Luckily, the Starting Over Show Networking Club is also great fun, as you can see from the video……

“Stop giving ex-wives these undeserved millions, says Baroness Deech”.  So screamed the Times Headline on 14 September 2009 as the Baroness gave her controversial views on whether maintenance was appropriate for women who could still go out to work post marriage.

“Housework has to be done, whether single or cohabiting, and for many women giving up a career on marriage is a myth,” revealed the Barnoness. She believes that either it was a career they would have given up “with a sigh of relief with the prospect of being kept” or it is “a free choice to opt for the home rather than the office. The choice to stay at home and care for the children is only possible if the man’s income permits and is far less likely to be available to his second wife.”

But isn’t she missing a vital point here? Of course you can ‘work’ whilst having children to care for, but the quality of that work and the money earned for having to leave earlier than your colleagues, miss days when the kids (or child minder) are ill, have no peace or space or time at home after work to try to catch up so you can keep up with your colleagues – well the truth is you just aren’t going to get the best paid jobs. Your colleagues have the luxury of a take-away on the way home and watching the telly while you have to shoot home and slip into mummy, wife, cook, housekeeper role and still make sure you have something ironed to wear the next day for work.

The Baroness makes some good points about not splitting everything 50/50 after only a short marriage when no children are involved. But what she doesn’t do is seem to place any financial value on the parent who ‘chooses’ to stay at home. This ‘choice’ is normally made by BOTH parents, and for good reason.

When I got life insurance, I had to calculate what it would cost my children’s father to replace me, so that he would be able to have the luxury of carrying on working – you see, my dear Baroness, from a woman’s point of view, being able to apply for any job you like and work the hours you want to get it done is indeed a luxury that many parents don’t have. I was astounded at the amount of money it would cost my kid’s father to replace me.

Add up the cost of the two nannies (they don’t work 24 hour shifts) and childcare (for when the nannies are on holiday, ill, or the working partner wants a night out with their mates), cleaner, taxis to and from school, housekeeper, cook, caterer (for work colleagues round to dinner) etc and times that by the number of years of the marriage. Then add on the fact that the house parent has not followed a career (creating well paid careers around school runs and washing is tricky, I can tell you) and the fact that when the house is sold post divorce when the youngest reaches 18, they have not had time to build up a pension, save for a mortgage deposit (house may not have much equity in it), or buy their own car, then perhaps most women would not feel at all “degraded” to receive maintenance even though they can now begin to compete in the work marketplace.

According to a survey by the networking site www.alljoinon.com in 2008, the average housewife would earn almost £30,000 a year if she was paid the market rate for the chores she does in the home.  Legal & General calculated the value of the tasks performed by a woman in 2006 to be almost £24,500 a year, or over £2,000 a month.This was higher than the national average wage, which was then £23,400, according to the 2005 Annual Survey of Hours and Earnings.

Financial advisors like Barry Browning of Browning Financial, Fiona Monson of Armida and Mark Robinson of Private Wealth Management, all exhibitors at the Starting Over Shows next March, specialize in helping couples create a realistic basis for a settlement.   Those assessments are always going to be different depending upon the couple and their circumstances, but it is important that both of the couple recognize the value of the one who ‘stays home to look after the kids’.

If we are to change the way we assess ‘maintenance’ then we need to begin to talk about a fairer assessment of financial worth of both partners in a relationship, and the choices they make together.
If you combine the reality of the financial worth of a house parent dedicating themselves to being the main carer for the children, and also create Pre-Nups that are guaranteed to be taken seriously by a judge (even if you’re not a foreign millionairess), perhaps we would begin to create that greater sense of fairness.  If the prevailing attitude is that stay at home parents are not effectively adding to the financial pot, by providing and caring for a family, then it will be inevitable that people will haggle bitterly over what money should go to whom if the relationship ends.  And we are not even mentioning here the psychological benefits to children and our society for children to be brought up by parents rather than childcare providers – the undermining of the value of stay at home parenting is a far reaching and pernicious force that goes beyond arguments over maintenance payments.

Instead of focusing on the divorce process and snatching at the spoils, is it not better to guide couples towards a long healthy relationship as Ex’s – which those of us with kids know to be a worthwhile effort made harder by the current legal system. Something which the Starting Over Show actively encourages?

