Redundancy = Divorce ?
August 23, 2011 by Suzy
Well that is a question that we may over the coming months find real answers to – the hard way.
With the full force of redundancies throughout the UK yet to be felt, and despite the claims that already financially-stretched couples will not be able to ‘afford’ to get a divorce, we could be seeing a real link between income shifts and people leaving their relationships to go it alone.
Figures published by the Office for National Statistics (ONS) show that the number of women seeking Job Seeker’s Allowance rose once again in July 2011 for the twelfth month in a row.
Observer economics editor Heather Stewart has noted:
“Women make up almost two-thirds of the public sector workforce, so it’s hardly surprising they’ve been hit hard by the wave of job losses since the government announced its austerity programme last autumn.”
Part of the shift results from a push – begun by Labour but stepped up by the government – to nudge single mums into the workforce. Mothers are now shifted off long-term benefits such as income support, and on to jobseekers’ allowance when their youngest child is seven. That means they have to attend regular interviews and show that they are actively looking for work.
It’s hard enough having to try to run a family and work, but will the psychological pressures of job hunting combined with fears of not being able to pay the mortgage – which requires two incomes, not one – lead married couples to breaking point?
I have heard stories of men not revealing to their wives when they face redundancy or bankruptcy, unable to be the bearer of such bad news. Is it shame – or fear of a resulting divorce? I have certainly felt the effects of the link between different life crises through organising my Starting Over Show events, where the majority of exhibitors were focused on supporting people through a non-adversarial divorce, but now an increasing number of exhibitors are supporting visitors who are dealing with redundancy and looking for start-up business opportunities as the best way to create a stable financial future.
According to Elizabeth Warren in a NYT article:
“Many people in bankruptcy were solid bill payers until something knocked their legs out from under them. For two-thirds of these people, it was loss of a job, for 40 percent it was a serious medical problem and for 20 percent it was the economic fallout of divorce. Divorce may be a factor leading to bankruptcy, but bankruptcy doesn’t cause divorce.”
If this is the case, then perhaps the continued scything of jobs by large private and public sector organisations will not result in more divorce after all? Well, not according to a study based upon the results of the British Household Panel Survey from 1991-2005.
The study suggested that married men and women in Britain who lose their jobs are more likely to divorce within a year than other couples.
Norwegian researcher Morten Blekesaune said the findings show the cost of unemployment isn’t just financial. Blekesaune’s findings were based on 3,586 couples in marriages or long-term relationship.
Blekesaune said a woman losing her job is more likely to lead to partnership dissolution the longer the partnership has lasted, while the effect of a man losing his job is the same, regardless of how long a couple has been together.
The study was published by the Institute for Social and Economic Research at the University of Essex, and indicates that whoever loses their job, that indeed the fallout could be a great deal more than just financial.
Suzy Miller Creator of the Starting Over Show
www.startingovershow.co.uk
Get support with redundancy, unfair dismissal and other life crises at the Starting Over Show
Compulsory marriage vouchers
February 22, 2010 by Suzy
If the State want to cut down the divorce rate, let them provide ‘marriage vouchers’ that must be cashed in before a couple can be legally married.
I think the Government should give ‘marriage vouchers’ to all married couples prior to their wedding, the same as they give vouchers for national health glasses and early years’ schooling. These vouchers should contribute to the cost of:
1/ A relationship coaching session – ideally one that teaches communication skills and a vision board for the shared future, to make sure the couple want the same things.
The vouchers should, in my opinion, definitely NOT be valid for Relate or other forms of ‘counseling’ – there is much confusion over counseling and coaching. Coaching is focused on the future and taking proactive responsibility, irrespective (whilst not in any way ignoring) what has gone on in the past. The choice of which relationship coach the couple uses should be down to them – not from some prescribed government list.
2/ The voucher should also entitle the couple to some sessions with a trained mediator, to create a living together or pre-nup agreement. In a grown up responsible relationship, a couple should be able to agree on how they would split finances and share parenting should the relationship end. It may not sound romantic, but fighting over the spoils in a divorce court lacks romance too.
