cope with your conflicts.

When your partner says something that you feel you want to justify and defend, take a deep breath and simply reflect back what he is saying.  Something like ‘so what you are saying is… ‘, and repeating back what he is saying, will allow him to experience being listened to.  You don’t have to agree with him.

Then when its your turn to speak,  he is more likely to take a moment to listen to you.  Imagine being able to talk so your partner will listen an listen so your partner will talk. On the Divorce with Dignity Programme you’ll easily learn how to avoid the upset, energy, time and, of course, the money you are wasting spending your mediation sessions in conflict.

 

Q:My friends ex husband is using their children as a ‘weapon’ against her.
He is mentally abusive and has been both mentally and physically abusive in their relationship, plus he has the financial power.  What can she do?

Your friend must seek legal advice. If she really cannot pay for it, she may get legal aid. Her local library or Citizens Advice Bureau will have details of a local law firm or she can contact suzy@startingovershow.co.uk for an SOS recommendation.  If she has access to a computer she can go on line to find legal aid lawyers, or information on DIY divorce.

The truth is that he cannot keep the children from her and if he is threatening her, its much more likely that he is the one who will lose the kids, especially if she can prove abuse against her by him.  Whats more concerning is how she allowed herself to be in relationship with a man like this. Both of them played their part in this relationship and when I work with parting couples, (either individually or together) I  help them understand what happened, why it happened and what they must do to ensure this never happens again.

It’s incredible work from which you emerge positively, whilst maintaining your dignity, regaining your identity and with the ability to communicate effectively.  Visit Divorce With Dignity and get my free report to give to your friend.  You’ll be giving her some of the vital skills she needs to rebuild her confidence and stay buoyant during the divorce process.

 

Q:  Does Mediation work for everyone? My partner, with whom I have three children (9. 12, 16)  believes the only way to settle our finances and split our properties and the business we run together here and abroad is with expensive lawyers. She says that she believes I will ‘run rings’ round her, which I have no intention of doing.  I have had 2 affairs during our relationship and she is very hurt by this and I believe by using a lawyer she will try and take me to the cleaners. How can I convince her that mediation is better for our relationship going forward?

A: Its pretty hard to convince any one of anything when they feel hurt and betrayed.  I can hear your intention’s but sadly the trust between you is ground zero right now.  Before embarking on mediation you need support to begin a dialogue together to put some foundations of trust in place.   Imagine if you were able to enter the mediation process with a genuine understanding of each other.  What would it be like for you both if you each of you understood the reasons you both have behaved the way you did during your relationship?  And imagine realising that given the way both of you were raised and socialised, it was inevitable that this relationship would break down at some point?

With that kind of understanding it’s hard to place blame on either party. The only way you can make the mediation process work for you is by gaining that level of understanding, lowering your emotional temperature and learning about your own part in this predicament.  Only then will you be ready to mediate effectively about your kids, your finances and your business. If you choose to take the Divorce With Dignity Course it will shine a light on your whole relationship. An added bonus is that once you know this stuff, you’ll be your kids best parents ever as well never making the same mistakes again.

Send you questions to our SOS Divorce Agony Aunt to suzy@startingovershow.co.uk

or call Francine Kaye direct on 0208 416 0121
www.francinekaye.com

SOS London Makeover: Michelle’s journey….

Michelle is taking part in the “SOS London Divorce Makeover”. This means she will benefit from some free advice and inspiration from a selection of our SOS exhibitors who have generously donated their time to show what options and choices are available to someone going through divorce or relationship breakup.

The story begins with Michelle telling us about the complexity and pain of her situation.

Early November 2009

“My husband has petitioned for divorce and I have yet to receive the court paper work. So we are in the initial stages of divorce.  We separated on the 27th December 2007, the timing of which, was down to the house opposite ours becoming vacant and available for rent.