It’s not the multimillion pound awards that are “degrading to women” as Baroness Deech proclaims – it’s the fact that a shared decision to bring up children is still viewed as an ‘easy option’, and most mothers are financially disadvantaged by the divorce unless they happen to be married to a millionaire.  Yes, the dads lose out too financially – but as more fathers choose the house parent role, it’s in everyone’s interests to put a financial worth on the decision to stay home with the kids, if only to use this as a guide in creating fair settlements where the house parent is not left feeling like some kind of sponger ripping off their hard working partner, instead of being recognized as a full financial contributor to the family, particularly in regard to significantly affecting their future career and salary opportunities.

Acknowledgements:

Times Article: http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/law/article6832973.ece

http://www.alljoinon.com/clippings/Alljoinon.Mirror.p25_19.02.pdf

http://www.fool.co.uk/news/comment/2006/c060324d.htm

With the vast majority of divorces being filed by women, and the most common reason being extra marital affairs, it’s not surprising that the process can easily become litigious, angry, and misery inducing. With ‘blame’ being integral to the process in order to divorce within 2 years thanks to ‘no fault divorce’ still not becoming part of divorce reform, the need for private detectives and DNA testers at the world’s first ever Divorce Fair in Austria in 2007 – a country with a nearly 50% divorce rate – was understandable.

So where were the private investigators and DNA testers at the first UK divorce fair in Brighton this March, and why will there be none exhibiting at the first London divorce fair next Spring?

SOS Brighton and SOS London March 2010 have a different focus, and one not a million miles away from the recent Centre for Social Justice report “Every Family Matters”. SOS does not stand for ‘save our souls’ but ‘Starting Over Show’, and both events not only make clear that Private Detectives will not be exhibiting, but aim to encourage a holistic and non combative approach to divorce and relationship breakup.

As the creator of the Starting Over Shows, I feel that where children are involved, we just have to go against the aggressive divorce culture exacerbated by media hype around angry celebrity breakups, and focus on the positive future we want for ourselves and our children. The focus of our events is not so much about getting through a difficult time – it’s more about starting over by getting the right information and inspiration before all communication breaks down. It’s really about offering hope.

In the Grant Thornton’s Forensic and Investigation Services sixth annual survey, they canvassed the opinions of 70 of the UK s leading family lawyers.

Covering the period 2007 to 2008, the level of cases in which assets are concealed has continued at similar levels to previous years. In such cases, it has been more common for the concealment to be an action of the husband (91% of the cases). In 2008 there were no cases (2% in 2007) of the concealment resulting from the actions of a wife.

Extra marital affairs are cited as the most common reason for divorce in both years. However, worryingly, between 2007 and 2008 there have been a significant increase in the rise of ‘abuse’ and ‘financial worries’ cited as the most common reason for divorce.

As the recession deepens, it is hard to be optimistic about these trends not continuing in the same direction, which makes the lack of legal protection for couples who live together even more of an issue.

All the solicitors surveyed by Grant Thornton have advised on cohabitation agreements over the last year, an increase from 97% in 2007. Yet most couples are unaware that common law marriage is effectively a myth.

With a rise in couples cohabiting, we are seeing a growing number of lawyers demanding clarity and guidance over the issue of cohabitation and couples rights if they do separate. In the eyes of the Courts common law marriage does not hold the same legal rights as it does for married couples, however many cohabiting couples often do not realise this until it is too late.

One in six couples in the UK co-habit – a figure that is predicted to rise to one in four by 2031. This is why Lord Lester has introduced the Cohabitation Bill, which received its second reading in the Lords on 30 July 09.

But let’s not lose our perspective here: the Grant Thornton study reveals that although women continue to file for divorce in 91% of cases, in all but 3% of cases, (up from 2% in 2007), the divorces are not contested.

This means that in the vast majority of cases, the decision to divorce begins with a mutual desire for both parties to end the marriage. So why is there so much misery surrounding the divorce process?

A positive trend which may improve the situation is the rise in the number of lawyers training in collaborative techniques. The Grant Thornton survey shows that the number of respondents trained as collaborative lawyers has increased to 50%, up 2% on 2007 and there has also been an increase in lawyers intending to undergo the necessary training (up to 13% from 11% in 2007).

But who really knows what collaborative lawyers do, or even that they exist?