I think the State has a responsibility to support couples in marriage prior to legally marrying them – especially as the State bears such a high financial cost when marriage breaks down. If you start a new business you can get free help from Business Link – if you start a new marriage you get nothing.
Why should the use of these vouchers be ‘compulsory’ prior to being eligible for a legal civil wedding?
Because I think making the use of the vouchers compulsory would be as sensible as making seat belts compulsory. The State spends a great deal of public money on courts blocked up with fighting couples – and 10% of children from those broken relationships show suicidal tendencies according to recent reports.
The UK divorce laws are a mess and need changing, but changing the law alone will not solve the problem. We need to support couples getting married in the same way we support new businesses.
What do YOU think?
First Brighton SOS exhibitor get-together is a hit!
November 15, 2009 by Suzy
Thank you to Mayo Wynne Baxter for their hospitality, and Julia Armstrong for her inspiring talk, making our 12 November 2009 Brighton meet-up a memorable evening.
Celebrating Failure – or moving on?
October 8, 2009 by Suzy
One of my exhibitors, Scott Collier, is a wedding photographer, and he loves weddings. Despite having been divorced himself, he has photographed hundreds of happy couples cutting the wedding cake, so I thought it would be fun to email him a photo of a divorce cake that was doing the rounds on the internet.
His reaction shocked me, and then embarrassed me for not having seen the darker side of these grotesque paradys of wedding bliss in the form of a bride shooting her groom on a cake that celebrates the failure of a marriage.
Scott rightly pointed out that if you made a cake with the groom shooting the wife, the cakes might not create such mirth. And the very idea that a confectionary could be used to enforce a culture of bitterness and even hatred, was one to be wary of.
There’s a difference between ‘moving on’ and ‘starting over’. It is a significant difference. Moving on can be done by blocking out the past – which means also blocking out all the good parts too. That is why it’s so hard for people to think of something ‘nice to say’ about their Ex even though they were nice enough once to live with and even reproduce with.
We encourage people to ‘move on’, but even if they drag behind them a train of reproaches, bitter memories, and embarrassement at having ever ‘loved’ someone who turned out to be a complete monster, we seem to believe as a society that this is perfectly ‘normal’ and acceptable.
When we hear positive stories about divorced couples who genuinely seem to be respectful of each other and co-parent effectively despite the rigours of going through a divorce process, this is viewed as somehow strange, unusual and even (and I have had this levelled at me often) “a bit weird”.
When I tried a ‘letting go’ ceremony, the hardest part was having to remember and share the good things about the relationship. It was painful! But you have to see all of a relationship in order to appreciate what was good as well as what was rubbish, and be able to stand back and not ‘take it personally’. Sounds odd, I know, but it’s that ability to disconnect that sense of being attacked, hard done by, being the ‘victim’, that allows you to recognize your own responsibility (which may just be for being young and naïve, or not feeling that you deserved real love) without blame or guilt.
Acceptance starts with yourself, and then amazingly it’s not so difficult to let go of bitterness and blame normally targeted at others. It’s like a magic wand, that works every time – but getting that self acceptance and self love can be tough and can take years. It’s worth the journey though.
So roll on the divorce parties where there is a true and genuine sense of starting over, not just relief that it’s all over (because if you have kids, it never is ‘over’). And I’ll be the first to cut the cake that shows a harmonious co-parenting family on the top of the cake, or even the new ‘blended family’ that many of us find ourselves being part of as new partners come with children and ex’s as part of the package.
Two new SOS live events & how colour can change the way you feel
October 1, 2009 by Suzy
Information for divorce and breakup
Inspiration for Starting Over
Our first SOS Event (see the video here) was full of courageous people starting their lives over, and now we are to put on two more events in March 2010, including the first ever London fair of it’s kind.
We also offer free advice and wellbeing support RIGHT NOW for a couple facing breakup and divorce……
Inspiration
Did you know how strong the effect of colour is on how you feel – and how you make others feel too?