My husband moved out of the marital home and into this smaller 3 bedroomed rental property opposite our home, just across a small village green.  Many questioned our decision and thought this too close for comfort, but actually the practicality of it worked out very well…

Our marriage failed for a number of reasons.  We both tried hard, took advice, and even explored counseling.  None of which helped and the marriage was doomed.  No-one was to blame for the untimely ending of the marriage, as there were no other persons involved at the time.

Things moved on and we were happy going our separate ways.  We agreed good contact with the children (every other weekend and half of the school holidays) from the outset of the separation. Living opposite one another this was really just a basis from which we worked. The children afforded themselves a lot more contact with one or other parent as they wished.

Both my husband and I explored other relationships, both of which failed as I personally felt it was too soon for either party to be involved in another relationship (I know this is how it worked out for me).

Since then, we both have new steady partnerships.  We initially agreed to wait the standard two years separation and then opt for a quickie divorce (if there is such a thing).

Things soured between the both of us, after the arrival of his new girlfriend. Her agenda for their relationship was differing to what we agreed and my husband made an application for divorce in recent months.

I no longer live in the marital home due to relocating for a while to care for my terminally ill mother who passed away in March. It was planned I would return to the marital home if/when I returned, however my husband changed that agreement and the marital home is currently still up for sale.

My husband secured another rental property (just round the corner from the marital home) of my limited choice of what was available. Of which he now refuses to pay the rent for and which I can not afford to pay for myself. This has thrown me into the hands of the benefit system and I also now face potential homelessness due to the shortfall in benefit and actually how much the rent costs.

Due to financial restrictions imposed through mediation I am currently planning to represent myself (in court) and have a fixed fee solicitor to complete all the paperwork as respondent.

Mediation was helpful in as much as outlining the finances, but most of what was agreed has now been changed to suit circumstances imposed. This was a costly process for both of us and I now face bankruptcy due to my dire financial situation.

So as the divorce rumbles away in the back ground, my husband and his girlfriend have contact with the children as outlined above and I face the tough job of patching them up emotionally between visits.

My husband’s parents fail to acknowledge me as the children’s mother and after writing them a very heart felt letter I received a very cold response. I now have nothing to do with them, other than encourage the children to call them at least once a fortnight.

In the outset everything was very amicable between my husband and I, now however we no longer speak, unless its of an urgent nature via mobile or the odd email.

I’m not sure if their is a way forward to improve our situation and feel it offers some comfort to his girlfriend if we have no communication.

I’m Bi-Polar and in receipt of incapacity benefit. Although the government in their infinite wisdom feel it’s necessary to apply pressure to me, in the form of getting me back into work, which as I suffer with a mental illness I feel is pretty mad (I can say that being Bi-Polar, its an in joke).  Obviously the effects of which contribute to my illness and therefore make the situation worse.

This obviously effects everything around me…as well as my day to day moods etc.  I’d like to be able to converse with my husband on an improved level with regards to our two children from our marriage and my daughter from a previous relationship (with whom he has deserted and wants nothing more to do with).  He does however see our children on a regular basis.

It saddens me the effect this is having on our children, however after making a number of suggestions (family therapy for us all) I was stonewalled and ignored. I now prefer to control the things within my
power and let go of the things I can’t.

Its hard to actually add feeling to the writing of all of this, however I must add I’m not bitter about the situation, just frustrated by it.

Any advice or an independent outlook would be most welcomed.”

Michelle

So how can we empower Michelle and help her see what choices and options she can access?

We are going to arrange for her to receive information and inspiration from the SOS professionals, and I will be interviewing her about her experiences, and how her thoughts, attitudes and actions are influenced by the advice and help that she receives.

The journey begins…..

Download the pdf here to see full details of Michelle’s SOS Makeover: makeover-michelle-mathias-5-nov-09

Thursday 12 November 09

Michelle receives the following email from SOS coach Julie Jones of Changes Forever.  Julie prepares Michelle for the journey she is about to begin:
Dear Michelle,

I am so thrilled that you are having a day especially for YOU and I very much look forward to welcoming you here on 19th November.