I’m keen to change that situation. I was amazed to find out only a couple of years ago about collaborative lawyers and financial mediators, not so much because of what they do, but because I never even knew they existed. I want to use the Starting Over Show events as a platform to raise awareness of the wide number of choices open to people facing breakup and divorce.

The Centre for Social Justice Report concludes that: “there should now be strong Government encouragement of couples getting married to take part in high-quality, standardised and accredited pre-marriage information and preparation, delivered in an accessible fashion.”

I believe that much of the information and advice available at the Starting Over Events helps prepare people to not only leave their current relationship with some dignity, but also effectively prepares them for a healthier relationship in the future. You never really know someone till you break up with them – this is something many of us have discovered to our cost.  But it is also true that you can get to know yourself pretty well too. If you can manage to break up well by keeping a long term view, the lines of communication open and maintaining hope, then you will also develop skills that will be valuable in keeping your next relationship healthy and strong.

The Social Justice Executive Summary doesn’t only quote Mr Justice Coleridge’s comments on how the Government “is allowing the whole family justice system to be starved to death”. There is also a quote from ‘Angela, daughter 11, son 10′ – which strikes to core of the matter. “As long as solicitors and Society continue to view divorce and custody as adversarial, ie. That there should be a ‘winning’ and a ‘losing’ side, then the issue of where the children from these relationships should spend their time will be a painful, expensive battleground for those involved.”

A pity perhaps, that the same report does not include recommendations for introducing ‘no fault’ divorce.

References:

Centre for Social Justice: Breakthrough Britain – Every Family Matters

Grant Thornton “Boom or bust for divorce?”

Free legal and wellbeing advice surgeries in return for sharing your experience to help others

Are you embarking on the journey of divorce, or still trying to convince yourself – now the decree absolute is through – that it’s all done and dusted?

 There are more ways – positive, proactive and exciting ways – to access legal, financial and wellbeing advice than you might have thought.

Join us for our SOS divorce makeover™ and you can sample the power of financial mediation, collaborative law, parenting advice, style makeovers and other self esteem boosting (and fun!) experiences at the hands of our Starting Over Show exhibitors.  

And if you are willing to share your experiences (not your private lives, just your thoughts and feelings about how these professionals can help you start over) in order to open the eyes of others who also want to ‘start over’ afresh, then you can try out these life changing experiences for free.

If you are interested in being chosen for this ground breaking project, which will involve you being able (at your convenience) to attend legal, mediation, financial, style makeover and relationship surgeries normally amounting to thousands of pounds, (but free to you), please email Suzy ASAP suzy@startingovershow.co.uk

Help others find healthier ways to rebuild their lives – help yourself truly start over in style

Who will be providing this legal, financial and wellbeing  ‘Makeover’?

They’re a great bunch of people, who recognise that this is not about staying friends THROUGH the process (that’s pretty tough and not always very realistic) but it’s more about keeping your integrity when under great pressure, knowing that in only a short few years life could be very much better if you don’t burn all your bridges between now and then.  With the right support at the right time, you can get through a difficult process feeling informed, supported, and let’s face it, you could save a great deal of money too.

We already have two courageous women who are going to share their starting over experience with us, and benefit from a range of inspirational support and good information via our SOS team.

See Michelle’s story here…..

See Liz’s story here……

Real people “Talking about the Ex”….

BBC Radio Sussex Interview including Suzy talking about the SOS Divorce Relationship Makeover

Interview by @Sobk13

A. Couples who want to ‘break up right’ – especially those who have children. People considering break up but wanting to know what is involved. Couples who have got together post divorce but still have legal or financial issues that need sorting out. People who have already got divorced and are looking for the inspiration to really start over. Happily married people who are bringing along ‘a friend in need’ (which is why we provide two tickets for the price of one).

Q. How did you come up with the SOS concept?

A. There are fairs for people getting married, but nothing for those getting divorced – when they need even more support, especially emotional support.  I discovered this when I was breaking up from a 10 year relationship with 3 young children.

Q. Was the SOS in March 2009 the first in the UK?

A. Yes, we were the first.  I knew there would be demand for such fairs and I wanted to set a high standard, an ethical approach, as I feared that other event organizers would focus more on the divorce rather than the starting over, as had been done in the rest of Europe (SOS does not have any Private Detectives firms or DNA testers exhibiting – unlike other ‘divorce fairs’.