Bernay Laity
Colour psychologist and image consultant
Colour psychologist Bernay Laity tells us how she was inspired to become an expert in her field and how she uses her talent to help others.
“Growing up with a Dad who was a gardener and keen outdoors enthusiast gave me a great appreciation of the natural world and I became fascinated with the changes in shapes, colours and textures of nature as each season passed from one to the next. But my work as interior designer really cemented my passion for colour as I began to notice that it could have a profound effect on a person’s wellbeing. I became curious about why clients picked the colours that they did and noticed that they seemed also to pick colours that reflected their personality.’
Click here to read more about Bernay Laity and listen to her podcast interview….
Talk to our other inspirational exhibitors now….
Inspirational short film:
information
Do husbands and wives undervalue the financial value of the houseparent? Would you pay £30,000 for a parent to stay home and bring up the children?
That’s the estimated value of the stay at home mum should you have to replace her. With the Conservative Party openly committing to making Pre-Nups more binding, will women themselves value their worth as stay at home mums?
To get good information to help you start over, talk to our legal and financial exhibitors now.
shared stories
Life really can begin at 40! We are sharing a great true story (with the writer’s permission) from social network site www.confidentladies.com.
“The day I returned home from this lovely weekend with my friends my husband was leaving the house and I returned to a half empty home as he had taken what he wanted while I was away…. ”
See other personal stories here:
sos live event news
Dates for the next shows and tickets (£3 each) are available now online from our home page
It is likely that you will know someone thinking about or going through divorce or break up – wouldn’t it be great if you could offer them the opportunity of free legal, financial and wellbeing surgeries and taster sessions to help them choose a non-combative and positive way forward?
Well you can – send them this link to the ‘Be The Best Ex” initiative……
Click here to download information pack: sos-divorce-relationship-makeover1
diary of a sole parent
How do we begin to change the negative attitudes about divorce and the way we think about our Ex?
When I stuck my new Iphone in the faces of three of my friends and video’d them, I asked them a question they had never been asked before.
“Say something nice about your Ex” I demanded. The result was not only a two minute short film, but as they wrestled with the subject matter this was a learning experience for me too…..
Continue reading the article here…..
free mini book downloads
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Resource links
Other great resources for starting over
To find professionals who are all personally recommended visit CertainShops – professionals online
online social network for women ‘starting over’ Confident Ladies
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is maintenance an ‘insult’ to women?
September 19, 2009 by Suzy
Would you pay £30,000 a year for your wife to run the home and raise a family? That’s the estimated value of the stay at home mum should you have to replace her. With the Conservative Party openly committing to making Pre-Nups more binding, will women themselves value their worth as stay at home mums?
“Stop giving ex-wives these undeserved millions, says Baroness Deech”. So screamed the Times Headline on 14 September 2009 as the Baroness gave her controversial views on whether maintenance was appropriate for women who could still go out to work post marriage.
“Housework has to be done, whether single or cohabiting, and for many women giving up a career on marriage is a myth,” revealed the Barnoness. She believes that either it was a career they would have given up “with a sigh of relief with the prospect of being kept” or it is “a free choice to opt for the home rather than the office. The choice to stay at home and care for the children is only possible if the man’s income permits and is far less likely to be available to his second wife.”
But isn’t she missing a vital point here? Of course you can ‘work’ whilst having children to care for, but the quality of that work and the money earned for having to leave earlier than your colleagues, miss days when the kids (or child minder) are ill, have no peace or space or time at home after work to try to catch up so you can keep up with your colleagues – well the truth is you just aren’t going to get the best paid jobs. Your colleagues have the luxury of a take-away on the way home and watching the telly while you have to shoot home and slip into mummy, wife, cook, housekeeper role and still make sure you have something ironed to wear the next day for work.
The Baroness makes some good points about not splitting everything 50/50 after only a short marriage when no children are involved. But what she doesn’t do is seem to place any financial value on the parent who ‘chooses’ to stay at home. This ‘choice’ is normally made by BOTH parents, and for good reason.