I am not sure if you have received my kind of coaching before but it needs to be experienced to realise its full potential and is designed to help address any specific personal issues, business projects or general conditions of your life that need improving.  It involves honest and open discussion and is completely confidential.

The session will be for 2 hours: In the first hour we will explore your wheel of life, and use the second hour to work on the specific issues you have identified.

Your coach will be me Julie Jones and I am based in my cosy pink coaching room, where we will start with the  Wheel of Life.  In ancient Chinese philosophy they talk about a wheel running smoothly.  By completing this exercise you will see if your wheel is a bit bumpy in places making your life journey a bit uncomfortable!

It’s worth repeating from time to time to see where you’re going and identify if things are moving in the right direction.  We usually suggest every 6 months although sometimes the wheel can change daily!

Initial Exploration/Coaching Session

The aim of the session is to enable you to move forward with whatever you decide is the most pressing issue: you will spend some time identifying an area you specifically want to work on setting a goal and by the end you will have created a plan on a way forward using the options you have identified.

You will be comfortable and not disturbed and it is best if your mobile phone is switched to silent prior to the session.

You will be able to spend a couple of minutes before the session relaxing and thinking about you and what you may like to talk about.  It is useful to have a pen/pencil and something to write on during the session and a soft drink to sip on will be provided

I feel very privileged to have been asked to work with you on what I feel will be an exciting part of your journey, before we head off into London for your meeting with Suzy and the team in Covent Garden.

Warm wishes

Julie Jones
Founder and Relationship/ Lifestyle Coach
Changes Forever
Tel: 01462 643695
Mobile: 07967 135 870

‘Making relationships work for you…at home, work, with yourself and in life’

Accredited Life Coach with Coaching & Mentoring International

If California ban divorce – should the UK follow suit?

With the UK divorce laws under attack from Lady Deech and the chances of your marriage failing having much better odds than you winning the lottery, the initiative by John Marcotte to change the law in California to ‘ban divorce’ may be more dangerous than it sounds.

The Starting Over Show - which was the UK’s first ‘divorce fair’ and which hopes one day to take it’s mixture of legal and financial information to the US, along with it’s inspiration to start over whilst keeping on talking terms with your Ex, not surprisingly vehemently opposes such a proposition – but for reasons that we should all be concerned about.

As the Starting Over Show’s creator, I believe that it is a fundamental human right to feel supported and encouraged when you want to move forward from any life changing event, and that to be condemned to going back to a society where abuse and adultery were tolerated, couples slept in separate rooms and ’till death us do part’ was the only way out, this would be the result of any ‘ban’ or attempts to make divorce more difficult. This would also mean that accidentally backing the car over your spouse would become the best option for those no longer willing to accept a life-time of punishment, because their marriage didn’t pan out as planned.

But how real is the threat of public support for banning divorce?

By October 17^th John Marcotte will have heard from the US Secretary of State whether he will be allowed to gather signatures supporting his proposed law to ‘ban divorce’ in California. Marcotte has 4,000 Facebook fans, and close to a thousand dollars in donations. He’s even sold out of T-shirts which read, ” You said, till death do us part, you’re not dead yet.”

Following on from Lady Deech’s accusations that the the old public divorce hearings have been replaced by “an unpleasant inquisitorial procedure designed to establish the husband’s financial position and revials the old law in its depth, length, cost, temptation to lie and humiliation,” and a clear desire to stem the tide of “undeserved millions” being handed out to celebrity wives, is it just possible, that with the more right-wing approach to government likely after the next general election, that such outrageous ideas of banning divorce altogether could take hold in the UK?