Q. What are the SOS Road Shows?

A. SOS Road Shows are local resource-based events, usually taking place on a Thursday evening after work so local residents and employees of local businesses can drop in and experience free legal & financial powwows, parenting and wellbeing salons, and find a better way to start over from divorce and break up.

Q. Why did you begin with an SOS Road Show in Farnham?

A. I create the SOS Road Shows in collaboration with key local firms who effectively sponsor and host a series of local events. My first SOS Road Show is hosted by the Collaborative Family Law Group who are based in the Blackwater Valley on the Surrey/Hampshire border. We felt that Farnham Castle was a fitting venue for our first Road Shows – an uplifting and inspirational venue for an uplifting and inspirational series of events.

Q  Are you planning shows in other parts of the UK?

A. I would love to create SOS events throughout the UK.  It is important that people have access to local support and expertise, which is why the locally based SOS Road Show events will provide a valuable local resource – nationally.

Q. Who are you aiming the show at and does it cater for gay people too?

A. The shows are ideal for anyone considering divorce and wanting to know what is involved, and how to proceed in a way that helps maintain a healthy relationship with their partner irrespective of whether they stay together or not.  SOS is also ideal for couples going through break up or even a few years down the line post-divorce, who have unresolved legal or child access issues, or just feel a bit stuck!  We are an inclusive event and welcome people breaking up from civil partnerships, which is one of the reasons why we chose Brighton as our very first location.

Q. Don’t you think you are profiting from people’s misery?

A. Does a doctor profit from another’s pain because he makes a living by helping others to heal?  Our exhibitors include many who have been through divorce themselves, and are passionate about helping others to go through the process in a healthy and empowering way.

Q. What about people from different religions?

A. As an inclusive event, we welcome all races and religions – fundamentally, divorce and relationship breakup is a process identical to that of bereavement.  Human pain has no cultural or religious boundaries.  Our show includes the presence of non denominational pastors who can give support and spiritual advice to people of any religious background.

Q. Why do you think the first show was such a success?

A. The press and the visitors were expecting a miserable, depressing event – or something that felt very commercial.  They experienced something very different!  Visitors felt relaxed enough to chat with each other and share stories, and they knew they were somewhere brimming over with information, inspiration, and where no one was made to feel like a failure just because their relationship hadn’t worked out as planned.

Q: I’ve heard of some other similar events taking place – are you involved in those?

A. There are some copycat shows happening which demonstrates a real need for such events, but I am deliberately distant from other ‘divorce fairs’ because of the fundamental differences between our approaches.  We are not a ‘divorce supermarket’ – rather, SOS is more like the friendly local organic shop where you can interesting and healthy alternatives to what is on the supermarket shelves. Consequently, the atmosphere of our shows is friendly and relaxed, and there are no private detective agencies (the only UK divorce fair so far that can make that claim).

Q. How do you respond when people say you are helping to promote divorce?

A. No one goes through divorce or relationship break up lightly.  It is one of the most painful and difficult experiences anyone can experience.  The idea that something so painful and difficult could be ‘promoted’ is ridiculous, and a claim that could only be made by those who have never experienced it.  To deny people – thousands of people – easy access to emotional and practical support, which will encourage them to take a non-combative approach to the divorce process, can only be a good thing.

Q. What sort of people are exhibiting at the next events?

A. It’s early days yet, but already we have some great exhibitors.  Jane Orr, The Mystic Housewife, Collaborative family lawyers and mediators, a Wills specialist, a photographer – a holistic mix of inspiration and information.  We have financial experts, relationship experts – including Vena Ramphal, a holistic coach who ‘unwraps the gifts of passion’, and also a private surgery for couples wanting parenting advice and support. Also present will be the interfaith ministers who created such interest at the last events with their ‘letting go’ ceremony.

Q. Why won’t you allow DNA testers or private detectives at SOS?

A. Both professions provide a valuable service – but they are not part of the ethos of ‘starting over’.  We are determined to encourage people to break with tradition and focus on non combative ways to go through break up, keeping a healthy working relationship with each other despite some inevitable low points.

Q How can people exhibit?