When I got life insurance, I had to calculate what it would cost my children’s father to replace me, so that he would be able to have the luxury of carrying on working – you see, my dear Baroness, from a woman’s point of view, being able to apply for any job you like and work the hours you want to get it done is indeed a luxury that many parents don’t have. I was astounded at the amount of money it would cost my kid’s father to replace me.
Add up the cost of the two nannies (they don’t work 24 hour shifts) and childcare (for when the nannies are on holiday, ill, or the working partner wants a night out with their mates), cleaner, taxis to and from school, housekeeper, cook, caterer (for work colleagues round to dinner) etc and times that by the number of years of the marriage. Then add on the fact that the house parent has not followed a career (creating well paid careers around school runs and washing is tricky, I can tell you) and the fact that when the house is sold post divorce when the youngest reaches 18, they have not had time to build up a pension, save for a mortgage deposit (house may not have much equity in it), or buy their own car, then perhaps most women would not feel at all “degraded” to receive maintenance even though they can now begin to compete in the work marketplace.
According to a survey by the networking site www.alljoinon.com in 2008, the average housewife would earn almost £30,000 a year if she was paid the market rate for the chores she does in the home. Legal & General calculated the value of the tasks performed by a woman in 2006 to be almost £24,500 a year, or over £2,000 a month.This was higher than the national average wage, which was then £23,400, according to the 2005 Annual Survey of Hours and Earnings.
Financial advisors like Barry Browning of Browning Financial, Fiona Monson of Armida and Mark Robinson of Private Wealth Management, all exhibitors at the Starting Over Shows next March, specialize in helping couples create a realistic basis for a settlement. Those assessments are always going to be different depending upon the couple and their circumstances, but it is important that both of the couple recognize the value of the one who ‘stays home to look after the kids’.
If we are to change the way we assess ‘maintenance’ then we need to begin to talk about a fairer assessment of financial worth of both partners in a relationship, and the choices they make together.
If you combine the reality of the financial worth of a house parent dedicating themselves to being the main carer for the children, and also create Pre-Nups that are guaranteed to be taken seriously by a judge (even if you’re not a foreign millionairess), perhaps we would begin to create that greater sense of fairness. If the prevailing attitude is that stay at home parents are not effectively adding to the financial pot, by providing and caring for a family, then it will be inevitable that people will haggle bitterly over what money should go to whom if the relationship ends. And we are not even mentioning here the psychological benefits to children and our society for children to be brought up by parents rather than childcare providers – the undermining of the value of stay at home parenting is a far reaching and pernicious force that goes beyond arguments over maintenance payments.
Instead of focusing on the divorce process and snatching at the spoils, is it not better to guide couples towards a long healthy relationship as Ex’s – which those of us with kids know to be a worthwhile effort made harder by the current legal system. Something which the Starting Over Show actively encourages?
It’s not the multimillion pound awards that are “degrading to women” as Baroness Deech proclaims – it’s the fact that a shared decision to bring up children is still viewed as an ‘easy option’, and most mothers are financially disadvantaged by the divorce unless they happen to be married to a millionaire. Yes, the dads lose out too financially – but as more fathers choose the house parent role, it’s in everyone’s interests to put a financial worth on the decision to stay home with the kids, if only to use this as a guide in creating fair settlements where the house parent is not left feeling like some kind of sponger ripping off their hard working partner, instead of being recognized as a full financial contributor to the family, particularly in regard to significantly affecting their future career and salary opportunities.
Acknowledgements:
Times Article: http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/law/article6832973.ece
http://www.alljoinon.com/clippings/Alljoinon.Mirror.p25_19.02.pdf
http://www.fool.co.uk/news/comment/2006/c060324d.htm
a different pair of shoes
September 18, 2009 by Suzy
How do you begin to change negative attitudes about divorce? Seems a bit ambitious – even crazy. And what’s the point of even trying anyway?
When I stuck my new Iphone in the faces of three of my friends and video’d them, I asked them a question they had never been asked before.
“Say something nice about your Ex” I demanded. The result was not only a two minute short film, but as they wrestled with the subject matter this was a learning experience for me too.