The Conservative think tank that produced ‘Every Family Matters’, an in-depth review of family law in Britain, estimated that the direct financial cost of family breakdown in the UK to be in excess of £20 billion pounds per annum. They were also clear about not wanting to currently reform the lack of legal protection for the increasing number of people who cohabit: “we want to encourage a high commitment culture and break the relationship breakdown culture”. This is a significant statement, when you consider that ‘common law marriage’ is a myth and particularly women with children are increasingly finding themselves without any legal rights if their relationship breaks down – unlike their married counterparts. 58% of the YouGov Poll (April 2008 & January 2009) thought that giving cohabitants similar legal rights to marriage would undermine marriage, and 84% agreed that it is important for the law to support marriage.

Surely the simplest way to achieve this is to make divorce more difficult? Is this not what is effectively happening with the stubborn refusal of Government to bring in ‘no fault divorce’ as a standard, irrespective of the (sensible) need for ‘cooling off periods’? Although marriage is undeniably a legal contract that should be respected as such, the very fact that what is essentially an emotional and spiritual matter is not treated as such by the current legal system suggests that for government, marriage is seen as an indicator of a healthy society – or at least one that is behaving as the powers that be wish it to.

More progressive family lawyers, who are increasingly gaining links with mediators or becoming ‘collaborative’ lawyers, approach divorce with more sensitivity to the emotional state of their clients than has traditionally been the case.

The Starting Over Show exhibitors have regular networking meetings so that the lawyers can form trusted relationships with the mediators, divorce coaches and holistic therapists so that they will be better able to refer their clients to specialists who can help make a less combative divorce the primary focus. It’s hard to be nice, or even reasonable, to someone you’re divorcing when you are frightened, confused, don’t have any positive vision for your future and have forgotten that your children deserve you to at least try to be a ‘good Ex’.

I agree with one thing Marcotte says about banning divorce: “What it might do is cause people to really think about it, and really value their marriage while they are in it.” But wouldn’t it be better to encourage people to do that in a more proactive way, rather than punishing them if they get it wrong? The Social Justice Report ‘Every Family Matters’ concludes “that there should be strong government encouragement of couples getting married to take part in high-quality, standardized and accredited pre-marriage information and preparation, delivered in an accessible fashion.” Of course they are right that we should not all go into marriage without a tool-box of skills – such as communication techniques, parenting skills, positive shared visions for the future – but are government the right people to be judging and accrediting how we access those skills? Let’s face it, are we able to find any politicians or government employees to hold up as fine examples, mentors even, of how to have a ‘successful marriage’?

US attorney Kevin Healey says, a “No Divorce” law is unconstitutional and will never happen.
“Anybody can get something before the voters, but I think it will be shot down handily. ” But does Healey have a facebook group of 4,000 fans, many of whom are taking comedy writer John Marcotte’s campaign as a serious suggestion, not as the ‘parody’ that some claim it to be?

Whether it’s pre-marriage support, refusing to provide legal protection for cohabiting couples or making divorce even more difficult and painful than it already is, the political drive to control society in order to reduce that £20 billion pound cost of ‘family breakdown’ needs to be taken seriously.

UPDATE:

California Secretary of State Debra Bowen today authorized the backer of an initiative that would ban divorce to begin collecting signatures to put the proposed constitutional amendment before voters.

John Marcotte now has until March 22, 2010, to collect 694,354 signatures of registered voters in order to get the measure on the ballot next year. The proposal would change the California Constitution to “eliminate the ability of married couples to get divorced in California.”

Couples could still get their marriages annulled under the proposal.

Here is the official text of the initiative:

ELIMINATES THE LAW ALLOWING MARRIED COUPLES TO DIVORCE. INITIATIVE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT. Changes the California Constitution to eliminate the ability of married couples to get divorced in California. Preserves the ability of married couples to seek an annulment. Summary of estimate by Legislative Analyst and Director of Finance of fiscal impact on state and local government: Savings to the state of up to hundreds of millions of dollars annually for support of the court system due to the elimination of divorce proceedings.

References:

New York Times: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2009/10/ban-divorce-ballot-effort-gets-ok-to-gather-signatures.html#comments

Times article on Lady Deech’s speech http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/law/article6832973.ece

Fox40 News

http://www.fox40.com/news/headlines/ktxl-nodivorce,0,5509809.story

Where are the private detectives?