A. Contact suzy (at) startingovershow.co.uk or ring her on 07525 059 634.

Q. How can people get tickets and where exactly are the shows?

A. Tickets can be bought online for only £8 from most pages of the www.startingovershow.co.uk website, and we always provide 2 tickets for the price of 1 in case you want to bring along a friend/family member or a new partner.  The first SOS Road Shows are on 11 November 2010 & 10 February 2011 from 5.30pm to 8.30pm at Farnham Castle.

Q What are you doing to promote the shows?

A. We promote the events in a variety of ways, including making some tickets available for free to charities or organizations who see the SOS events as a positive HR resource.  For example, BT and the South East Fire Brigades’ Union gave out the code for free tickets to their staff which reflects their positive approach to their own corporate social responsibility.  The Brighton & Hove City Council and GLA also shared the code for free tickets with their staff.

Q Are you planning more SOS road shows?

A. I would love to put on more shows around the UK, but since I am a single mother of three with only so much time and energy, I plan to invite collaborators to take on the organisation of local SOS events in other parts of the UK as an ideal start-up business opportunity for parents looking for part-time flexible work, whilst maintaining they high quality of experience and strong ethos which is the mark of the Starting Over Show brand.

Those first terrifying tentative steps into dating after 10 years of solid coupledom and 6 years of motherhood seem, looking back on it, like scenes from an old black and white comedy. Not just any old comedy either – one without any sound except the relentless plug of the piano and a plot line that threatened at any time to tumble from absurd humour into a heart-rending tragedy.

And the main narrative of these comedies? Dating sites and speed networking of course – de rigeur for the modern single woman, who wants a wider choice than that offered by the beer soaked local hostelries or the few loan single men brave enough (and smart enough, if they want a ratio of 10 women to 1 man) to Salsa in the village hall. Keeping those delights as part of my ‘social’ life, I took those first bold steps into actual concerted dating via the enticing promise of online shopping for men.

Well to tell the truth, I was harried and coerced into it – having had enormous fun helping my friend create her profile and do pick and mix online, it was only right that I created my own profile and dived in. It all made good sense – using the search facility to avoid guys who are smokers or not interested in children, or who in any way contravene the ‘non negotiables’ list we all need to write for ourselves and stick up on the fridge so we never forget them.

But then there were those horrible gaps when no-one responds, those endless profiles that all begin to sound the same – it was great for reminding me that dating should be a game, fun and involve large doses of humour, but when it came to wanting to seek out a long term life partner it just seemed strangely like taking the long way round.

I’ve attempted to Salsa with men half my height, counselled drunken suitors in the local pub, snogged a lovely man at a bus stop thinking “my god I’m 40 what if someone sees me?” and then remembered that these are things I didn’t do enough of when I was 20. Dating sites led to many conversations but only a couple of dates, mainly because of fear and finding too many things wrong about someone by just reading their profile, and being in too much of a hurry.

So I’m beginning to think about the old fashioned way – matchmaking. And I guess that is what a modern dating agency provides. The cost initially put me off, but then I reasoned that a man looking for a relationship rather than just a distraction, is more likely to put his hand in his pocket, so why shouldn’t I?

The old silent film of relationships going in circles has come to the end of the reel, and now I feel ready for the quirky romantic comedy, in full technicolor and the promise of a happy ending.

So it’s no-more supermarket shopping for men for me. Spending my summer evenings instead down the allotment sowing seeds, enjoying the sunsets and remembering to water occasionally. And wondering if perhaps, by signing up with a dating agency complete with proper interviews and, most importantly, real human beings to support the process and give advice rather than just `dating tips’ on a website, I may find myself not weeding alone in the future. Still fancy snogging at the bus stop though.

Suzy Miller is the creator and producer of the Starting Over Shows which provide information and inspiration to people dealing with life changing situations such as divorce and relationship breakdown.

This blog is also posted on the Dateline Platinum website – see blog and comments here……

]]> http://www.startingovershow.co.uk/index.php/dating-in-the-dark/feed/ 0 http://www.startingovershow.co.uk/index.php/prima-magazine/ http://www.startingovershow.co.uk/index.php/prima-magazine/#comments Wed, 03 Jun 2009 22:15:20 +0000 Suzy http://www.startingovershow.co.uk/?p=1719 June 2009

Prima consumer magazine, abc audience, sales 290,118 each edition

Download our pdf exhibitor booking form here:  sos-booking-form-051009