Although I included myself in the film – and after six years of being separated from my kid’s father found it no problem to find good things to say about him – it was having to prompt my friends to follow suit that reminded me of why I, and ultimately they, succeeded in this endeavor.
You see, there’s a trick to it. You have to forget about yourself for a minute. Forget about the pain you suffered or even what disruptions, annoyances or downright fury your Ex may still be able to elicit from you – and instead, to just see them as a person unconnected to yourself. As an individual, another human being like anyone else. It’s a bit like putting on a different pair of shoes – standing in them and seeing everything from a completely different perspective because you are feeling ‘different’ to your normal self. (Ok, perhaps it’s a girl thing, but you get the idea).
And then, suddenly, it becomes quite easy to think of at least one good thing to say about your Ex. Maybe even two.
But what’s the point of it? I guess that’s up to the viewer to judge. One woman I spoke to recently, who is currently going through a divorce and not on ‘speaking terms’ with her Ex, viewed the film and said she had been avoiding saying anything about her kids’ father when the children were around. She reflected that perhaps she should try to find some good things to say about him in front of the children – rather than keep him a subject of no discussion – and she felt sad that she had not thought of doing that before.
Coming from someone who is currently enduring some very unhelpful behaviour from her Ex, this was emotional generosity at its best. Not just because she was ‘putting the children first’, but because she had the courage to let go of her own unhappiness for a moment and try on a different pair of shoes.
I believe that if only more couples used counselling and mediation processes more effectively (no offence to Relate, but I’m talking communication skills here, not getting people back together), by learning how to step into another pair of shoes, another viewpoint, and to let go of their own anger, fear, or just plain exhaustion for long enough to see something positive, something real, in a person who was not always as difficult to deal with as they may be at this time – then suddenly a less aggressive and painful divorce would be more likely.
It can be painful to remember the good things about someone when you are still struggling to say good bye to that person. Even years on, being asked to ‘say something nice about your Ex’ can bring up all kinds of emotions that you thought were dead and buried.
The most humbling moment for me in making the film was the final comment made by my friend Andy at the end: “… what makes her the best Ex in the world are the same things that made her the best partner in the world at the time”.
Now, as an ‘Ex’ myself, I can see that is something to aspire to.
Want to be a good Ex? Want to get free legal, financial and wellbeing help to become a good Ex?
Take a look at our fantastic offer for a selected number of couples……
September 2009 SOS Team get together
September 12, 2009 by Suzy
With special thanks to our kind hosts Jeffrey Green Russell…..
The best Ex in the world
September 2, 2009 by Suzy
Do you want £1,000′s worth of valuable expert help to become the best Ex? Just share your experiences of the SOS Makeover with us, so others can benefit from your experiences ….
Click here to download information pack: sos-divorce-makeover-2110093
Talking to real people: TALKING ABOUT THE ‘EX’ (2 minute film)
Where are the private detectives?
August 19, 2009 by Suzy
NB: The following article is the sad but true situation underlying the lack of effective divorce law reform that has inspired SOS launching a Divorce Relationship Makeover initiative
With the vast majority of divorces being filed by women, and the most common reason being extra marital affairs, it’s not surprising that the process can easily become litigious, angry, and misery inducing. With ‘blame’ being integral to the process in order to divorce within 2 years thanks to ‘no fault divorce’ still not becoming part of divorce reform, the need for private detectives and DNA testers at the world’s first ever Divorce Fair in Austria in 2007 – a country with a nearly 50% divorce rate – was understandable.
So where were the private investigators and DNA testers at the first UK divorce fair in Brighton this March, and why will there be none exhibiting at the first London divorce fair next Spring?
SOS Brighton and SOS London March 2010 have a different focus, and one not a million miles away from the recent Centre for Social Justice report “Every Family Matters”. SOS does not stand for ‘save our souls’ but ‘Starting Over Show’, and both events not only make clear that Private Detectives will not be exhibiting, but aim to encourage a holistic and non combative approach to divorce and relationship breakup.