NB: The following article is the sad but true situation underlying the lack of effective divorce law reform that has inspired SOS launching a Divorce Relationship Makeover initiative

With the vast majority of divorces being filed by women, and the most common reason being extra marital affairs, it’s not surprising that the process can easily become litigious, angry, and misery inducing. With ‘blame’ being integral to the process in order to divorce within 2 years thanks to ‘no fault divorce’ still not becoming part of divorce reform, the need for private detectives and DNA testers at the world’s first ever Divorce Fair in Austria in 2007 – a country with a nearly 50% divorce rate – was understandable.

So where were the private investigators and DNA testers at the first UK divorce fair in Brighton this March, and why will there be none exhibiting at the first London divorce fair next Spring?

SOS Brighton and SOS London March 2010 have a different focus, and one not a million miles away from the recent Centre for Social Justice report “Every Family Matters”. SOS does not stand for ‘save our souls’ but ‘Starting Over Show’, and both events not only make clear that Private Detectives will not be exhibiting, but aim to encourage a holistic and non combative approach to divorce and relationship breakup.

As the creator of the Starting Over Shows, I feel that where children are involved, we just have to go against the aggressive divorce culture exacerbated by media hype around angry celebrity breakups, and focus on the positive future we want for ourselves and our children. The focus of our events is not so much about getting through a difficult time – it’s more about starting over by getting the right information and inspiration before all communication breaks down. It’s really about offering hope.

In the Grant Thornton’s Forensic and Investigation Services sixth annual survey, they canvassed the opinions of 70 of the UK s leading family lawyers.

Covering the period 2007 to 2008, the level of cases in which assets are concealed has continued at similar levels to previous years. In such cases, it has been more common for the concealment to be an action of the husband (91% of the cases). In 2008 there were no cases (2% in 2007) of the concealment resulting from the actions of a wife.

Extra marital affairs are cited as the most common reason for divorce in both years. However, worryingly, between 2007 and 2008 there have been a significant increase in the rise of ‘abuse’ and ‘financial worries’ cited as the most common reason for divorce.

As the recession deepens, it is hard to be optimistic about these trends not continuing in the same direction, which makes the lack of legal protection for couples who live together even more of an issue.

All the solicitors surveyed by Grant Thornton have advised on cohabitation agreements over the last year, an increase from 97% in 2007. Yet most couples are unaware that common law marriage is effectively a myth.

With a rise in couples cohabiting, we are seeing a growing number of lawyers demanding clarity and guidance over the issue of cohabitation and couples rights if they do separate. In the eyes of the Courts common law marriage does not hold the same legal rights as it does for married couples, however many cohabiting couples often do not realise this until it is too late.

One in six couples in the UK co-habit – a figure that is predicted to rise to one in four by 2031. This is why Lord Lester has introduced the Cohabitation Bill, which received its second reading in the Lords on 30 July 09.

But let’s not lose our perspective here: the Grant Thornton study reveals that although women continue to file for divorce in 91% of cases, in all but 3% of cases, (up from 2% in 2007), the divorces are not contested.

This means that in the vast majority of cases, the decision to divorce begins with a mutual desire for both parties to end the marriage. So why is there so much misery surrounding the divorce process?

A positive trend which may improve the situation is the rise in the number of lawyers training in collaborative techniques. The Grant Thornton survey shows that the number of respondents trained as collaborative lawyers has increased to 50%, up 2% on 2007 and there has also been an increase in lawyers intending to undergo the necessary training (up to 13% from 11% in 2007).

But who really knows what collaborative lawyers do, or even that they exist?

I’m keen to change that situation. I was amazed to find out only a couple of years ago about collaborative lawyers and financial mediators, not so much because of what they do, but because I never even knew they existed. I want to use the Starting Over Show events as a platform to raise awareness of the wide number of choices open to people facing breakup and divorce.

The Centre for Social Justice Report concludes that: “there should now be strong Government encouragement of couples getting married to take part in high-quality, standardised and accredited pre-marriage information and preparation, delivered in an accessible fashion.”

I believe that much of the information and advice available at the Starting Over Events helps prepare people to not only leave their current relationship with some dignity, but also effectively prepares them for a healthier relationship in the future. You never really know someone till you break up with them – this is something many of us have discovered to our cost.  But it is also true that you can get to know yourself pretty well too. If you can manage to break up well by keeping a long term view, the lines of communication open and maintaining hope, then you will also develop skills that will be valuable in keeping your next relationship healthy and strong.

The Social Justice Executive Summary doesn’t only quote Mr Justice Coleridge’s comments on how the Government “is allowing the whole family justice system to be starved to death”. There is also a quote from ‘Angela, daughter 11, son 10′ – which strikes to core of the matter. “As long as solicitors and Society continue to view divorce and custody as adversarial, ie. That there should be a ‘winning’ and a ‘losing’ side, then the issue of where the children from these relationships should spend their time will be a painful, expensive battleground for those involved.”

A pity perhaps, that the same report does not include recommendations for introducing ‘no fault’ divorce.

References:

Centre for Social Justice: Breakthrough Britain – Every Family Matters

Grant Thornton “Boom or bust for divorce?”

Could be nasty

Heads of state from more than 50 countries have been attending meetings of the Non-Aligned Movement in Egypt.

I saw the news on Twitter and thought “how amazing!  A non-aligned, presumably free thinking organization focused on good ideas rather than tying themselves to some political or social dogma.”

And how relevant it seemed to me at this time, about to be interviewed for the “Ex Files” column in the Observer Women’s supplement.  Because when it comes to relationships, I’m becoming increasingly less influenced by conventional ways of thinking, and learning not to just take relationships and pop them into a nice neat socially acceptable box, and create a Cold War situation where once there was love and harmony.  Especially since the box for ex’s seems to be marked (and not without cause) ‘agent of destruction’.

The diversity of opinions on Twitter was interesting too.  Let’s face it, from a traditional PR point of view, me sticking my relationships into print and not knowing exactly what my ‘ex’ is going to say about me, would be a crazy thing to do and if I had a traditional PR agency managing the Starting Over Show I should be no doubt told to stop being so reckless.

But SOS is just me, and my PR queen is @SuziPR who is amazingly supportive of my desire to just be, well – real.

CourageousLover

@SuzyMiller Fascinating oppotunity – see how you’ve grown/he’s grown. And in print for the public. Good luck.

@CourageousLover has it right – even if I’m being reckless, my ex is being very courageous. It’s one thing to share your stuff with friends, but to have it printed with a full length photo in the Observer Magazine is quite something else.

NeilDenny

@SuzyMiller Wow, I hope that Observer article works out alright. Could be nasty.

@NeilDenny is a Collaborative lawyer and keynote presenter/trainer on how conflict affects us as individuals and organisations – and he was right to point out how risky this article could prove to be.

But somehow, going through relationship breakup leaves one with a certain amount of courage – how can anything else (apart from physical death) be as bad?  And of course, my ex and I are working – slowly – upon finding our way through into a different relationship.  Needing to mediate with ourselves as much as with each other.

The Non-Aligned Movement was born during the Cold War in 1961, aiming to unite countries which officially expressed the wish not to be allied either with the US-led western bloc or the Soviet-dominated eastern bloc.

It now has 118 member states, with 15 observer states, representing two-thirds of the members of the United Nations and half of the world’s population.  But it still struggles to have a voice.

Sometimes a relationship can crumble and bitterness and pain prevails, but given support, opportunity and courage, it can revive and become something else, something non-aligned and even uncomfortable to those who prefer things to stay in a nice neat box, part of a defined movement or belief system.

The interview is tomorrow morning.  Wish me luck.

Wogan’s Pause For Thought

Listen to audio version here:

Hear audio version here….