As the creator of the Starting Over Shows, I feel that where children are involved, we just have to go against the aggressive divorce culture exacerbated by media hype around angry celebrity breakups, and focus on the positive future we want for ourselves and our children. The focus of our events is not so much about getting through a difficult time – it’s more about starting over by getting the right information and inspiration before all communication breaks down. It’s really about offering hope.
In the Grant Thornton’s Forensic and Investigation Services sixth annual survey, they canvassed the opinions of 70 of the UK s leading family lawyers.
Covering the period 2007 to 2008, the level of cases in which assets are concealed has continued at similar levels to previous years. In such cases, it has been more common for the concealment to be an action of the husband (91% of the cases). In 2008 there were no cases (2% in 2007) of the concealment resulting from the actions of a wife.
Extra marital affairs are cited as the most common reason for divorce in both years. However, worryingly, between 2007 and 2008 there have been a significant increase in the rise of ‘abuse’ and ‘financial worries’ cited as the most common reason for divorce.
As the recession deepens, it is hard to be optimistic about these trends not continuing in the same direction, which makes the lack of legal protection for couples who live together even more of an issue.
All the solicitors surveyed by Grant Thornton have advised on cohabitation agreements over the last year, an increase from 97% in 2007. Yet most couples are unaware that common law marriage is effectively a myth.
With a rise in couples cohabiting, we are seeing a growing number of lawyers demanding clarity and guidance over the issue of cohabitation and couples rights if they do separate. In the eyes of the Courts common law marriage does not hold the same legal rights as it does for married couples, however many cohabiting couples often do not realise this until it is too late.
One in six couples in the UK co-habit – a figure that is predicted to rise to one in four by 2031. This is why Lord Lester has introduced the Cohabitation Bill, which received its second reading in the Lords on 30 July 09.
But let’s not lose our perspective here: the Grant Thornton study reveals that although women continue to file for divorce in 91% of cases, in all but 3% of cases, (up from 2% in 2007), the divorces are not contested.
This means that in the vast majority of cases, the decision to divorce begins with a mutual desire for both parties to end the marriage. So why is there so much misery surrounding the divorce process?
A positive trend which may improve the situation is the rise in the number of lawyers training in collaborative techniques. The Grant Thornton survey shows that the number of respondents trained as collaborative lawyers has increased to 50%, up 2% on 2007 and there has also been an increase in lawyers intending to undergo the necessary training (up to 13% from 11% in 2007).
But who really knows what collaborative lawyers do, or even that they exist?
I’m keen to change that situation. I was amazed to find out only a couple of years ago about collaborative lawyers and financial mediators, not so much because of what they do, but because I never even knew they existed. I want to use the Starting Over Show events as a platform to raise awareness of the wide number of choices open to people facing breakup and divorce.
The Centre for Social Justice Report concludes that: “there should now be strong Government encouragement of couples getting married to take part in high-quality, standardised and accredited pre-marriage information and preparation, delivered in an accessible fashion.”
I believe that much of the information and advice available at the Starting Over Events helps prepare people to not only leave their current relationship with some dignity, but also effectively prepares them for a healthier relationship in the future. You never really know someone till you break up with them – this is something many of us have discovered to our cost. But it is also true that you can get to know yourself pretty well too. If you can manage to break up well by keeping a long term view, the lines of communication open and maintaining hope, then you will also develop skills that will be valuable in keeping your next relationship healthy and strong.
The Social Justice Executive Summary doesn’t only quote Mr Justice Coleridge’s comments on how the Government “is allowing the whole family justice system to be starved to death”. There is also a quote from ‘Angela, daughter 11, son 10′ – which strikes to core of the matter. “As long as solicitors and Society continue to view divorce and custody as adversarial, ie. That there should be a ‘winning’ and a ‘losing’ side, then the issue of where the children from these relationships should spend their time will be a painful, expensive battleground for those involved.”
A pity perhaps, that the same report does not include recommendations for introducing ‘no fault’ divorce.
References:
Centre for Social Justice: Breakthrough Britain – Every Family Matters
